maybe the chains that hold me down
are there so I never blame myself
for sitting on my youth

I’ve drunk to the point of nausea
the deepness of my soul
And still I force myself to drink

I breathe out
I breathe in
remind myself that this
is just the dark between the stars
some spaces are wide
and some are small
but there are no stars with no space at all

I’ve always been most joyful
walking on the sand
waiting to see what pearls the waves will bring me
I’ve always been most sorrowful
wading in the water
when the waves took back their treasures
But I’ve always been proudest swimming
past the danger signs
viewing cities hidden from those staying safe on land

A simple question, really
But asked as my heart screams in agony
is only fuel to the flame
today
Might I live more by reason?
Might I be at peace
if I ordered my life more on knowledge
instead of ordering knowledge on feelings?

A frown spreads across my face
wrinkles form between my eyebrows
as I dare to stare to into the stained glass of my mind
I can’t yet make out the images in the corners
My eyes smart
my hazel irises racing back and forth between the blazing light of windows and the black of inky chasms
I’m trying to understand the beginning
to find some logical sense to the rhythm in my bones
and the patterns of these endless colored panes
My mind is greatly adorned
but I find it stiflingly cluttered

The deepest wounds have healed
and only the surface of my heart is bleeding
the skin still too pinky fresh to endure
the falls that courage brings me

I looked in the mirror
massaging my face with brightening oils
I noticed an old pimple scar as I smiled
purple spot under my mouth
almost deep enough to be a pinprick dimple
Cute, really
somehow that little dot of beauty
became to me an epiphany
And I realized
that the way I’ve always waited
is more than a scar, than a beauty mark
more than inspiration
for bleeding art
It’s an important part
it takes a key place in my preparation
for life and what’s meant for me

I chose my position
apparently too firmly
Dug myself in like I was an iron fence post
meant to last a decade in that square foot of soil
Time to change my position
but I never learned to dig myself out
I always stood in the same spot for years and gave myself away to the slow journey of erosion
But I declare it’s not enough this time
waiting for erosion was never good enough

They don’t know I never walked away
I never stood up at once and shook off the dust of a thousand thoughts and deliberations
like extra sprinkles on a plate
I never walked away
I used to suffer night and day
in all kinds of weather
waiting for the rain and wind to wear
away the trench I’d built from my own words
I still wonder if it was the words that trapped me
How can I cut through my own diction and throw them away like old chains?
Oh, beautiful fetters
I have loved with so many intricate letters
and I cannot let them just fall to the ground
But I will hold my breath and let them go
as I let go all my childhood scribbles
float away like feathers
on a gentle breath

I went to lay on my bed
and let my emotions seep into the sheets
weeping feelings
How does standing in Your waterfall of love
seem like not enough?
gallons cascade down upon me
Yet I’m empty
You knew standing in an outside love
would never be enough
So You placed the source in me
Remind me, God
I AM River

certain wishes in my heart ask to die
but I hate to crush such beautiful wishes
crystal prisms of lovely antique thoughts  
I still tell myself as bedtime stories
I pull them across my glassy eyes like curtains
stepping into dreamland upon the clouds of fatal fantasies
Oh, how they begin to plead for death
They desperately long for me to move on
To wishes I am proud to speak at dawn
Goodbye, sweet relics
Goodnight

I’m beginning again
Preparing to walk down a thousand new paths
So I pause
to look fondly on the old roads
I stoop down to see what flowers I should carry with me to my next destination
I don’t know where that will be
so I listen closely to the birds
their mocking tones repeat back to me the sounds of childhood bliss
I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of all my dreams
they envelope me like memories of fog
The excitement of early morning meets me
my journey pulls gently at the tips of hesitant boots
I slowly rise to greet it
A New Day

No
I tend to swallow it whole
and it shatters
like a lightbulb in my throat
the shards drop down to slice my stomach
All I can do is pray for relief
gasping and choking
as I struggle to communicate what happened
the doctor knows it’s only for my mental benefit
to put my thoughts in order
He sees all with X-ray vision
and already has administered the remedy

I never run from pain
but do I hide my face from it?

I see a lot of people calling this year crazy
But I’m not among them
My year was not crazy
well . . .
I know some people who might call it that
but they live such quiet, boring lives
I lived life high
So High
my highest yet
As heavy as my heart still is
It’s a thousand times lighter than last year
and I know it is but tremors of the coming days ahead
What flight is in my future?
How wide will my wings yet be?

I wonder where you are now
remembering you like a balmy breeze I felt on a spring day
standing on the sand of the Indian River
the gentle comfort you brought me
a nice memory
I hope you are well
and as happy as a breeze should be

I wonder if all the many love stories
I’ve written for myself
are like bright red roses
a flower crown
above my head
And it only gets better from here

What is the meaning of this mystery?
that You would come to be cared for
by those who You came to care for?
That as You were lifted up and fed and changed
You were also enabling this strength?
You would have died, if we had not loved You?
You, who died because You loved us
held Yourself open and vulnerable
dependent upon the most unpredictable of creatures
Alas, and Amen
I cannot fathom this

No feeling in your heart deserves a violent end
if one must be put to rest
give it a quiet, gentle death

I learned lessons IN patience
You learned lessons OF patience
and now we might show each other these truths

“So Eva, I hear you’re in love?”
  “Ha!” I reacted in derision
Later thoughts wondering why I had responded so
For surely that was the truth
even if I’m aware how much deeper I could go
To take one step into the sea
is to be
In The Sea

The Gardener has Come
to **** out every Fear

I think that there should always be a blank space
an empty poem
a white canvas
an unburned cd
A silent song
In every hall of Art
to remind you that there is a need for your thoughts
Come speak life into the void