thoughts ricochet off the outer lining of my brain at 4 am
the rupture is deafening yet my family sleeps softly in the other room
the recoil is my seized sense of self
double vision leads to destruction
intrusive and impulsive
those are the words i’ll use tomorrow when i apologize to myself in the mirror
however apology implies regret
and when the quiet night takes its toll
the morning dew will wash away my midnight sin

she preaches about quitting smoking while lighting a cigarette in her mouth
i’ve never met a person who reminds me more of the sun
vibrant pastels and hair bleach
red lipstick and fur coats
this type of love lasts a lifetime
fleet wood mac hums to the tune of our nicotine fueled conversations
it feels good to be the ones you love

i havent stopped crying since 9pm on that sunday
my eyes are raw and heavy and my hand is still bruised from unresolved anger issues
i can't remove the reason why because it's all around me
music whispers your name between lines
the breeze carries your soft hands over my skin
and every once in awhile a stranger will smell like you
but it's not you
and it won't be for awhile
until the day comes that i can kiss you and not sink into the ground
i will be sitting at the same beach that you told me you loved me
waiting for the tide to come in
and you with it

we must give when we must take
but taking is our learned trait
to exist we have to destroy
but the rate you destroy is no longer okay
you take and take
hoarding the world
holding our fate
the universe isn't ours to change
it will change you-
make you-
and break you
but we cannot do the same
please slow your step
and take a breath
there is a place for you to rest

They give me a reason to breath
The liquor i bleed is the manifestation of the countless nights i couldn't leave
My honor is the night sky i share with you
The stars we all whisper to know your names more than the moon
Because when my arteries throb and my lungs burn
You bury my head in the sand for protection and hand me the earth
So when i tell my words to come softly
it's because i need them to be heard
by the people i'm living for -
the ones i can't hurt

I'll scrawl pages of your name
because every way the letters turn make my eyes burn
The night you told me i was your favorite slur
My name has turned into something i never want my children to learn
Sweet salt drips from your lips
You speak in compliments and quotes
A personality made from mistakes
I keep giving and you always take
But never more than you need

nicotine isn't what makes you addictive it's that you make people sink before they learn to swim
someone throw this kid a life raft but you'll always just miss him
no filter just pure
it's genuine but not sincere
makes you feel real tears
crying isn't for me but when his words come first that's the one thing that works
maybe i'm not pretty enough or thin enough
or scared enough to make a change
at this point i'm trying to save something that doesn't even have a name
i'll give it my name
scream it so loud you have to listen
to the words that blister and scar
leave with a vision
of secrets and baby's born from indecision
i don't want to be awake for a world that turns away from a whisper for help or a passion of a young girl with so much might she nearly fell
into a hole that would swallow you whole
you're not strong enough to handle my blow
i'm choking and gasping for air on an ego that comments on my hair?
you're not a kiss or a tell
you're a ten story building falling straight into hell
blue hair blonde eyes
mix them up stir the *** you'll still get the story line
of a 14 maybe 15 year old pipe bomb
with words that will blow
right in your side
you'll feel it on your skin
see it with your eyes
the manic wednesday of a brain squeezed tight
search and destroy the hopes of a child is how we cope
unhealthy but not taboo
you'll still taste the metallic rub of a new spark
made by a mind that yearns for a life that doesn't need to start from hate
you hate with no cause
i have a handful of people i hate and ill tell you why your name holds first place