Wake up and follow me home
We can't get that far when he doesn't want me
But I can't let up
He's everything that keeps me up
I'm sure I could write a novel
And package it in two or three

The best kind of love
where everybody bleeds more than once

I saw you through those old-fashioned flings
Sea-glass for Wendy and nothing for me
It began with Benzedrine
And me forgetting how to sleep

For welcome home
You just gotta shed your skin
I'm sure you could if you tried it
And if you let me in
If you let me in

I. You don’t see him - you’ve never really
  seen him. You just open up to the stars and
  imagine him as the divinity watching you
  back. But stars don’t watch you and he
  doesn’t even know you’re trying to tell
  him something

II. You burned him alive - taught him trauma
   is made by repeats - made sure that even
   lain in his childhood home he would not be
   allowed peace. You never looked twice.

III. There’s something in his body you’ve missed
    by just taking flesh

IV. You’re only into monsters - His lying, his
    claws, his teeth. Wait to be eaten.

His eyes have stayed with me
How alive can one be?
I remind myself of winter

Sure, of bright, of white
A sugared mess of joy
But I am dead

I met autumn in him
Springing to life
He carried wind on his back

Though I tried I can not steal
His heart
Or his look of lovely cheer

I do not see what they see
but I'm frightened that I do
and they see this massive form, too

I exist on coffee and air
more often than I'd like to admit
But it's worse to say when there's food involved

It's shameful to be scared to consume
while every calorie is an expansion of tomb
of your skin that you wear daily

And you grow larger and larger
while not eating much or nearly enough
and you really do see it that way

You wonder, everyday, has one person noticed
Wondering if there has been any change in appearance
even though the number on the scale keeps going down

You believe it for a moment
and in the mirror you can see it, finally
You're smaller, even sickly, and it feels good

But then you lose your control one day
and you eat and eat until you can't physically swallow one more bite
and though the weight gain is nowhere near noticeable
You're just as fat as you were when you started

This poem is a place to purge my soul
of dark and sad and grievance old
tracing the timeline backward, away
to my life as a child, listless days
The men who won't have me
and the few who do
The hurting ache of physical roles
and the relief of finished holes
I dedicate this to a brother, half-awake
all the friends I've let go
for their little mistakes
and the hours every day I ran
while out of fuel through my ruined lands
For my inability to love or feel or wish
to the loser in my life who caused it
and my mother who feels the fault
and my skin that has scars self-inflicted
I have an ode to share with future self
wealth, health, and ache keeps you alive
it serves to remind
It is alright if you have already died

I can see the blue-green veins on my hands
Stimulant-rich filling a gradient mess
I've made my heart explode
How alive I show my attentions
Form of sly glances and pretty writing
Aren't I easy on the eyes?
If I were me, I could help you to decide
But I am just frame and lions mane
My music, too loud, ushers 3 truths
Deaf, blind, and dumb
Numb- I've finally won
War against self- ******* permanent wealth
Meaning in nothing
The emptiness as words
Stomach growling as reminder of worth
Mother Earth- seek, see? I'm no longer weak!
I eat!
So leave! I'll waste between each creep
Looking my way, bleed
Onto me
Manically, I plead
Stop- no, start watching me!

The season dies
in lampshade light
I crawl from the shelter
I have made in bed

My intent is shrouded
like the sun is clouded
I know I felt her
before all of this

It was convincing
she insisted
on an expensive retreat
from the earth, as it is

So while the plants sing
and the intuitive collapse
in heaps
Sonne laughs at the bruise
she creates and keeps

i'm trying to figure out why everything
is so un-
so underwhelming
the only escape is in scenes in head
in the silhouette of movie frame
in the space between the lines in song
i feel utterly
so un-\
inspired
intuitive
inundated
just save me god
rescue me from the none
the un-

A man to love a man
while I am here
staking claims on all
that I do not have
I will not possess
I  abhor the thought
I rise and dress
thinking only of a mask
Sanity or brains
clever thoughts in a train
Ha ha!
and no one will tell
except those I tell
and there will be naught
I am wiser than that
until second thought

Papers, not stacked but strewn the mess piles up
Somewhere, underneath the smoke
The bandages, there is the remote

