She drowns her non existent sorrows in you.
Non existent,
For she has no real sorrows.
Her world is perfect,
Yet utterly flawed.
She’s not sad, just alone.
And loneliness is a funny thing.
It brings an onset of feelings similar to grief.
But these are numb sensations,
Ones not real,
Like you.
Everything she consists of, melts when you’re around.
She takes the shape of something to fit you.
She doesn’t let herself be anything other than your life-size barbie doll.
Her original copy drowns in your presence.
Sinking into the deep hole where your heart once was.
She was head over heels for you,
And using your theatrical talents, you fooled her into thinking that those feelings were mutual.
But when she wasn’t enough,
She was left behind, once again surrounded by loneliness.
Unable to rediscover herself,
Because in the midst of unknowingly losing you, she lost herself too.

I can’t do this any longer.
They all toss my heart around like a football because its fun to watch the girl tear apart.
You don’t realize it, but it hurts me.
The way you flirted with my best friend right in front of me hurt,
The way you stared into my eyes and treated me so “nicely" was painful.
That’s it though, you simply haven’t done anything wrong.
You’re so perfect yet I'm still scared to feel.
Tonight was the night that I’d decide my feelings for you.
And I have, I fell for you so hard and this breathtaking, captivating, heart aching  feeling was so recognizable.
It was the same way I felt when I fell all those times before.
My body knows this as a warning sign,
Stopping me from continuing.
I am damaged from the past, and frightened by the future.
I’m stuck in this mindset, unable to escape.
I am defective,
Not worthy of anyone.
I was fearful of falling for you, and with good reason.
But now I've fallen for your quirky smile, your brown eyes, and your playful flirting.
I’ve put myself on the line and you've changed you’re mind.
You’re playing games that I don’t know the rules to.
You could so easily pull away from me at any second.
Leaving, and if that’s the case then I’ll bury my feelings so deep down and pretend as if they never existed.
But they’ll still be stuck inside,
Slicing up my body.
Causing unbearable pain which I’ll hide just one more time with a cute little smile.
And like every single time,
I’ll act as if I never felt anything.
But once I’m alone, I will breakdown, falling apart piece by piece.
Because I have finally fallen for you, and as I predicted,
I am breaking because of it.

I’ve always been asked why I adore the rain so much,
Here is my explanation.
I love the rain because it’s beautiful,
Just like my older sister’s smile.
I love the rain because sometimes it comes wrapped in a storm,
A storm with loud rumbling thunder,
And with lightning striking an electric current that jolts through my body,
Waking me up from the deep sleep caused by my unexciting routined life.
I do the same thing everyday, and each repeated action pushes me a little farther into this hole of depression.
That was until you came into my life,
You were my lightning.
But also my storm;
Ripping through my life and drowning me in sorrow.
I love the rain because it hides my tears,
They camouflage into it and for once it feels like I’ve stopped crying.
I love the rain because I can go outside and be alone.
The streets go from crowded and loud,
To lonely and quiet.
With the most prominent sound being the tiptoe of rain against the my old yellow rain boots.
I love the rain because it’s smell fills my lungs and I feel as if I can finally breathe. Because the thunder jumpstarts my otherwise sedated heart.
I love the rain because it brings me back to life,
And alters my numbed brain,
Making me feel again.

I haven’t heard from you for a while.
Seems like our relationship has just disappeared into thin air,
And you don’t even care.
We had a blooming friendship that was intertwined with love,
But like a needle taken to a balloon, our little bubble of joy bursted as reality barged in and tore us apart.
It would have never worked between us anyways.
I didn’t know what I wanted, but all I needed was a friend.
You wanted more, or nothing.
I barely knew you yet I lay here staring at the ceiling thinking of your hands.
You pop into my mind at the most inconvenient times,
And leave me motionless.
When I think of you its like time stops and the only things I can feel are the deep crater in my heart that you filled for a moment and my missing you.
I now lack our long conversations and your early morning texts,
Would it be that bad if those were to exist once more?
I fell for you but not in love.
I fell into the wall of friendship, and it supported me.
You didn’t go crumbling down when I crashed into you.
I valued that but no matter what my feelings, you still wanted more.
Everyone wanted me to have more for you.
I can’t give you anymore.
I have been drained of love.
I am barren and empty.
There will be no more love for me to give as long as my feelings are knotted up like this.
I thought I had you to help me detangle my emotions and figure out how to feel okay again,
But you’ve left me like all the others.
You left that empty crater and the tangled ball of feelings for me to sort out on my own, even though I can’t.
I’ve gone down this road one too many times.
I’m finished with finding someone to help and to compensate for the one I loved.
I give up.
And so I’ll have to find my lost strength and fix myself alone.
But I don’t know if that is even possible,
Because what if I like being broken?

It felt good at first
The way he picked me up, swung me around and kissed me goodbye.
His hands almost froze off but he didn’t care because they were holding mine.
He would always watch me instead of the movie
He made me feel unbreakable and happy
Things I hadn’t felt in ages

I counted 4 times
4 times he repeated “I like you”
Making sure I knew just how fond he had grown of me
I fell for him so hard that getting back up seemed impossible.
But it was those endless moments we spent staring into each others eyes
and the way he’d run his fingers through my hair,
That felt good at first.

It all came crashing down so fast
Suddenly his lips weren’t made for mine anymore
He chose impulse over devotion
Sticking with what he knows rather than discovering something new
Leaving me behind to pick up the pieces of my broken heart scattered on the bedroom floor.
He played me all along
He knowingly put me through hell and got off on it
Yet I still sit here missing him, missing the person that I thought he was.
I want him to stay up all night to watch the sunrise with me again
I want to get lost in his eyes just one more time.
I want him to look at me the way he did, like I was the only girl in the world and he’d never leave my side.
All I want
Is for him to love me.
But he loves her.

Seeing him everyday reminded me of it all.
Those split seconds I lock eyes with him, created a tornado of memories in my mind.
Good and bad
Making my knees weak and my heart sink
Breakdown after breakdown,
Thinking it’d never end.
But now he's just a blurred figure in the halls,  
A memory locked away in the back of my mind never to be opened again.