he is chaotic and warm
in a cold unrelenting storm
in good health and good time
the blink of an eye
quiet nights and gentle days
my heart roams
and he is better than ever

i like to think
that you think about me
whenever im not around
i like to imagine
that you dream about me
while you're sleeping sound
i like to pretend
that youre missing me
whenever i feel alone
i like to think
that you think about me
even if you dont

i don't think
i will ever do that again.
i know you aren't mad
or upset even,
but it felt wrong
and i don't want it
to happen again.

there is a hole in my nose
and one in my heart

holding hands
in the halls
giggling
in the dark

okay?
okay.

im done.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant keep crying for you and hoping for you and wanting you.

i want to so badly,
dont get me wrong
i love you

but i give up.

a car
a job
a scholarship
a relationship**
my mother doesn't hate me
im not on drugs
im not depressed

but im not happy.

i have everything i could have ever wanted for myself.
and i hate it.

nothing is interesting
nothing makes my heart race
it's all routine
do this then that
i
hate
it

somehow
6 months ago
i was happier with nothing
(one thing)
(him)

it's a long road
and people are out to get you
but you'll survive

you will be better
than those before you
you will survive

you have a lot to learn
and it'll be hard
but you'll make it

you are going to be something
you are going to do something
you are going to make it

one day i will have everything you need
one day i will make myself enough for you
maybe even sometime soon
and when that day comes
if there are still mutual feelings
we could be something amazing

but right now
i know im not enough for you
and i dont want you to hurt yourself
waiting around for me

i want you to be happy
and have fun
and do whatever you need to do
to maintain your mental health
because it IS important

yes, i will be extraordinarily jealous
of every hand you hold
that isn't mine
but you deserve better than me
(dont get me wrong, im not going anywhere)
and it's makes me very happy
that you would probably deny that fact
endlessly

i love you
whatever that means to you
i love you in every way
and if i have to
i will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you as happy
as you make me

i still talk to her
because most of the time
she's the only person that seems to want to talk

i fill time with her
fill the dark with her compliments
fill my ego mostly

i hate it
being such an *******
and having to go so low
to make myself not feel like ****

i ****** up
i dont know how
or when
but i did
and i hurt the only people  that i ever loved
the only one i thought loved me
i dont deserve that love
i wish i could just disappear
and never have existed at all

i say that so often
for someone that has no idea
just how much she has hurt someone
i couldn't tell you
if i changed him forever
if he has permanent scars
or if i simply swept through his life
like a arid summer breeze
insignificant and unnoticed

i doubt it
i'm not the kind of person easily forgotten
but people always remember the bad things
so that i wonder if there were ever good things
to be remembered at all

people exist
not just when im around
but always

im not important

i am only about 2%
of everything that happens
in a persons life

and the worst part
is that i never really existed myself.

with so many vague back stories
and gentle lies

nobody knows me

i am nobody

i have to remember that.

a friend
who has a secret
a crush
she won't tell me
I am betrayed
it is someone
tallish
brown hair and eyes
who I may
or may not know

it feels like time has stopped
and all i can do
is run from the things that scare me
because i refuse to fight

it took all of 5 minutes
for me to know something was wrong
and so i ran
i left as fast as i could
and i hid from you
from him
from all of it

its crazy if you think i would ever leave you
for some cocky ******* (who only wants ***)
or a pretty girl (who's just a friend)
or Her (who broke my heart)
or any other boy, girl, or creature of the sea
that isn't you.
i
love
you.

and now we are here.

and i don't really even know where here is.

maybe it isn't a love story anymore,
but it is definitely something,
and i will never forget it.

i love you.
i loved you.
maybe i'll move on,
but this will always be
part of my story.