Ah, yes, so this is reality
wrapped up and defined
a mere inch of cosmic truth
a mere fathom of existence
and we exist, yet
in the realm of senses
relishing the feeling touch leaves
on your nervous system
where the signal is reached in your brain
and your atoms and molecules are solid for one moment
but then there is no awareness
and you are again existence and the cosmos

Abled
Messingly sweet
Remembering your taste
In a cup of coffee

Sweating wet
Down my chin and over limb
I haven't heard
Spoken words

Designed over leave
Overseas, and for nearly free
Small size
I overcompensate my life

Messing memories
Swapping livelihoods
Words making their
Own way out

It’s too easy to breath in and let go
To each his own
Too smart to hone your skills
And jostling inside the passenger seat
The hills and barren plains
Tears well in my eyes, but I never cry
It’s not emotion, but a lack of body

It’s a void, black and white
But no color is not a color
so what is there to describe
I am devoid
Deaddened
Decreasing in size and volume and I
Realize that I am no longer the night
But I am not day and I do not shine
I am the otherside
If anything
I am an other, alright
I am
I have to be something
If not, then what
I am scared to find out

It is over - again
before it's meant to be
because I can not stick
to one thing
Bored, restless
and I'm not good enough
to continue
to prosper

It is over - again
I have to let them
know why
to provide excuses
as they are truths
my lies to self

It is over - again

Morning in the dark of winter
long before the sun could rise
I am awake and itching to see the Earth
To go outside and breathe in stifling air
that only stifles if you expect it to
and it's awfully quite funny to pretend
and it's terribly amusing to ignore
until outside, and you wonder,
What is the pretense for?

I have won something
Chance random
I come out on top
How hatred bursts and runs over

A cup, how small
Fills and wills paper towel
And cloth bandage
Reccuringly fixable

I dress
modestly enough
to impress myself
I choose from two skins
show ******* or show legs
I've learned that doing both
makes you slutty
not my words
not my decision

I am not usually bothered
society is a fault
but then I remember
and get new examples
every time
I want to look nice
only for me

I am asked who I want to impress
I look attractive
not like every other day
and is there a man in my life
because I must only do this for him
yes, yes, you are sure
and I am an object

This reminds me of long ago
of a childhood halted
and of a different dark night
where my foolishness
caused me to suffer
always the fault of me
I always continue
to move forward

But these steps back
caused by greedy eyes and fingers
and sweaty palms and simple words
and nice gestures
never explicitly stated
these will all lead to me
disappointing someone
because I can not deliver anymore
that which has been taken from me

I carry the knowledge around always
I am not my own
I am pieces, scattered, taken
fleshy longings
I wonder if it is a lack of control
or a gesture of dominance
on their part
but it really doesn't matter

This is already reality
I exist solely for others
and I was never taught this
by my mother, who now mentions
I turned out wrecked
and horrible as a result of a childhood trauma
that I don't know how to fix inside of me

I want to give myself away
to any man who shows me a tiny
piece of the affection I crave
and it's dangerous
and I do not let myself know any man
I do not make friends
or talk to people more than necessary
and I don't even want to know
what they think of me
I fade into backgrounds
and behind white noise

I'm not even distraught
as this is my only choice

stark-white contrast with my

dark mind, soul gone, hair gone

admit nothing amidst loving

the chilling winter aura

for, uh, your control, um

I’m allowing you to have won

I will be strong
no recompense without release
not when relief is given freely
if I could just force myself
to be free
I will be dynamic
the dynamo grown old
muscles on muscles in brain
and my physical body
I will be strong, like
stone like lightening
like my god
like my gifts
there is no patron
telling me that I need
suffer any longer
my time will come
and I will
be strong

I will chase you down
If you don’t love me
Fashion hairpins from
Fish ribs
Bring myself to anti-******
Thinking of your
Valleys and hills
Carry buckets of water
Over all the trails

I’ll teach you the value
Of holding my hand
And the separate pleasure
Meeting for moonlight sonata
In the middle of daybreak
And I will do it
Drag the entire world down
To fit in your palm
I will do it

I’d like to meet you in a daydream
On the foothills of the Appalachia
Spreading seeds and carrying
My harvest basket
I’d meet you for board game night
Across the table
And I’d meet you at a quarter past three
The dead silent night
Lift up my arms and bask in it
Surrounded by all of you

