The rain kept pouring
as I watched through
the window, thinking,
Will it ever end?
I resent the coldness,
and the feeling of emptiness
that comes with
the harsh downpour.
It reminds me of how
alone I feel,
and how lost I am
because of the things
he did before
going away
and breaking my heart.
I closed my eyes
and tried to tune out,
the sound of the falling drops..
but the feeling is still there,
I cannot ignore its existence
which made me think again,
for the nth time,
about how hard it is
to just forget memories
and to forgive
the person you gave
your whole heart to..
that same person
whom you never expected
to hurt you
the most.
And so I try to wait,
as they said a dozen times,
wait some more,
for the rain
and the pain
to both be gone
from my life,
so I can finally get out
and say,
*goodbye.

Most of the time,
the hardest battle
happens inside our heads.
We fight so hard to cope
with all the disappointments
life throws at us,
that we either come out stonger
or just become damaged
beyond repair.
This battle leaves
not just mere memories,
but issues as souvenirs..
the kind that makes you feel
completely scarred for life.

Do you know how it feels
to fight this kind of fight?
Where you know you're the only one
who feels it,
sees it,
and you're the only person
who can free yourself from this hell.
You are basically alone..
No one can understand
how the feeling of emptiness
can drown you from the inside.
How exhausting it is to fight off
the demons that continue
to haunt you
even when you're asleep.
That constant feeling of hopelessness
that makes you question
your reason for still existing..
Why me?
you will ask this a million times
when you're trying so hard
to look okay to others
while internally screaming for help.

Every single day
you wonder how long
you can still last
before you succumb to the darkness
inside of you.
Every single night
you pray for light,
in this never ending blackness-
*"Will I ever get out
of my loneliness?
And so I ask of You,
dear God,
please save me from this.
Anyone,
save me from myself."

I remember every detail-
every touch, every breath, every heartbeat..
under the tapestry
of our imagined reality.
Lost in a binding haste
as we sought for an escape;
our bodies collided,
our thoughts combined,
our beings intertwined.
We held hands
as we stared in the depths of each other's soul..
finding comfort in this inexplicable force.
Our eyes locked in a silent prayer
and the world ceased
with only us to exist
in this seemingly surreal
bliss..
Two incomplete parts
of a wholeness
only you and I could ever fit.
At that moment-
no words were needed,
just our nearness..
And with overwhelming longing
for a taste of togetherness..
as we asked for forever
time stood still
then in the madness,
we surrendered.

​​The distance between
you and me,
at this very moment,
is all I need.
I can gaze at you freely
and not let you on
in this secret that I've been keeping.
When you turn to look at me
I can smile, wink,
and even shoot
a dozen finger hearts your way
and still feel assured
that you'll never figure it out
unless I say my feelings out loud.
When we listen to my favorite song,
I'll sing in and out of tune
and you'll comment
on how bad I sound
I'll pretend to be offended,
throw a fake tantrum
while trying to fight off my laughter
and you'll continue to tease me mercilessly.
When I start to rant
about the most trivial things,
and babble complete nonsense
I know I'll find comfort
because you'll always listen
to all the craziness I may say.
This small distance,
just enough to be near you
but far enough
to mask the fast beating
of my traitorous heart,
is bittersweet to say the least..
like it's a perfect explanation
of what we are and
what we will ever be.
But still, despite the inconsistencies,
I remain happy,
I would not even ask for more because
the distance between
you and me,
at this very moment,
is all I'll ever need.

I am at this point where
I have already built
an indestructible wall around myself,
where nothing can break in,
nor is anyone welcome to come in.
Every single day
is mostly the same;
I get by
doing what I have to do,
and meet new people
whom I can hardly recall
since all they did
was to come and go.
Everything became a blur
of happenings and faces
all of which I can barely
differentiate from one after another.
It was at this that I am good at,
living life in my own terms,
without leaving a space
for anyone to stay.
This solace became too comfortable to exist in,
away from the chaos
of wishful thinkings
and of heartbreaks' tears.
Here, now,
I am already at peace.
But them comes the twist,
the unexpected made its way in
and suddenly,
every single day
becomes a constant battle
between happiness and reality.
And no matter how hard I try
to convince myself
that it probably is just
a make believe,
what can I do?
The butterflies
are already here.