And oh,
How I fall for his brown eyes
And his sweet breath on my skin.

Saying goodbye
Tastes like the back of stamps
Bittersweet

Today
I am paper origami
And I do not want to leave this crumple sheet bed.

I was at work today
And I thought of you.
I was doing laundry today
And I thought of you.
I was lying in my bed, staring at the ceiling,
Darkness swarming me,
And I thought of you.
I was staring out the window on the ride home,
And I thought of you.
I thought about the emptiness in your bed..
I thought about the quietness of your home.
I often think about Nick's face and his burgundy dress shirt.
I swear to God, I hate it now.
I hate the look he gave me when I walked in.
I hate the weight that his been placed on his chest lately,
on all of ours.
It still feels unreal.
I feel like I am supposed to see you at Matt's barbecues this summer.
I think about you getting bugs in your teeth from riding around the lawn.
Sometimes when you are out and about with life, it just hits you.
You never expect it.
Today, the sun came out and it made me upset to think that I cannot share that with you.

Everything feels like it’s been going in slow motion.
I don’t feel anything
Until suddenly it’s too much to handle.
I like to think it’s just the stress from school, but I think in reality,
I know it’s deeper.
I am a constant cloud of worry.
Dampening everything and everyone in my path.
I like to think that it’s not you.
I like to push off the fact that you’re aren’t here anymore.
I like to pretend that I’m not walking holes in my shoes,
In my dreams,
Trying to find you and bring you home.
I like to pretend that I haven’t been trying to fill this void in my life.
That this whole thing isn’t real.
I sometimes see your face in strangers
As I am walking to class,
At the grocery store,
In parking lots.
I hate that I have to see your dad constantly destroying his life.
I hate that your little brother will someday realize this, or maybe he won’t.. but by then it will probably be too late.
I hate that I have been burying all of these emotions so deep.
Every little inconvenience makes me crack like pavement.
Since you’ve been gone,
I feel like I’ve been battling the days alone.
It feels wrong.
I’ve been talking to Erika more now.
It feels nice.
I think you would be proud.
I wonder what it’s like to hear Papa’s laugh again.
Or to see Uncle Teddy’s smile.
I bet Grammy makes you breakfast a lot.
I wonder how you’re feeling up there.
I hate that I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you.
I hate that we didn’t spend as much time together before you left.
I’m walking around feeling so guilty lately.
The days feel dark.
Life feels like one big,
Hazy storm.
I wonder why this happens so often.
I often feel like I am being punished,
And I don't know why.
I feel like I am being slapped in the face by the hand of God.
It's fine, really.
I know you aren't suffering.
I know you're probably the happiest you've ever been.
But did you see Nick's face?
Do you know how we are feeling?
There is something significant about the way you made others feel.
I can't help but think about your goofy laugh when I am missing you.
It feels like you are oceans away,
but in reality,
It is much, much farther than that.
I wake up every day with this weight on my chest.
The weight of feeling empty inside when I realize I won't see you this summer.
The weight of your alcoholic father.
The weight of seeing your little brother and thinking about his reaction when he first found out you were gone.
I wish I knew what this meant.
I don't even truly remember the last thing I said to you.
I think I sent you a ******* Bitmoji.
And I just think about how stupid that is.
I am so angry that you're not here with me.

On Sunday,
I drove to your house.
We sat in your bed,
And you kept asking me if I missed you over the weekend.
You asked me twice without even noticing.
I haven't talked to you since.
You see,
I want you to miss me this time.
I want you to check your phone every five minutes to see if I've called..texted.. sent a carrier pigeon.
You see,
I want to feel wanted.
Is that too much to ask?
You've been up walking holes in your shoes and I am unsure why.
I sometimes feel like I don't know how to speak to you.
I sometimes feel like I struggle to find the right words to say.
I hate that.
You just posted a photo on  your story.
You don't even notice that I have ignored your text.
You never said that you loved me today.
I feel like everything is so forced.
So I will allow myself to give you this space.
Sometimes, it pains me.
I've been spending a lot of time alone lately.
The beginning of the weeks seem to be hard for me.
Today, it's pouring.
And right now, I wish I was home.
In the comfort of my father's arms.
I've come to a realization that he is the only person that would never hurt me.

When I was younger,
I used to make fun of the people in the Depression commercials.
I thought, "Oh, just cheer up!'
I thought the people in those commercials were always so pathetic.
I never thought that as an adult,
I would be faced with the same  issues.
I never thought I would reach a day in my life,
where all I ever want to do is sleep.
I never thought that I would struggle to do small tasks.
I never imagined that I would have such a hard time leaving my bed every morning.
I never imagined that this ache in my chest would come back every time it snowed.
I used to love the snow,
but ever since my junior year of high school,
I reach this stage of nostalgia when the frost bites.
I literally have no idea how to help myself.
I feel so incredibly isolated.
Perhaps, it is the darkness that makes me so tired.
I want nothing more than to cuddle up in my comforter.
I want nothing more than evenings spent binge watching episode after episode.
Maybe it's the weather,
Or maybe it is me.
Maybe it is the situation that I am constantly finding myself in.
I feel like I can never please anyone.
I feel like I lose all sense of motivation.
I do not understand.
This time, it is different.
For I do not want to take my own life this season,
but I do not want to do anything with it.
I am drowning in homework.
I am drowning in confusion and doubt.
I don't even want to tell Henry what I am dealing with right now,
because he doesn't deserve it.
He doesn't deserve my constant complaints.
I just feel so empty inside.
How do I deal with this?
This ache comes back season, after winter season.
I cannot wrap my mind around it.
Why does this happen to me?
I am unsure of who I am supposed to turn to in these nights of need.
I feel as if I am lacking something,
or perhaps my brain lacks something during these cold months.
Perhaps it is my heart.

