I think this is karma kicking me in the stomach
I do not wish to eat
I do not wish to do much of anything really
This isn't a poem
It's more of an outpouring
Someone walks into my life who I am for once willing to do anything for and they want nothing to do with me. He wants to run from me as I did from you.
Is this how you felt when I left you?
When I broke your heart and shattered your dreams?
When I ****** your best friend to make you hate me so I could get away from you?
Is this how you felt for me?

Being in your shoes, losing the person I would drop my life for is beyond heart wrenching.
Is there even enough adjectives to describe this pain?
It is destroying me from the inside out and I can't believe I made someone feel this way.
I cannot believe someone felt this compassionate way about a person about me.
I want to apologize to you and I still want to hate you, like you're the one who prayed for this to happen to me.
I wish I could take back the horrible things I did to you.
I know I am selfish but I don't deserve this either
I am asking for forgiveness, begging for it
I don't know what it takes to receive good things in return but "I'm sorry" is a good start

I'm sorry

I remember
sitting on that blue couch
tears rushing to my eyes
because I couldn't understand what was
really happening
this new building,
new home
new people
yes, it was all a dream
a dream come true
but maybe a nightmare
and the possibility
of the night terrors
is what filled my empty heart
with fear.
Later,
I sat on the same couch
but I was so different
the night terrors come,
and gone
and my heart filled with
hot fast beating blood.

(It's the
same old song...)
Knowing the right,
   but doing the wrong.

(...and dance:)
Hoping a way to the heart
   will be found in the pants.

You say it’s just drawing
“Nothing to worry about.
Just draw what you feel.”
My hand hesitates
Over the box of art supplies
Eventually, I choose a medium
And place it, unmoving, against the paper
You tap away incessantly on your computer
I haven’t moved a muscle
For several seconds
Yet still I hear your continual
Tap-tap, tap-tappity-tap
As I finally start to draw
I wonder what you
Possibly could have typed
Besides
“Client chose a green crayon.”

the past of you
hides
and taunts
in interesting ways
i am learning
how to develop
a soft
armor
around
my heart
and mind
in order to move
(you)

I miss your California tan,
that birds nest of blonde
you always insisted was styled meticulously.
Your lopsided smile
always accompanied by rolling eyes
whenever I tried to be clever and ultimately failed.
I miss the way your hand fitted in mine
and the way you could never just hold it, without fiddling with my fingers.

You should see our boy now
he brings joy with every breath
and finds magic everywhere
He picked a snail from the garden the other day
to keep as a pet, I said no, snails aren't pets!
he said "mummy will let me" and ran back outside calling for you
searching for your smile
he doesn't understand......
he shouldn't have to.

mine, my mothers, daughters
mouths stitched shut
so tightly kept hearts
would not cut
too deep

held so high
in minds
but bodies bound
in dark places
so their light could never blind

“they fear us, you know,
but you should never let their fear
shame you.”

Never dull your spark, my little one.