there is fogginess
and yet i see every particle of air
the pieces that make up that particle
i focus to count
it blurs over again
i can hear the sound of so many things
cars swashing by
wind blowing
leaves rustling
but i can’t pick out the individual
the sound melds
all i can hear is grey

i can feel my mind inside my head
it is whole
it is nothing

What I want has always been abstract
No straight lines all of them blurry
Messy
Faded
Erased, even
What I want has always been something I wasn’t sure of
Something I desperately wanted but couldn’t get a hold of but everything is different now
I hear your voice
And I see your face
And all I want is to follow the line that leads directly to you
The one that takes me to your sweet lips, your beautiful skin,
You
I’ve never been so sure
The line to you is chopped in half
A big blue knife that refuses to pull back
Green and yellow and brown and rust
Everything in between us
The line is confused
It cant find its way
But one day
I will grab a pen
And draw the line myself
I will get where I belong and thats with you
I hope you grab your pen too
Connect our lines
So I can connect our lips
So I can feel your skin underneath my fingertips
So I can finally show you how much I love you
Because the words, they are reliable but they just won’t do
They aren’t enough
They fall short where my hands would not
They lose touch where my lips would kiss
Theres nothing I want more
Theres nothing I wouldn’t do
Just to be with you
The line to you has gaps but it is clear
Thick black line in permanent ink
And I love you
The gaps will disappear
I love you I love I love you

it’s our anniversary babe
how long has it been now?
let me count
well i think after this week it’ll be three years
three years ago
you went inside my body coursed through the blood inside me and ripped me apart
three years ago you took a thoughtful moment to pick through my organs with your greedy hands
squeezing
caressing
you wrapped one hand around my throat and the other you stuffed down it
i could feel the ice from your fingertips in my stomach
you did it so good babe
killed me so good
i cant get the feeling out of my head
even after three years
i guess your just special
kiss my lips babe feel how cold they are just like yours
your kiss hasn’t faded away yet its there
lingering on my skin
burning it off with its freezing ripping cold
i’d let you finish the job you left too early three years ago
touched me all over and then left in the morning
finish ripping apart my seams
the threads are still whole
not broken
they’ve been barely keeping me together these past three years
i haven’t flicked a knife against them for so long
but the damage is done
the threads have become thinner
all you have to do is touch me again
you’d hear them snap
one by one
your job will be done
three year anniversary and i have so much to say to you
i think of what you’ve done to me
how you’ve never left my side since that night
that night in particular though
was just special
i’ll never forget it
the scars of what you’ve done still mar my mind
the scars of what i’ve done to myself
although inspired by you
mar my skin
this year i want so badly to let you take me again
**** me again except do it better this time
take it all the way like you didn’t last time
i have no reason to live anyway
let me follow your cold burning kiss into darkness please

deep down i know you wont do it though
your grip on me has slipped you’ve lost interest
just like everyone else
you took my will to live and then cruelly gave it back
and now i’m just stuck trying to make it better
never forgetting the taste you left in my mouth
on my skin
like chocolate but bitter and poisonous

happy three year anniversary you ruined my life



i’ll never forgive you babe
you wont even kiss me again babe

goodbye until next year



love, me