Weeks have gone by since we last spoke.
You're currently on the other side of the world right now, and I want so badly for you to just stay there.
My hometown is much better when you aren't here.
I can go to the store, to our favorite restaurant, past your work, and I don't even worry about you seeing me.
I find myself looking for your car in parking lots and on the freeway.
The "junk" sticker your friend strategically placed on your bumper, still burns in my head.
I look for the yellow 'w' on your mothers Honda.
I find myself doing this all the time.
While I'm at coffee with a friend.
Stuck behind green lights.
Daydreaming at work.
It's so strange.
I'm so scared to see you again.
I have this love love hate whatever feeling stuck in the pits of my stomach.
It's not as though I'm confused.
I knew what you were doing.
I guess I just have this urge to spite you, but not quite.
I made out with two boys in one day, so I just figured you should know that.
I want so badly for you to see me and for you to want me more than you ever have in your life.
I want to turn you down, until you are crumpled paper that I can set fire to.
It's crazy how sadness turns into anger in a matter of time.
Every single time I hear that song, part of me wants to cry,
But as a whole, i have no tears left in my being.
I wish you saw me when I was depressed.
I guess I wish you would have understood what you put me through.
I guess I wish you could read this.
Being without you feels good, but lonely at the same time.
I don't know..
I should have dumped you a long time ago
You still come up in daily conversations...
"Oh me and so and so used to do that..."
I think at some point that will go away..
I'm doing better now.
I hope it lasts.

It's one o'clock in the morning.
It's been a week since I last saw you.
I lie on my bed, thinking about the way you used to hold me.
It was as if you were holding a grudge...
I keep thinking about us,
Where our relationship cracked
And I can't figure out exactly where it started.
I can't help but think our relationship was never meant to be.
Like maybe, if I never met you again, I wouldn't be in this mess.
I think about how a week ago,
I was drowning in depression and taking too many pills.
I think about how much weight and sleep I lost.
I think about hiw you came over and dropped my stuff off and how I broke down in front of you..
I think about where I am right now...
I'm not great, but I'm not completely terrible.
It's a bit of an in between phase...
I wonder how long it will be like this..
I can't stop looking at your Facebook or Twitter.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that you're leaving and I truly won't be able to talk to you for awhile..
I think about how I just want you to **** Rebecca and come crawling back to me.
I want you get revenge..
I want you to wreck havoc.
I want you to miss me.
I want to move on sometimes.
Sometimes I think this relationship is too broken to fix, and sometimes I'm really determined to fix it to the best of my abilities..
I send you long messages
About this weight that's been on my heart and you don't even say anything.
I'm so confused.
Since the beginning of 2017, I've been so confused.
To be honest, I thought I made a mistake in saying "yes" when you asked me to be yours on December 31st..
I remember talking to my father about it in the kitchen for hours..
And then I fell in love with you..
Or maybe it's the fact that I fall in love with people who have no interest in being with me..
It's really ****** up, I know..
I can't stop thinking about you.
I hate that I can't bring myself to call you, because I know you won't answer and I promised I would give you your space...
I just wish you would tell me if you needed me to move on already, because I already know these two weeks won't change your heart..
I hate that I am allowing myself to wait for you.
I hate that we are in this mess.
I hate that I haven't felt your lips on mine in over a week..
I hate that I don't know how you're doing right now..
Or if you are already talking to somebody else..
I hate that I can't get you out of my mind or off of my chest.
I hate that you make me feel this way..

If he begs you to get back together with him and then breaks your heart,
He's not worth it.
If he tells you he'd sleep with your best friend,
He's not worth it.
If he brings up your past in which he was not involved in,
He's not worth it.
If he maked you want to douse your dreams in gasoline and strike the match against his cheek,
He's not worth it.
If he makes you feel like you are not a priority,
He's not worth it.
If he doesn't cry when you say goodbye for the last time,
He's not worth it.
If he doesn't let you call him late at night because this whole thing is killing you inside,
Then he's not worth it.
If he makes you want to take bottles and bottles of pills just to keep you from thinking about him,
Then he's not worth it.
He's not worth crying over day after day.
He's not worth the untouched food on your plate.
He's not worth those twenty pounds that you lost from lack of hunger.
He's not worth losing sleep over.
He's not worth beating myself up to death.
He's not worth the millions of missed calls you've sent him.
He's not worth the desperation in your voice when you beg him to stay.
He's not worth any of it.
You say you're confused and he doesn't give you closure.
He has all of your things in his house still,
And those things no longer hold value, because he's not worth the pain.
He's not worth the agony.
Talk to yourself in the mall, in the car, in your bed whenever you feel alone.
There are things you never got to say.
But talking to him at this point just makes things worse..
Block his number and all of his social media.
The thought of him ever wanting to come back to you after this will burn holes in your shoes.
He never really appreciated what you had to offer.
And trust me, I know it hurts.
But your friends will never have the right words to say.
Your family won't allow you to drive to his house in the middle of then night when you are broken and hell bent.
Romance, for me, so often ends in painstaking heart ache.
So you need to gather yourself.
Get up.
Brush your teeth.
Take a shower.
Eat a homecooked meal.
Go to work.
Start working out.
And get this boy off of your chest.
Scrub your self in the shower.
One day, you'll realize that this no longer hurts you anymore.
You've  done it before.
And you can do it again.

I guess it is me..
I guess I get ***
Confused with love
I guess that's my issue.
I guess it's me that has had this crippling anxiety
Every night I lay in bed thinking about him
I can't get the thought of what happened out of my head.
I can't stop thinking I will never be enough.
I can't stop thinking about how he told me,
He never wants to get married
And I think "What's the point anyways?"
I thought that was the whole point of us being together.
I mean.. it's my parents getting divorced, right?
His are happily married in this giant picture perfect home...
I ... I don't understand.
It's me that dies inside when he updates his profile picture to a photo of just him and not us.
He keeps saying "Oh, I forgot." "Oh, well.. my Instagram has our picture there."
But I am curious if there is another girl.
I wonder if that's why he is so distant.
I have these crazy mood swings.
It's just me putting all of this effort.
I sometimes think about opening the door of this fast moving vehicle
Called life
And just falling out
And smacking the cold, hard pavement one last time.
I hate that he makes me feel this way.
I hate that he makes me feel so powerless
So pathetic
I hate that I've fallen for him again
I hate myself, mostly.
I hate that I am lonely
Relationships are supposed to be a two way street, but lately it's been me driving one way there and one way back.
He tells me his street is under construction...
I find it hard to believe
I watched 13 Reasons Why all in one night
And I thought about how the people around her were so broken
And I sometimes have this fear that if I do fall out of this fast moving vehicle
No one will care when I am gone.
I wonder if he will even care
I can't handle putting all of my love into someone and getting nothing in return
I think about how much everything hurts
I think about the way I feel at 3 am
I don't understand why this is my life
I don't understand why everything is so ****** up in my life all of the time
I guess when you get back together with someone, the past doesn't really go away
He said " You turned into the person I used to be"
And I am still trying to figure out what that means....

