The world
Is like
A huge carnival.

Everything is known
Yet not everything is seen.

Everything is behind
closed tents
closed curtains
closed realities.

And can only be opened,
by magic
by dreams
by deadly secrets.

Everything is a performance.
One that is shown
for the world to see.

To know,
to appreciate
What is under the sleeves
of magicians,
clowns,
and gypsies.

All these became a spectacle.
A presentation,
to talk
to chatter
once it is over.

And when it finally
disappears,
It is void of color
of fun
of secrets to reveal.

The only way to get past,
is to let yourself be fooled.

So come on,
Enter the Carnival.

And see for yourself
the beauty
and darkness
of the it all.

Please come again.

Stay on the phone with me
just a little while longer
as the clock ticks and ticks
faster towards the end of another chapter

let me hear your voice
let it drown out the silence and celebration
and screams and cheers of the masses
let it heal me

"you hang up first"
thrown back and forth between us
and then you did
you hung up on me
and now I'm hung up on you

happy new year

So I sit and stare a blank air in the sky
troubled drowsing in darkness, deafening
drowned in silence and violent volumes
lost in the nothingness of everything
but the hole in the whole of the heavens
pale and putrid, impurely white
everything I've grown to love and hate about you
squeezed into a tiny sphere in the sky.
songs and silhouettes and somber singing
ears ringing from voices long gone
As if nothing but you remained,
as if everything melts and disappears
and I'm simply lost in the unfathomable
the deepest recesses of your calming smile
maybe I was too much, perhaps I was too little
in any case I wasn't right then,
not right to fit into the pale white dot.
The one that broke the obsidian field
made from molten earth cooled
volcanic and panicked I shattered

I was supposed to be steady
solid and stoic. Just like earth

but you shook me. In waves you shook me
in waves and quakes of pale light
I tossed and turned like nightmares or spasms
formed chasms in my chest while all the rest
stayed silent in their quarters whispering
"It's going to be ok"
"It's going to be alright"
But what about me?
The earth that holds all up
the ground beneath every foot that walks
every heart that beats
every lover long lost
who will hold the ground and whisper
solemn whispers to quell the aches inside
who decides to hold me down and stop the crumble
and humble enough to kiss the soil underneath their feet
when will I ever kiss the moon
and impart in her ear every single second
seen through my eyes
stories of everyone that dies
all that rise, but maybe I wont
maybe I'll never hold the moon.
but I still hope I will.

Breaking up.
The words still flashing before my eyes,
Days after you’ve said them.
I take another scoop of ice cream,
Trying to swallow down the lump in my throat.
I’m okay, I’m okay.
I see her hands in yours,
I’m not okay.
I cry, and cry and cry. Till it’s all out.
I think I feel better now,
Crying makes everything better.
I get a message from you
I still love you, even if it isn’t the same
But the words morph into
You’re still being friend zoned.
I sigh, refusing to cry again.
Closing my eyes and the darkness is blurred with images of you,
Of us,
Of *happiness.
Then my heart starts to ache again
My eyes snap wide open.
I won’t allow myself to go there again.
I take an elastic band and set to punish myself if I thought of you again.
One day,
Snap.
Two days,
Snap, snap
Three days,
Triple snap.
I think I’m bleeding
And it’s not just my heart.
So I switch to binge watching
While binge eating.
This feels better already
Then the couple on TV decide to kiss,
I hate TV.
I switch to talking.
Moaning,
Complaining,
Crying,
Venting,
Pitying.
Everythi­ng till I’m done feeling sorry for myself.
I stand up straighter and take a deep breath.
Then I get another message from you
You’re the greatest friend ever*
Sigh. I slump back
I hate you.
I’m not talking to you again.
That’s hard
So I drink.
Downing all my sorrows and problems with each shot.
Is it really that difficult to get over a breakup?
I mean, I’ve done it before, so I can do it again
Right?
Well, before him you weren’t in love.
******.
Another shot.
And then I’m done feeling groggy.
Done feeling helpless,
Hopeless,
Useless,
Love-less.
Who needs a man anyway?
I’m fine on my own.
So I smile.
I Laugh,
Have fun till the happiness inside me bursts out.
This feels good.*
The skies seem bluer and the grass feels greener.
I feel incredible.
And then,
Flashbacks.
Kissing,
Smiling,
Holding my hand,
The way you’re looking at me.
Oh great.
*Now I have to start again.

silence reaches down from the farthest corners of space
claims my inner voices' be still and listen'
and I find myself listening for days unable to speak a word
and into the void of silence I touch the stars.