kicking cans
making plans
giving up
letting go

kicking and crying
screaming and trying
panicking in quicksand
sinking faster

let it go
let him go

its all you can do

you can't change a person
you can't make the world yours
all you can do is hear his words
and take them with you
just add another song to your playlist
and let him go

she said
you've been dreading
having to see me

which is reasonable
and mutual

so i'll stay out of your way
don't worry

im so sorry
i wish i could be her again
the girl with a crush
reading a poem
at lunch
not talking about
the elephant in the room
silly and kind
lovely

she is tarnished
frayed
splintered
broken

and that poem can never be the same

because i
will never be the same

look at me, all scrubbed up and shiny
look at me, im so happy!
i go to church
i smile real pretty
i never talk back
i never act ******
im a good worker
a good friend, a good kid
im polite and responsible
i dont wish i was dead
im not crazy
not angry
not wild
not free
im not reckless
not silly
not colored
not me

ive been split open and emptied
fixed up by a shrink
im not anything special
dear god, ive been bleached!

can someone please tell me
why everything has to hurt?
can you tell me why
i can't just be happy?

you said we were never good for each other
so what would have happened
if i didn't leave
if i wasn't ****** up
if i could be strong enough
for both of us

was it me?

or was this bound to happen
one way or another
someday

were we doomed from the start
or did i destroy it all

because i know i did something
i had a hand in this disaster
even you aren't capable
of ruining something
that badly
on your own

i have cried
every night about this
and i can't talk to you
because it feels like i'm nagging
so i will write to you
like this
and it can be your choice to read it
and you decision to come to me
if you have anything to say

so i have questions
a lot of them
but most important are

i understand not being able to stand in the middle
but why do we have to stand on opposite ends?
why cant we just be?
what happened to us
when i was gone?
i read your poems
so i got over that at least
but i'm stupid or something
and there is so much i don't understand
because you make it sound
like you are doing this big thing
for my sake
but it hurts me so bad
so really you're hurting us both
over something i don't understand.
i miss you
i want you back
i feel so pathetic
and alone.

i used to go to you
in person or in my mind
any time i was
hurt
scared
lonely
sad
but now that place
that i dedicated to you
that i familiarized with joy
is dark and black and murky
and i unknowingly go there
again and again
and hurt myself more
because i miss you
and you aren't there

soft
peach tones
blushing

yellow
fading orange
fading pink
rosé

warm
and soft
strong

you are
warmth
fire
depth
honesty
everything
absolutely everything

a moment
of holding your hands
swaying to the music
of wind chimes
and voices.
tile floors
metal water
that tastes like red
you taste like red.

i feel like a little kid.
its silly but
even things i've done a million times
feel brand new with you.
i know you would never
be that guy
the one who is only interested
in the relationship
and not the person
but i still want you to like me
even though i know you already do
i feel like i still have to win you over

i loved him
completely
in every way
but all that time
all that love
i never saw his hurt

i know he's moved on
and i know there are things
that people aren't telling me

but still
i wish i could tell him
that what i feel
more than hurt
more than pain and sadness and anger
is guilt

guilt over the fact that at some point
i lost you
to the storm
the same storm that ate me alive
every day for years
the storm i thought i had finally escaped

i lost him to the storm
i couldn't pull him out

i never saw him cry
he never came to me
not when he was sad
not when he was hurt
he never told me

i guess, in a lot of ways
i should have seen it
i think i did
but i refused to see it
accept that my worst fear was back
for him this time

he never let me see it
i don't know if its because he didn't trust me
or maybe he didn't even know
what to say
how to say it

i should have known
i went through it too
i'm still fighting it

i hate that i can't understand this
i can't wrap my head around my own pain
or his

i just wish he knew
that i know the fight
i know the storm
and my biggest regret
is not saving him from it
if could have

thats what im sorry for. not for being a *****, but for not being there at all.

is it me or him?
who would you stand beside
when the world ends?

am i still the one you write about
am i still "the one"
or have you found another soul
are we truly done?

is it me or him that you want to hold?
whose heart do you call home?
because the nasty voice in my skull
thinks its not my own.

first, darkness
                            then, little spinning, dizzying lights

       twinkling, little pinpoints of white
                                                           ­       like memories


then the sounds
                               the fuzzy blurry noise
                                                           ­             faded words, echoes

         love,
              memories,
                            stars,
­                                              i am blind.