My roommate doesn't know this,
But every Thursday night when she leaves for class,
I cradle myself into this ball of depression.
I think how much of a failure I am.
I think about how worthless I have been feeling lately.
It's like no matter how much I try, I always end up messing up.
I feel exhausted.
It makes me think back to junior year, when I wanted nothing more than to suffocate my emotions under decorated pillows.

Red Beard returns
My heart races when I approach him
He takes his ear buds and slides them out from under his shirt
I want to slide my hands underneath and feel the heat from his body
But I restrain..
At least for a little while
He helps me into my bed
And together we lie there
He plays with my hair and turn on Hocus Pocus
It feels like the best fall night I've ever had
It starts to storm outside
But we are tucked away into the comfort of my own bed
He kisses the too of my head
And my nose
And my cheeks
My body feels warm and tingly
He pokes fun at me
But kisses me afterwards to make up for it
And i love it
I love the way he teases me
He pulls me close
Whispers something along the lines of wishing he could be even closer
I am romantically involved in the way i fit so perfectly beside him
I push my fingers onto his skin so lightly
He says he likes it
I lift his shirt up and trace circles down his back
We lay like that for a while
I wonder what it would be like to get used to this
And suddenly i want it
The movie ends
We lay there a bit longer
And then he asks me about music
We then spend the next hour downloading his favorite songs
He sings along and dances ridiculously
And i cannot get enough of him
We talk about childhood memories
And when i think he's about to leave,
He walks back over and kisses me slowly
Red Beard gets me to walk him out
And at the top of the stairwell, he kisses me again
I am so filled with excitement and joy
I hope it lasts
I hope it's always him

I am coming to this conclusion about myself.
It's like, ever since you left, I've lost my ability to love.
Maybe it is because I am drained of love.
Boyfriend number 2 comes along and originally, I feel in love.
I feel happy.
But I soon find things I dislike.
I soon find myself crying over the things he says.
I dump him sobbing.
The next day, I am restored.
New shiny porcelain.
I begin dating.
Date contestant one:
Everything seems to be going great, except for well... the fact that he's shorter than me..
We talk music
We kiss in his apartment
I am groped without permission and I lose all control.
What happened to CONSENT?
Repulsed, I leave.
Date contestant two:
Red Beard.
He is swift and stout,
runs circles over the backs of my arms
I don't know what love is, but maybe if I knew I could love him
He reminds me of you, but harder
Doesn't text back
Likes to play hard to get
And that's ****, you know?
Except for the fact that it's not.
I am dying to get at his every move.. his angle.
My heart races when I think about him... and what?
I barely know him...
The time spent kissing could have been spent with the air
and words
and connections
He grabs me too,
without consent
but it's somewhat... OKAY?
Like he's not super clingy, right?
He tells me he has had a nice time
And that hey lets hang out again.
Of course I agree.
Red Beard is a god send, right?
Date contestant 3
He arrives late
Is distant originally
I like that.
But then he kisses me and I hate it
He's clingy
He tells me way too much
Um, a girl with a baby??
No thanks
He never went to school
I want out
He doesn't get the hint.
I will probably never talk to him again
I am regretting life
I want Red Beard or you
GIVE ME SOMEONE FAMILIAR
I just can't stand sitting in my empty room and wondering
What. Went. Wrong?
I am so relieved when they leave
I am cold and I don't know if I just haven't met the right person...
Or if maybe... I lost my ability to love, because you drank it all straight from the stream.

How can he just come in here and touch me like that
And then never touch me again?

Today I met the guy with the red beard
I saw him standing in the downstairs coffee shop
We talked for a few moments before heading up to my room
We were watching films
And my head spun in circles when he traced the backs of my palms
Over
And over
And over again
We made small conversation about similar friends
And sports we'd played in high school
His eyes were bright green
And oh how i fell in love with those eyes
He cradled my body against his
As he rubbed my back with pride
Kissed the top of my head and my dimples
Oh my dimples
He called me the holy trinity
His hands lingered to the back of my neck and suddenly i was his
Our lips touched
The whiskers of his beard tickling my mouth softly
I pull on the edges of his shirt
He smiles
I smile back
I felt a spark I'd never felt before
I couldn't stop smiling
I wish i could press the rewind button
He whispered sweet nothings into my ears
As I slowly drifted off
He was a dream
He was supposed to leave an hour ago,  but he just left
And for some reason
When i close the door after he leaves
I crawl back to my bed with an emptiness I haven't felt in a long time
Questions raise
Will he text me?
Why is he being so short with me?
Is this sarcasm?
Am i the only one?
Will i ever see him again?
Does he like me?
Suddenly,  I don't want to be the only one.
I want to be thee one..
I haven't felt a passion for someone like that in what sees like an eternity
I think red beard
Will
****
Me
Up
Again

9 o'clock
Together we lay in your bed
I watch as the sun leaks through your blinds
Giving the room a sort of familiar feeling
Its summer
We spend long nights together
I don't leave until midnight
You say you love me three times without even realizing
I drive over again
Effort has shifted to me
I put it in daily, as I watch you slowly step backwards
We get into our first fight, which leads to many.... Many..more...
The way you say my name almost sounds like a cry for help
Maybe its me
Maybe I'm the one who is bad at relationships
Maybe I'm the toxic one...

I walked outside today
And noticed the warm sun on my skin
Crossing our school parking lot
I look around and wonder if I'll miss spring days here
I get a sense of nostalgia for rainy days spent kicking a ball around in the mud
With an army of friends I thought I'd have for a lifetime
It's strange
To think this time last year
We were fogging up windows in your car
Talking about our plans for the future
And within all of this
I feel so free
I breathe in the cool air and close my eyes
I open the windows and sleep with the crickets quiet chirping
I feel at home..

