im okay with someday
someday means maybe
maybe one more kiss
another hug
less tears
maybe there will be
us again

but

someday can also be
forever

not never,
but forever waiting
hoping
holding on to something
that has long since passed

someday can be
forgotten
being alone and hopeless
being in love with the wrong person

someday can be me
getting married
having kids
a career
a life
but stumbling across
the facebook page
of a boy i still love
and forever knowing
what could have been

someday is never quite moving on
someday is being halfway satisfied
someday is better than never

but it still hurts

the doctors use fancy words
they make sadness sound like science
they scrub you up and turn you out
fresh
raw
exposed
with a 50% chance of survival

half of these people
follow up
they keep going
keep working
get better
they survive
with only scars and memories
to show for their pain

and some people, the other half
they fall out
into the dirt
they get infected
it spreads past the skin
to the heart lungs and brain
it kills them
they die
a little scrape
that they tried to fix
kills them.

i need you now like an open wound needs oxygen and care
i need you to survive
so that i can

i ****** up
i dont know how
or when
but i did
and i hurt the only people  that i ever loved
the only one i thought loved me
i dont deserve that love
i wish i could just disappear
and never have existed at all

please
take all the time in the world

i can
i will
wait for you

i never want you to feel
anything but loved and appreciated
when you are with me

so if that means going slowly
or not going at all
then i can live with that

because you mean more to me than anything else

people exist
not just when im around
but always

im not important

i am only about 2%
of everything that happens
in a persons life

and the worst part
is that i never really existed myself.

with so many vague back stories
and gentle lies

nobody knows me

i am nobody

i have to remember that.

its all just a distraction
a way to forget
that i ******* hate myself.

no i am not "*****".

but when people look at me
and want me
it feels good.

i like feeling wanted

im sorry
the only way ive ever felt loved
is when i felt *****
and wrong
and disgusting

i don't want you to know these things

but i do want you to know
you aren't the only one who's scared.
You aren't the only one that's ****** up.

why does it feel like the only person i want to be close to

is the person who stays the farthest away