The stars were never this bright until tonight

Do you remember anything
From when we stole the car and drove across state
The time slows so far down
That time still replays
alright, okay, it's fine, it's fun
Nature is a part of all of us, you remind me
Because I forget anything about the world I'm in
Could you hold me up again
Because I haven't touched my plate
I could let go of everything but this, it seems
Just hold on tight and get out of your dream world
okay, alright, I'll be alright

We sat near a window
I hoped someone would see
Cause I was so proud
That a  handsome man did want me

When I convinced you to walk in the snow
I froze to the bone and took shelter
It's all a frigid joke
Not adjusted to the cold


“Hey there, come here,
Let me see your hands
To warm from ice,
Come here, I will hold you”

I fell on my ***
You laughed and fell on top of me
We raced towards the warmth
Which you tried to compete with

Inside your house and closer
You laughed when my words choked me
And gave me a warmer pair of gloves
In your favorite color

You poured us *** but forgot the coke
We laughed about some wrapper
We found inside of our coats
Your brother opens the front door

He laughs in our faces
I race out of the house
Winter tried to stop me
Uselessly, I was never indecisive

Acting in pageant
Passive elective
Done no wrong
No lies
No singing of songs
Life, today
Leaves
Lackluster
Musted-over
Lingered over
Every thought
Each want
Undone
As time unwinds
To each his own
Each leaf a throne
Avoidance every
What now
Can I do
Will I go
Through
With
The
End
I
Desire
Of myself

I'm swimming through it
Vacation from the past
Awkward, uninvited,
I give your wave it's crest
I give your way it's mess
Awkward, uninvited,
You say, if I let you go
You'll pass
But I have nothing and I am nothing
And nothing feels the best
I have the west
Grated into me, born, bred
Raised from the exit signs
Of a highway, the green of the background
The blanch of the words
I am only light when I'm reflected
The holographic card that shows two images
I am neither, you are both
And we spend Saturdays in bed
You spend rainy days with your hands in your lap
And your ****, thick and red
I am hypnotized by the blood rushing from my head
I stand and leave and breathe out, still in bed

My artful deception
Not nearly done
The sweet divine is calling

The normal precession
Left to right & big to small
I fall backwards

Shadows cut lines
In perfect enchantments
A poet's lullaby

Meaning in nothing
Everything is one thing
Look into my reflection with me

Gravity is sickened
Falling sideways
Swaying to the beat

Consciousness clouded
Each footfall is massive
Echoes into all matter

Floor as my witness
Collapsing in slowly
Push back on me

Pause for a slowing
Deliberate growing
Our solidarity as fuel

But what is living without barriers
Or a body without hard lines -
My angles are fine

Each purple and green finger nail
Bruise or coloring book
Endangered organs

Wrap me up in cold
Or create me a mold
Something to fall into

My creation is lazy
In colors I am blind

I am apportioned to the beast
in this porcelain affair
Laid back against the will
imposed upon me
If I were at fault I would concede
Full of everything besides this
abhorrent singularity

The worm is no more than the fungus
as I am no more than he
but this **** ego collapses
When I feel no superiority
Illuminated by yellow light
a bathroom mirror destroys the illusion
My distorted features

Allowed to imagine the similarities
Mood sour, taut skin, sunken features
existing just to taunt myself
I haven't died, nor even tried
Stuck in the hollow between emotions
life continues alone to leave me
pacing and writing my disease

I would rather tear apart the witness
Frozen, he stands on the ground
The truth is a marvel, a lion, a moat
I conquer! I siege!

My monastery dance, no ankles, no *******
Hello, wandering eyes, left - bereft
Swear your majesty their tragedy is yours
I look upon theft for reward

It’s all porcelain before quake
We meet and you sit not anticipating shake
My weight falls great to outlast days
No longer! **** me!

He was criminally insane
Wringing hands, wild brain
Holding out on what he was
He was watching, grabbing paws
Treating me like a dog he trains
I'm so lucky, glad he came

It's fine, I swear, I like the light to leave his eyes
It's fine, so rare, a love like his just can't compare

When he fists a grasp about my arm
It's a child's hand-holding charm
I'm blushing under the crushing weight
He holds me back but it's too late
I'm fallen and he doesn't want me
My desperation is an ugly trait