Boy of 19,
Don't you know what you're doing?
You're opening a can of worms.
This can hasn't been opened since 2015.
The dust collects on the lid,
And the dented aluminum screams for mercy.
College boy,
Don't you know what you're doing?
You're pressing your words onto my skin.
Your voice reaches my ears through waves in the atmosphere.
Boy,
Don't you know what you're doing?
You solve rubixs cube as if you were trying to figure out the answer to why she asked you to come over for Thanksgiving dinner.
Don't you know what you're doing?
................................
(To be continued)

I'm staring up at the ceiling as if it were something interesting...
As if..
I haven't scanned ever corner of this white textured paint.
I wonder
If you've checked your voicemail since October
Or how I ended up in this bed,
Grasping this quilt as if my life depends on it.
The corners of my eyes have gained bursted blood vessels
I wonder
If you feel like this.
Like the space between our hands haven't healed since the beginning of time..

How dare you
Bring up the past and try to push your weary disappointment onto my skin.

I'm like the wrong answer to the problem that you've never fully erased ..

I have a name
One of those names you leave on welcome mats, but don't leave a key under because you're afraid of letting someone in.
Its easy to dust your feet off on me.
You do so everytime you leave this half empty house
I'm easy to leave
You don't think twice about making sure  the door is locked
You don't linger on the porch steps near my name
If the house was on fire, I'd be the very last thing you'd save.
You don't bring me inside in the winter
I'm a placeholder
I keep the dirt from reaching  your crippled frames.
I'm not a necessity.
I mean, how many people have welcome matts anymore?
I have a name.
But it doesn't bring joy to your home.
I'm not a welcome mat.
I am a mat of despair and anguish.
"Yes, please enter our lovely home! I've died here more times than you can count on your temperate fingertips!"
I do not feel like home
I do not soothe you on cold rainy days, but rather sit in the damp haze of depression.
I am not your welcome mat.

In 8th grade
We had a long absence due to the misguidance of friends
Because of jealousy
At the end of the year,
We slowly began to talk once more
You explained the terrors of your parents divorce
Leaving out the big details
We weren't close yet
Freshman year
I spent long evenings at your house
And ate dinner with your religious family
The summers we spent laughing until the early hours of dawn
You spoke more about your father
You explained the significance of the night he spat in your face
Exclaiming his hatred for you
This broke you down to nothing but crushed pieces of a human
In the second term of sophomore year
You didn't come to school
Teachers asked where you were and I tried to make it subtle
You missed over three months that year
Junior year
Your absences racked up
You missed school for "surgery excuses"
You couldn't put your shoes on
You lost clothing items
Senior year
You were home schooled
I was forced to walk idly around the school like a hopeless ghost
Wishing for the friendship you and I had
Wishing for someone who cares
That's your favorite
You dont care about anything
You're selfish
You have no goals set up for yourself at the end of the tunnel
Your long distance relationship came to an end because you lost feelings
But I've been missing my first love since march and you've been telling me to just
"Forget about it"
Its not that easy, you say it is.
You are defensive
You're excuse is the depression
You want to up the dose of your medication
You know, sometimes people say you need to just get over your depression
That's equivalent to saying "HEY! YOUR EMOTIONS ARENT VALID",
Which is exactly what you did to me
I'm not trying to degrade your depression
I've been there
But you've placed yourself in the bottom of the pits for three years
And no one can help you anymore
Its up to YOU to pull yourself out
Stop depending on temporary people to breach your armor of happiness
It never works
Ive been there
Take care of yourself
Take a shower
Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Look in the mirror
Tell me if you love the person who looks back at you
I dont think you do..

I want you to love me this morning
I want you to replace the clothes on hangers in my closet
I wish you'd come back and remember me like it was winter.
I know that I haven't written about you since the summer
And that it was supposed to be the last and angry love letter
But the velocity of strokes in which my pen creates always circles back and I find myself etching your initials into my skin.
When I was younger, I promised myself I'd never cry over any boy.
The tomboyish version of my younger self always thought sobbing over boys was a pathetic act of desperation, accomplishing nothing but sopping sleeves and swollen eyes.
It wasn't until you left months ago, that I realized, the tears that streaked down my face were cleansing my body from everything you've ever touched.
I have scrubbed my skin in the shower trying to get your name off of my chest.
I have rinsed and repeated more times than you can count on your slender fingers;  that always used to ache whenever I held them for too long.
Sometimes, people stop and ask me how long it's been since you last loved me.
I tell them I was never truly yours
But I would still sit on your bookshelf and collect dust with the poetry I wrote you,
If that's what you wanted, but I know you'd always cover me with coffee stains and cigarette butts
I know it's wrong
But I can help the anger from seeping out through the bottom of my pen
I hope one day, you feel comfortable enough to love someone
Without making them bleed
I hope one day, you give up manipulation
And running red lights
I hope you realize this is the last of the last
And I hope god begins to paint pictures of me laughing with my head tilted back and the smile broadening on my face when I learn how to let people in
I hope they jump with me.
I hope it's you.

No one gives a **** about your graduation party
Or the fact that you ******* invited everyone except for me
No one ******* thinks it's cool that you talk **** about every ******* person you speak to
No one thinks you're a bad *** for leading girls on into their depths of sorrow and shame
No one ******* likes the fact that you are voicing rude comments and being a greedy selfish ****. Or that you pretend suicide is an option to receive attention from people who aren't even friends with you, but dont know what to do with the fake blood on their hands
No one ******* thinks its cool that you cheated on someone with thousands of girls at the same time and led them on to continue undoing their pants in the back of your car
No ******* thinks its cool that you potray yourself as someone you aren't and wish people you hate "happy birthday"
No one thinks you should be with that guy, because he's a whiny ***** who acts just like his ******* friends
No gives a **** that I blocked your "Meninist" ***.
No one thinks you are ******* cool for throwing a party in someone else's house.
No one gives a **** that you correct everyone's grammatical errors. IT'S A ******* MISTAKE. GET OVER IT.
No one cares that your problems contain pity little things, when there are people truly struggling.
No one ******* likes the fact that you have been cheating on the same man for years, and continue to mooch off of him
No one thinks its cool that your moods are a switch and that you backhand the mouths of your children for trying to help.
No one ******* cares that your daughter is trying to copy everyone and become an "aspiring model."
No one gives a **** that she also tries to one up everyone in her ******* path.
No one thinks you are too **** cool for getting high every night.
No one thinks its cool that you have to flirt with every single guy in your sight and then act like a hypocrite.

NO ONE ******* CARES.

