"I'm a sad girl/I'm a bad girl//"

I'm a sad girl
but I've gotten better at controlling it.

now I only let myself get sad once Loneliness knocks on my door and invites itself in. it tends to do so past midnight, but it does enjoy keeping me on my toes. sometimes, it'll creep up on me while I'm in the car, and a song comes on the radio that reminds me of you.

I'm a bad girl
but only occasionally.

I'd like to think that I'm a total badass that can pull off the whole "I don't give a ****" attitude. but I can't.
so when you try to picture me as I tell you I'm a bad girl, don't picture me as a mysterious teenager with a taste for wild adventures.
picture me instead as the girl that lashes out at people, and is known for being a bit of a *****.

———

I'm a sad girl
and most of the time, it's because of you.

which, I suppose, might amuse you, because you do enjoy the thought that everything is about you.
but it isn't, really. not anymore.
of course, I think of you, from time to time. but I know I never cross your mind, and I don't think I ever did.
and somehow the thought of that was enough to help me make peace with what happened. I'm okay now,with letting you go. Loneliness has found other people to entertain, as have I.

I'm a bad girl
but not really.

I'm much too vulnerable for that. but I've learned that there is strength to be found in that—in weakness.
I wanted to be invincible, and who can blame me, really? isn't it every teenager's dream to be on top of the world?
but being undefeatable and creating distance between anyone that tries to get you to open up are not the same thing.

and if I had to choose, I'd rather be sad.
at least then, I know that while I'd have crazy mood swings and bursts of darkness, I'd be in full control of my feelings.
and one day, I'll be okay.

you were so toxic.
you took everything good that happened to me and
breathed your poison all over it, because you needed
some kind of evidence that you were a dominant figure in my life.

but for whatever reason, I loved you anyways.
and I know you loved me back, in your own twisted way.

that was such a dangerous position for me to be in, because
I was never sure if you wanted to kiss me or **** me;
your mood dictated it all.

regardless- I would've given everything up for you,
because I saw light inside of you,
buried somewhere underneath all the rubble of hurt and anger.
and I was so determined to unearth that light,
that one little piece of you that was proof of you being human.  

darling, I should've started running from the first day.
but you know what they say:
"sometimes the person that you'd take a bullet for
is standing behind the trigger."

We both created
such a beautiful mess.
We were like a watercolor painting,
shades of reds and blues
and purples and greens
splattered on a blank canvas.

my sadness is asking to use the bathroom during class just so I can lock myself up in one of the stalls and break down completely without worrying about people watching me. my sadness is trying trying trying to write but my hands are shaking too much to do anything but bury my head in them. my sadness is typing up messages to friends about what a ****** day it's been, but deleting the whole thing just as I'm about to send it, because no one deserves to be burdened by my problems— this is my struggle and mine alone; and I need to be able to deal with it. my sadness is not being in control of my own thoughts; not knowing how make the screaming voices stop. my sadness is absorbing the pain from people around me and sometimes letting it get to me.
--
my sadness isn't rainy days and a few "sad songs". my sadness isn't "she drank the whole bottle but your name still burns at the back of her throat". my sadness isn't me spending time in children's playgrounds, surrounded by people with thoughts darker than mine ever could be, and a taste for drugs and danger. my sadness isn't "she smokes now, but her mind is still as hazy as the day you left". my sadness isn't flowers in my hair or anything that can be encapsulated in a tumblr photo or quote. my sadness isn't beautiful, nor poetic.
--
it's just sad.

you didn't realize it, but our souls were intertwined. when you hurt, some part inside of me felt that same pain; even more so than you did, because it hurt me to see you hurt. and when you were smiling, my heart filled with warmth and happiness, because I knew how much you deserved that moment of serenity and joy. but when you changed, and disappeared suddenly, all I felt was nothingness because when you left, you took a part of me with you.