i know these streets too well these days
every night, like clockwork
i leave my mind at my bedroom window
sometimes i drive
sometimes i just run
but my favorite nights are the empty ones
where i don't do anything
turn off completely
just wander through the dark like a ghost

you wouldn't know, but i cut my hair
dyed it too

it's black now
and short
just like my mother's
when she was in high school
i look just like her

and on the nights that i just float
it's easier to imagine how she must have felt
to leave her kids alone like that
in this ****** world
with nothing but fragmented memories
of sunken eyes and thin wrists
pink scars on pale skin

looking for something
im not sure what
but something to make me
feel
its you
i know it is
but still
i cant have you forever
not 24/7
and now i have to fill your space
when you cant be right beside me
i dont even have words to say
i just want to be close to you

playing chase under the 2 o'clock sun
catch me 'round the waist and drag me out
i'll kick and scream and try not to laugh
because you know i hate the water

tease me about how i've changed
gone from tanned and toned to pale and soft
let me wear your old sweaters and hide my curves
call me your pretty little thing anyway

let me keep my empty head
at least until i have to go home
let me stay a cali girl
before i have to strip the skin from my bones

go on
keep doing your thing
keep feeling loved by whoever loves you
keep feeling like a ******* if you want
do whatever, i don't care
keep on keepin' on, as they say
i'll be fine over here, i promise

besides, did you ever want me to be okay?
or did you just want me to live so it wasn't your fault when i died?

i'm done with you
and i'm done with this
bye-bye :)

she is small
and cute
and pretty

she has pretty eyes
california ocean eyes
and rusty blonde hair
pink cheeks
always blushing

she is soft
and warm of heart
she's been hurt
and i want to un-hurt her

she's a friend
i love to talk with her
just to see her smile

red blue yellow
blood red
sky blue
teeth yellow
sad song
bad song
i really
really
don't like this song
it gives me the heebies
it gives me the jeebies
its a cute
happy
carnival song

do it
whatever it is
hit me
hurt me
you want to feel something?
lets feel it together
you want it to hurt?
i can make it hurt
whatever you need
take it out on me
instead of yourself

i have no family to live for
no real friends to fall back on
no dreams, no hopes, no future
all of my life
no one has ever wanted me
needed me
i am useless
without you

so whatever you're going through
take it out on me
and go live your life
love your friends
be good for them
and leave the bad with me

sometimes it's easy to forget
why you love someone
how to love someone
that you love them at all

sometimes you have to remember
that love is more than making out
it's not always intense or passionate
it can't always be like that

sometimes love is just
being there for someone
being a friend

sometimes "i love you"
means im here for you
i care about you
and i want you to be happy

sometimes it's really that simple

i have a feeling
i'm gonna feel it
when it comes

i will always be
a disappointment
always distant
always getting hopes up
and letting them down
ill always love you
but i cant always be there for you
not in the ways i wish i could

everything hurts these days
pressing on my heavy, aching chest
the whole world is spiraling
making me dizzy and sick
never a moment of peace
im tired.
god, im always so ******* tired
everything feels heavy
it is exhausting

this is how i feel every day
every ******* day
for as long as i can remember
every ******* day
dragging myself through my own life
not caring about anything

i just want one day
one day that i dont feel like ****
one day that doesnt make my lungs tight
one day that doesnt make my broken heart burn
one day that doesnt fall apart and slip away
like sand through my fingers

im just so ******* tired
of everything
of struggling to keep people in my life
of constantly anticipating the next awful thing
of trying to hope and being crushed
over and over and over

i get you're going through something
and i will be here for you the whole time
but you have to make it out of this alive
because i cant do it without you

lights and metal and love
music and colors and stuff
she'd kiss a boy, just 'cause
never enough, never enough
this girl, she's far out
way cool, so chill
empty and still exploding somehow
and, oh man, if looks could ****
i'd be a dead man walking
total corpse
but those eyes keep calling
**** shes so hot
totally punk rock