I feel rage inside of my chest
Like the air is aggressively trying to escape my lungs
As if they just got into a fight with the walls again
My knuckles are strawberry red and glistening like the ghosts of our past
I am constantly reopening battle wounds that should not have even been touched since he went away.
I grow tired each and every morning by pathetic prayers of you returning or for just once someone to show up on my doorstep and not be like you
To not... Lead me through meadows and babbling brooks
Only to tell me that there are piranhas in the water
I want so badly to be held
Like how my grandmother carefully holds knitting needles as she works away
I want to be missed like forgotten swing sets miss the laughter of tiny children, who have grown too big and no longer visit
I want to stop be so ******* different from everyone else
Maybe if I start acting like everyone else
If maybe I can grow out my hair and wear the same brand on my jeans as everyone else,
Maybe I can fit it.
I keep telling myself  "you are you, and who ******* cares if people are different. Who ******* cares if people don't like you voicing your opinions. Who ******* cares about anything small and superficial. WHO ******* CARES ABOUT THAT STUPID BOY THAT PUSHED YOUR SELF ESTEEM TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SOCK DRAWER?"
I should stop reading poetry at night to people who toss the words in the trash.
I should stop reading poetry to boys who try to pretend they are into me only to **** me over.
I am so angry and this is so ******.
So goodnight.

I often think back to the times before school
Times when I was 3
When my mother would stand in the rain with my big brother
Rain boots and umbrellas keeping them dry
I remember getting scared of the thunder and I'd wake up in a panic, because she wasn't next to me.
She always came back inside,
Tossed a movie into the VCR
And stroked my hair
Promising me it was just God bowling
Celebrating the new angels he's welcomed home
She always mentioned that he was sorry for being so loud, but couldn't contain his excitement.

Now I'm almost finished with school
And it's never phased me, when I dont wake up to her
I don't wake up to her at all
She left.
And I dont think much of the thunderstorms anymore
Its just rain
And I just feel empty and anxious
Petrichor always arrives at my door step
Welcome home petrichor...
Maybe I'll throw a bowling party for you since my mother won't return...

I love you
You keep saying this to me
Expecting me to start undoing my bottoms
But that picture of you and her has been burned into my memory
You act like you two are just friends
But you are also a liar
Tell my wrists you love me
You are the guilter
Love to make others endure your pain, rather than dealing with things that are actually your fault
A table turner
Youve put yourself inside more than 20 bodies
I'm sick
I'm sick to my stomach
My tears stain my face like window pane glass catches rain
You tell her I'm crazy behind my back
That I'm JEALOUS
I want to claw your eyes out with rusty swords
I want to cut your tongue out of your mouth with a saw
To stain white carpets with your blood and not my own this time
I want to put your head on a spear and throw it down into the deep depths of the ******* ocean
I will show you ******* crazy
I want to rip your fingernails off one by one with a pair of tweezers
I want to shave your hideous eyebrows off your face
I want to cut off chunks of your hair with a swiss army knife and then bleach it
I want to gouge your eyeballs out with toothpicks and feed the remains to the piranhas
I want to pull all of the muscle out of your body and leave it for the ******* flames
Don't call me baby
I want to wax all of the legs hair off you
I want you to fall in love with someone
And then make you watch videos tapes of them cheating on you
Over and over and over
Until your eyes are a blood shot mess
Dont ask for forgiveness
You will never receive it
You are the devil reincarnated
I swear
I wouldn't be surprised if you were Satan's spawn
I hate you
I hate you like
The way my grandfather hates hypocrisy and things all against the bible
I hate you
The way my grandmother hates disorganization
I hate you
Like the way my mind hates my body
I want to wrap myself in a cocoon and never return until youre gone
My body misses sleep so much
But yet, here you sleep perfectly and j wish I could wrap my arms into your conscious and turn the switch back on
Why won't you change
I have never met anyone so disgusting
My chest physically aches when I heave for air
Because you've been sitting on my heart like a dagger
You're wounding to everyone around you
I am so sick of your voice
Hell I'm sick of my own
I just, can't figure out how one person can make you so sad.
I hate everything
But especially you.
Mostly you.

Alcohol
It can stain your lips red
Or leave your mouth with a certain taste or smell
Alcohol
You used it to forget
It eased your numbness
A raging alcoholic
Darling, why are you screaming???
The alcohol was enough to change you
One minute your fists are clenching the steering wheel
Knuckles white
The next you are swerving
And listening to elevator music
You laugh hysterically as you toss empty bottles out of your window
A raging alcoholic
You send me texts late at night
And call me crying at 4 a.m.
You can't drink on an empty stomach
And you've got it down to a science when it comes to sobering up for football in the morning
Your eyes are this hazy red
I can't remember if it's from the alcohol or your allergies, because you haven't taken your medicine in three months
I saw you as a broken jigsaw puzzle
Just waiting to be pieced back together
And you looked so cold
So lifeless
Your body is ivory white
Your lips feel like Alaska biting down on my neck with frostbite
I miss when you used to be happy
Truly, utterly happy.
The radio in your car hums slowly as the lights of the freeway ignite your face
Your vision is more blurry
Than when the doctor asks you
One or two
Your father yells at you when you come in from coming in so late
I am sorry
Sometimes I forget that you are someone else's son and they worry about you
Speaking of parents
You aren't the only one to possess alcoholism
My mother
A woman in her fourties has been elongated to this deadly desire since she was a teenager
I don't have my license yet
But she always makes sure to have a ****** Mary when we are out to eat
I happen to think it's because of me
Maybe she can't stand my company.
She has to poison her blood stream to be able to sit still when it becomes silent
The pearls on her neck glisten like the haze of her eyes
She seems far away.
It was the alcohol that caused the break up of our family
A man who turned to god and farming is still married to a teenage partier.
Maybe this is why my father hid all of the wine glasses in the house.
Her son
Has also turned to this deadly conundrum
He used to drink over four times the legal limit
"I know how to hold my liquor"
He'd say under slurred tongues
He was a natural
Relied on drugs and alcohol to soothe his depression
He got pulled over when he was 16 for drunk driving
And my father picked him up with shaky hands
A dissapoinment, he thought
He fell down a flight of stairs in an abandoned building
Broke his nose and laid in a pool of water until his friends found him
A lesson learned, you'd assume
We all work on it differently
The sadness, that is.
I mean
I write
But my neighbors drink themselves to sleep
An accident waiting to happen
When they choke on their own *****
I don't want to plan all of these funerals
I love you
Give it up

I just want to get drunk,
But maybe I already am..

