She was a stranger.
Cute, freckled, one of the most beautiful smiles.
And when she looked at me it felt right.

He was a stranger.
Nice eyes, a full beard, tall and burly.
His eyes glanced my way one too many times to be coincidental.

With her I felt comfortable, at ease.
It felt right to smile at her and laugh with her,
and even though I knew it would go nowhere it made me happy.

With him I felt a dull excitement, a small thrill.
It felt good knowing that there was a man around that wanted me,
even though I was sure that I didn't want him.


And that is how I know.
Because laughing and smiling at a new girl felt closer to love
than the lingering lustful looks of an unknown man I was told already wanted me.

I used to grasp onto the smallest bit of attention from a man,
falling over myself with feelings at the mere possibility of being loved by one. Its been years since I've felt that way, I've outgrown the falsehoods about what I thought I knew.

I belong with a woman, I just know I do.

It left a physical scar - a quarter inch thick and two inch long slice on the front of my throat. It sits there, a bump in what was the once uninterrupted expanse of smooth skin. The redness an obvious and unavoidable contrast to the paleness that surrounds it. A reminder of what was - of weakness, illness, the minor but distinct threat of death, the reminder of a strength I didn’t know I had until I had no other choice but to muster it up.

But it’s the emotional scar that bothers me more. They took the ***** out but the rage stayed. Its burrowed its way into the spot that hunk of human tissue used to call home and its only grown since -
moving in,
unpacking all of its things,
painting the walls,
adopting the frustrating habit of always being late on its rent.
Morphing me into someone that I don’t entirely understand anymore.
Someone so stupid and reckless that I don’t care if it ends up killing me.

Sometimes I think the cancer never really left.
That I just took its place
An understudy that plays the same role,
maybe just not as well as the lead can,
but well enough that its hard to remember
that the lead was replaced to begin with.

every birthday candle wish was a wish for love
for someone to see me and love me for it
but then i got a taste of a relationship

and from now on

every birthday candle wish will be for solitude
to remain alone and happy
because the taste i got was so sour

i ***** a little every time i think about it now

When some people think of their childhood home
they're greeted with fond nostalgia and warm smiles
memories that feel good to remember.

When I think of my childhood home
I'm greeted with flashes of emotional abuse and constant fear
an iron box that took my childhood and left it bare.

A writer, aspiring poet,
constantly afraid that she’ll blow it.
A daughter, loving sister,
insecure that anyone could ever miss her.

A misfit, won’t ever quit,
pretends she doesn’t actually give a ****.
A poser, laughably mediocre,
she draws her originality from the ones before her.

A reckless forgiver, a generous spender,
hold her back and you’ll most definitely suffer.
A blunt speaker, a big dreamer,
bitterly honest because she couldn’t ever stand being known as a liar.

A level six sorceress, an RPG-er,
she’s a d20 that never manages to roll a high number.
A voice with many accents, a toolbox filled with talent,
she wants to voice the characters in a first-person shooter.


                                                       *

But mostly, she’s the girl
who overwaters flowers
because she feels bad for them.

Who dyes her hair bright colors
because she gets bored
and simply for the hell of it.

Who battled cancer for over a year
but can’t manage
to call herself a survivor.

Who wrote this poem
even though she thought
she didn’t have the words for it.

You were my first relationship,
but that's all you were.

You weren't my first kiss,
my first date,
my first dance,
my first time,
my first love,
or the first person
I naively put all of my hope into.

But I'm going to find someone
that will be all of those things for me
and more.


I am so glad it was never you.

You know the relief you feel
once you finally come to consciousness
after spending a night
haunted by the most violent dreams?

The intake of oxygen upon waking
and the solace of realizing you're safe
That was what I felt
the moment I decided to leave you.

Now I can finally sleep
without having to wake up
to the pain I lived with
when I was with you.

Being with you was always a nightmare.