i wish to sow back the seams of the days that have come undone

i have always been a gentle person
i walk on my toes,
i speak softly so that i'm always repeating myself
i always set my plate down slowly so that it makes no sound
i always check before i cross the street, before i make a decision
i've always been cautious

but you, i loved without holding back
with you, i had no second thoughts
i was more sure about you than i was that the sun would rise tomorrow, or that one of my legs will always be a little bit longer than the other
i rushed into your arms,
without looking both ways, without making sure that it was okay, without checking if anyone else wanted to be in your arms
because for once, it did not matter to me
i screamed your name in the middle of the night when i woke up from a nightmare,
called you up and told you that i was lost without you,
without looking around to see where i was
without checking
because i knew i was lost
without you

i never had any doubts

she says -
if i carve your name onto my ribcage in the morning before the sun comes up will it come true? will it **** you this time?
maybe ill lie down so that you can pick me apart,
fingernails breaking on my iron skin
would you like that?

i cannot remember how many pills i took that night
or how many minutes it took for the ambulance to arrive
no, i cannot remember the details
most of it was a blur
rushing faces, bright lights, loud noises


but i remember your voice
and i remember it was the first time you told me you loved me
do you remember i tried to say it back?
or do you remember the details
did you memorize the seconds i was dead for?
or how long it took to bring me back?
darling, there used to be no difference between your fist and your face
but that night, i couldn't tell your tears from your mouth

i am a black hole
and you
are the stars.

like cracks in the sidewalk you lay down and remain.
friends and lovers move over you with their steel souls and boots.
weeds are spoken of, hiding in your crevices.
to be torn apart and rebuilt.
they see you as an obstacle.
i see you as a treasure.
no
i see you
as you do not want to be seen
i see you
as you