This is an open letter to anyone who feels the need to share their poetry with me
This is an open letter for anyone who wants to bury their face in an endless succession of books with me
This is an open letter to anyone who will listen to records with me at 2 A.M.
Someone who will buy me coffee with a bit of sugar, but more creamer
This is an open letter to anyone who wants to watch the cars go by with me
Someone who will warm up my heart with cups of soup and soft blankets
This is an open letter to anyone who has the audacity to love me for myself
Someone who will not shout and hold my wrists down when I cut my hair too short
This is an open letter to the adventures, the game changers.
I need truthfulness.
I need laughter.
I need someone to fill up the empty cracks in the delves of my palms.
I want silly candids in the city.
I crave long nights spent driving around, staring at flashing streetlights on an abandoned road.
I want postcards sent from everywhere you've ever stopped and missed the tone of my voice and my unsettling hands.
An open letter to those who collect seashells, like a ******* addiction.
To those who love thunderstorms as much as I do, and would much rather hide in the rain than bask in the sun.
Rain is for us, you know.
To those who will dazzle me with their immense vocabulary.
Those who will capture my attention like sharp swords catch the edge of fabric on your right shoulder.
Those who want to stay up until the sun peaks up from behind the tall mountains and wraps words around my skin in the early hours of dawn.
The ones who whisper sweet nothings on the phone with me until I drift off to sleep
An invitation to those who kiss with their eyes closed and imagine the days and nights passing between our lips.
To those who believe lightning is just God taking pictures of us, he wants to see how you're doing.
This is an open letter to those who live to write and write to live.
To those who thrive on the emotions behind paintings and live to see their fingers swell.
This is an invite to anyone who isn't afraid to become messy with me
To dance in our underwear while we paint fresh daisies on the apartment walls
To those who aren't afraid to eat Popsicles with me on the kitchen floor.
To those who help me find endings in places I need to place a period.
This is an open invite to anyone who is willing to light off fireworks with me on the courthouse lawn.
A careful boy with thick brown hair
And sea green eyes
Freckles and thick framed glasses
A boy who isn't afraid to get his hands *****
A nightowl
A poet
He carries a brief case around and calls me darling.
His favorite thing is big spoon
And his inspirations come from me
He's never lied to me once
He doesn't like sports, but sometimes he can go for a game of soccer
He always takes photos of me when I'm not looking and he collects them like the way he collects metaphors
He wants to be wanted as much as I do
And he looks for me too
I love you
I hope to meet you soon

I think I'm still depressed.
I have trouble leaving my bed anymore.
It's a miracle if I wake up before 3 in the afternoon.
I like to talk to you on the phone so late, so maybe that's part of the problem.
I've never laid eyes on something so broken.
Sometimes, I listen to her poetry at night and I cry, because her voice reminds me of you and how we used to play it through out your stereo.
I always knew all the words.
You were always seemingly impressed.
I don't want to tell anybody about the sadness, because I am afraid of going back to that place.
I always think about Craig.
I think about how his chest heaves, because he's never experienced love.
Then again, it was love that broke me.
We are walking contradictions.
Both sad of lost love or too small proportions.
All I want to do is let my blankets envelope me in my coldness.
I want to think about the words you left on my lips.
You get so angry when I repeat
You cheated. You cheated. You ******* cheated.
And you say you feel so bad about it, but that's thing with people like you.
They never change and they leave people like me like glass in the bottom of feet.
We are paralyzed.
You say you want to go to sleep, but I just want you to sing me lullabies and read me poetry.
I have never been good enough to hear words of your ignition.
Your own mind.
You take pieces from TV shows and old movies.
You never let your pen write from your own mind.
I found your book, but I didn't buy it because every time I try to read a page I think
"HIM. HIM. THIS STORY IS WRITTEN WITH HIS HANDS"
You take away from stories and cloud my memory, so forgive me for not doing my homework last night
He wrote his name on my book when we went out to dinner.
He drew smiley faces all over it, but lashed out at me when I did it to his.
I used to shake when we would talk on the phone
And you will never understand how many tines I have choked back tears.
Remember February?
I cried myself to sleep every single night.
I distorted my habits, body, and mind to fit yours.
You laughed at me.
I wish my walls could speak to yours.
Mine would explain the darkness in the room
And yours would explain her pleasured moans.
I haven't left my bed in days.

He's got these hazel blue eyes that I like to look in sometimes
His hands are much bigger than mine, and I've always felt so small compared to him.
He's hurt me again
And again
And again
But lately we find reason to come back together like opposite ends of magnets
The ones you stick on refrigerators
The really strong ones
That's us
He let's me call him and talk his ear off until 3 in the morning, because he knows that I get lonely at night
We always fight
I tell him to *******
And he swears at me too
I ask him why the **** he cheated on me
And he tells me he's such a **** up and I can hear the cracking of voice
It reminds me of the summers spent around the fire and the woods catching
He asks me about the other guy
"Have you kissed him"
"Do you like him?"
"Does he feel like home?"
I say no to most of the questions
He says how do you feel about me?
I reply with I dont know
He says I'm tired of I dont know
And I say I'm tired of your **** up excuse
It gets quiet and I remember nights like these
I tell my friends I hate him
I tell my family I loathe him
But when its 3 a.m. and the only thing between us is air and coded particles I can't help but want to kiss him
He was always good at that
From lots of practice I reckon
I don't tell him I'm going to be with another boy tomorrow
He never told me about the other girls
I can't help it
I loved him so much but I can't figure out if I'm just lonely or I actually miss him
I say I'm confused
He says
I know I know I know
I read him poetry
He starts falling asleep
And I get off the phone whispering I love you in different tones.
I wonder if he heard me
There's a part of me that hopes not.

