Running satisfies the part of me that hates myself

I thought it simply enjoyed watching me suffer

But now I know: it hates me, and wants to make me better

I've seen the future
You kissed me and someone cried
I couldn't tell who
Alright, I at least peeked at the future

I know things end bad
I know things start good
I'd stop if I could avoid you somehow
No, I wouldn't, but it sounds nice

Why'd we let things go so far?
The tears next year
The kiss next month
The laugh next week
The smile tomorrow
The hello
The hello was yesterday

It's already too late
See you tomorrow

I never know when I'll need you
So I want you to be there
Always

I want to wake up to you
With messy hair and last night's clothes
Eating breakfast with you

I want to meet you for lunch
Take a break from work
Watch people walk by

I want to do my own thing for dinner
I think that's healthy

I want to come back at midnight
Or 2 AM
For a snack
A last glance at you

My 24/7 donut shop

The snow piles up and I am struck with awe
A white expanse, a blank slate fills my view
Before the wind can strip our faces raw
I think I'll try to build us an igloo

Wind in our eyes, snow on our lips we sweat
The bricks of snow begin to take on form
Exhaustion hasn't claimed our bodies yet
This shell will be our home within the storm

The final blocks complete our icy mold
We've built our secret shelter from the chill
These walls will serve to fight against the cold
Tonight we'll share our warmth together, still

The darkness draws the worst of winter's bite
Our igloo keeps us safe all through the night

I think I won't ever cry again
I've grown older, wiser, maybe a bit colder
Kid drama is all over
I already cried at all the real good stuff

Every time I'm proven wrong I can't help but think
   for just a second
How nice it is to feel so powerfully:
   succumb completely to rage
   give deep love over to deep loss
   take pride in having shame
   be brought to my knees in awe
or
pluck that ******* ******* nose hair

Winter's here
and they say it's ******* cold
they slip and fall on ice
curse the slush under their tires
windchill's reaching zero
they call in sick
lie to lie in bed and avoid the chill

But it's not so bad
I went for a run today
never falling
barely feeling the burn
mind sharp as the ice
clean as the fresh snow

It's not ******* cold
it's crisp

I can do one thing right every day

Sometimes the thing is going for a run
or going to the gym
or tossing a frisbee

Sometimes it's catching up on emails
or writing a paper
or buying groceries

Sometimes I talk to a friend
or smile at a stranger
or watch birds

Sometimes one thing is watching a movie
or playing videogames
or reading a chapter of a book

Four days ago I washed the dishes
Three days ago I checked the mail
Two days ago I took a shower

Yesterday all I could do was get out of bed
it's not much
but it's something

Sometimes
    not always, but
Sometimes
          I lay in bed for 19 hours
          get up
          take a shower
          pace around the house for a bit
          think about calling a friend
          go back to bed

Sometimes
    on a bad day
Sometimes
          I tell my friends I have plans
          say I've been busy
          say the interview went well
          say there was an interview
          say everything's under control
          lie to everyone I see

Sometimes
    occasionally
        more often than I'd like
            more often than I'll admit
                more often than not
                    most of last month
                        all of last week
Sometimes
          I really don't like myself

I spend all night in bed
trying to sleep
sometimes succeeding

I spend all day in bed
trying to leave
sometimes succeeding

I spend my life in bed
trying to live
sometimes succeeding