He's got these hazel blue eyes that I like to look in sometimes
His hands are much bigger than mine, and I've always felt so small compared to him.
He's hurt me again
And again
And again
But lately we find reason to come back together like opposite ends of magnets
The ones you stick on refrigerators
The really strong ones
That's us
He let's me call him and talk his ear off until 3 in the morning, because he knows that I get lonely at night
We always fight
I tell him to *******
And he swears at me too
I ask him why the **** he cheated on me
And he tells me he's such a **** up and I can hear the cracking of voice
It reminds me of the summers spent around the fire and the woods catching
He asks me about the other guy
"Have you kissed him"
"Do you like him?"
"Does he feel like home?"
I say no to most of the questions
He says how do you feel about me?
I reply with I dont know
He says I'm tired of I dont know
And I say I'm tired of your **** up excuse
It gets quiet and I remember nights like these
I tell my friends I hate him
I tell my family I loathe him
But when its 3 a.m. and the only thing between us is air and coded particles I can't help but want to kiss him
He was always good at that
From lots of practice I reckon
I don't tell him I'm going to be with another boy tomorrow
He never told me about the other girls
I can't help it
I loved him so much but I can't figure out if I'm just lonely or I actually miss him
I say I'm confused
He says
I know I know I know
I read him poetry
He starts falling asleep
And I get off the phone whispering I love you in different tones.
I wonder if he heard me
There's a part of me that hopes not.

You're in love with me
But I'm in love with him
And he's in love with her
I am torn.
He kisses my cheeks when she is not around
The bouquet of compliments grows
He wraps his arms around me tight
Explaining how happy he is that I came tonight

Confusion
It settles over me
Not like cherry blossom petals on a still lake
But more like how lighting strikes tall figures lying between the atmosphere and the relentless floor, trying to stand its ground
He tells me I'm more beautiful than all of the sunsets and sunrises
Clearly, his blue eyes have never seen the beginning of autumn.
He asks me to come over
He wants to spoil me and give me treats
I'm not a dog, darling.
He wants to kiss the indents in my cheeks
Smother me with affection, I think.
But then I remember her.
I wonder if she's well, if they are collectively well.
Clearly, something is missing from her.
She is so dainty and careful, and I don't even know her.
I know she must swim with her head above the water, but I am guessing soon she will drown.
Her wits are more than a series of books, however, she's clueless.
She may have a perfect complexion.
She may be unique, with an ethnicity I'd never be able to own
She may, speak swiftly of her problems, instead of shoving them to the bottom of the ocean
Which of course is something I've always been guilty of
So
Why is it that he runs to me at night with a bouquet of complimentary thoughts???
Why is it that he reads me his poetry at midnight?
"You're so easy to talk to." He says.
Maybe everyone is looking into the doll house and seeing two perfect figures and small acts of kindness, affection.
But when the lights go out, things get ugly.
Back to confusion
He says he loved her, but he always comes running to me
Mixed emotions
I'd tell you I love you in a heartbeat, if it meant you'd never leave me stranded,
Waist high in sand with blood dripping from my forehead
You know that's how he left me, so I can only hope you understand.
What are you doing with a girl who no longer satisfies your needs?
Why is it that love always becomes more complicated, rather becoming silk?
I'm praying someone will answer my questions before I become Ophelia.

I want more.
You know, I wish I wasn't so stupid.
I slipped through fingers telling everyone he was so right for me, but I was wrong.
I fell asleep to the roar of a fan on high and realized that's all I've wanted to be.
I just woke up to my phone going off in all directions.
I don't know if I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel begging me to come home.
I'm getting nervous and fidgety.
My hands never stop shaking when I think of his voice or his fingertips that were once laced with mine.
 The same fingertips that are now tracing the backs of her neck and carving out her rib cage and I'm sure she laughs.
I'm so hungry for a love I've never belonged to.
I'm so hungry for a love who's hands I was not privileged long enough to know.  
The dreams stop, but sometimes I find myself telling a stranger about the ways he's hurt me.
I once had a dream about a prince who told me he'd basically kick his ***, because I was too beautiful to see broken.
That's the happiest dream I've had since he's been away.
I find myself whispering into my pillows about finding someone who puts me first for once.
Someone, who came to my home when I was upset, just because they knew I needed that.
Someone who sang along to all of my music and not just the songs that they liked, because they knew it made me smile like I used to in warm afternoons when the sun was dancing across my skin.
The days when the sun said "hello," so cheerfully.
Now the sun sits, burning delicate letters of your name into my skin and making me out to be some part of your property.
It feels like the burning of holy water on goblins, and witches.
I wonder how the tip of his tongue feels in her mouth.
I remember how euphoric that used to feel. Sometimes I think if I wasn't so poetic I wouldn't have scared him away.

I saw a boy in the hallway yesterday
He reminded me of you
And not in his looks or his walk
But in what he was
And I swear to god, I've never felt my heart sink to my stomach so quickly
A flash back played like a movie reel in my head
I never realized where I was standing
So close to his face I could touch it with my bare hands
I stood in shock
I stood in awe
And those boys never look at me when I walk past them in the hallways
Ive resorted to eating in the library
At least, I'm thinking he won't gain my thoughts there
If I had a penny for my thoughts I'd be rich
They contain you
And your callused hands
The way the tip of your tongue hit your mouth when you spoke to your mother
How does one get over a broken heart
I am restraining myself
In order to keep sanity
But how the hell are we supposed to keep sanity when the art museum brings me to tears now
Its not a place of beauty and inspiration
But rather a place of broken down memories
A place of haiku's and lost hand holding
Peaking around the corners of the heavy gold frames
Maybe we were always a painting
Everyone had their own opinion on us
Few saw us as "art"
Maybe, the background didn't really bring out the light in your eyes
But mine were a full on fire
Art.
Maybe the brush strokes of your cheekbones were too sharp
Everyone thought the painting was too depressing
A girl, who's hands were melting down her wrists were interlaced with yours
Me at the other side
Can you imagine it?
Can you imagine what is was like to be so blinded by love you never noticed the deep tree rings of age you left over my core
I can't go back to that museum for awhile
The ceiling of the entry way reminds me of you
And how we used to talk about sneaking in and looking up at it like its something interesting
My darling
My past lover
Promise me you'll never take her to the art museum
That place was ours
And I can't stand you taking that away from me too....

I read someone else one of my poems today
And it was a strange thing
I read quicker than I used
I stuttered a bit
Its funny
With you, everything was smooth sailing
The wind never blew
I never came to the waves crashing upon rocky water
I didn't get a round of applause at the end, but instead a gaping mouth
Speechlessness.
You always knew the right things to say after I read you my poems

I wish I could leave you a voicemail
But you have me blocked
I wish I could send you a message
But again you have me blocked
I'd send you a letter
I'd send you a ******* carrier pigeon
Just to get a response
I miss your handwriting
Hell, I miss your hands
And the veins you had on your left arm
Seemingly protruding and beautiful
My friends make fun of your looks to make me laugh
... But to be honest, I'm still in love with how place your hands on the counter and lean in a little closer when you're talking
I remember the way your tongue touched the roof of your mouth
And the squareness of your teeth
And the way a lisp came out sometimes, but it was always so faint no one could really hear it, unless they listened close enough
These were the times when you couldn't even hear the leaves rustle.
You have a bad reputation
But hell, I was willing to love you through it
That poor girl
She knows what she's gotten herself into
But she's too in love to dig herself out
Yeah, try killing yourself
Run to him with a blood stained dress
Shout into the void
Scream "help me!! Help me, baby!"
But he'll stand there and laugh
Shoving his hands into his pocket
And then he turns on his heal and walks away as if you didn't just have a heart attack
As if this wasnt his fault
He's like a car crash
He's like being thrown out through a car window and flying until you hit the hard, cold earth
And you were flying
But now you are falling
And you're gonna hit the pavement
Sweetheart he's going to leave you
He's the drunk driver
He's the one who's afraid of being caught by the police
And that's just a metaphor for the girls hes ******
Darling you are more
You are more than a petty side dish
He has a whole feast, sweetheart
You aren't the main entre
Now someone's stabbed you with their fork of truth and it's not him
The truth hurts, doesn't it, baby?

I used to run my hands along your sides
Tracing your rib cage
Placing my fingertips along the hard contours of your chest
And you used to get chills
I drove you crazy
But I'm smiling
Because at least I remember one time I made you feel at home

I woke up at 3 am last night
Due to dreaming fits about you
And I guess some things never change
And I suppose my heart is still aching from the last stitch taken out
My chest cavity is caving in because
You never allowed me to heal
You never, gave me time to evaluate everything
You just said it was over
And maybe that's why I still dream about your taunting, red lips
Or your god like body
Or your finger tips tracing the backs of my palms
I know I've said it a million times
But there's a small part of me, deep with in all the vines and leaves,
Underneath the damp sand
Where a small voice is shouting out my love for you.
My apologetic ways have become prayers to an unknown figure
And I liked that we used to have that in common..

I know I've compared your body
To the ocean and tall mountains
So rigid and structured
And I have compared your hands
To many others beings of the earth
But let's talk about your name
It starts with "J"
And no
You are not a Jeff
I clap twice at your name
Two syllables
But not many know your true name
Not many at all
Your name is something  I can not forget
It rolls off my tongue
When I am least expecting it
And I suppose my preconscious
Liked to think of you
I accidentally say your name daily now, I do.
I clap twice
Your name is something whispered in sleep
Your name is something I screamed on the bathroom floor
A blood curdling scream
Your name is trying to leave my mouth
But it fits so comfortable there
Your name does not want to leave
Your name made a home out the gaping hole in my face
Two syllables or one
You could go either way
I find myself slipping
I wonder
Have you called her the wrong name yet?
I always knew you were being serious when you called me by own
And so I am just wondering,
Has my name cursed the tip of your tongue with a bitter taste?
I think you were used to being good at the name game
I mean, look at all of the women standing in your front yard
They never knew which direction the sky was
And I am one of the few that'd been saved
I clap twice
I'm wondering how long it will take.
When will I finally give up trying to make a home out of the bone white afternoon
Your name causes trouble
Leads me to slapped wrists and cuts along the frayed edges of my skirt
Rulers dripping with a red textured tint
And no it was never paint from my art set
Your name is poison
Your name is alcohol
I'm gulping your name down
To keep myself from becoming love sick
It used to taste so sweet
Radiated smiles
But every time I bring up your name
I get sympathetic looks
I receive
"Oh, sweetheart. He's not worth it.."
But you were.
I guess comparing your body to the planets and constellations was never enough
And it had always been your name leaving me..

I know I said I can't remember the day you left
But I think it's been two or three weeks now..

On December 21, 2012
The world was supposed to end
Obviously we are still rolling in motion
And most of us are okay
Fast forward two years
On December 21, 2014
You finally kissed me in the midst of a crowded complex
And I was just thinking about how it was a coincidence that a few years back,
The world was supposed to end
But when you fast forward,
My world had just begun
On December 4th, 2014
I let go of someone else,
So that way I could truly be yours forever
We could finally start off right
I can remember that, clear as day.
We went on and I can remember when you first told me long stories about how your parents went from nothing
To successful
How you held my hand tight
But knew I liked you to hold me a certain way
And kissed me when I least expected it
How you always complimented me on the way I looked
But after awhile
I looked down at my hands
And I noticed the blood dripping down my wrists
And you'd secretly been stabbing me
While you ****** her
I noticed how angry you were with me
And I couldn't stop the sadness
I apologized for you being angry with me
I apologized for you ******* the life out of her
I apologized when I finally broke it off with you after coming home from the hospital
I didn't want you to leave
But I suppose it's better to leave the ones
That make you feel so empty inside
Like they've taken something out of your bones every time
And they won't return it, in the way you won't return the records I bought you.
I can't remember much of what happened that day
I'm good with dates, I swear.
I can name off the day we first kissed, the day of our first date, the first time I met your father.
I can remember your birthday, our anniversary, the first time you took me to that art museum
But I cannot remember the day I let you go
It's.. Like Ive blocked it out of my memory
I thought you'd come back
I thought you'd say,
"Baby, please. Let me fix it."
But you didn't.
And that's all I can say I really remember..
Well that and some of your words
That did more than just bruising my skin
The words you used to cause
Dents
And punctures
And words so sharp it took my entire flesh off the bone
I remember those
Like,
"You say I am selfish, but you are the one wanting to commit suicide."
And I am pretty sure I apologized for that too
Because it was something I always said to keep you from leaving..
That's wrong isn't it?
My apologies became as sweet as honey
They always danced off my tongue
And you were a bee,
Collecting it
Absorbing it
And taking it back home
But instead of putting it to use
You abused me with it
Kept doing the same **** things
I only made up excuses for you
When my friends asked where you were when he passed away
I said I'm sorry
This is something I said later when I was crying over him and sad that there was nothing I could do to stop my grieving.
I apologized
When you couldn't make it to the funeral
My god
You didn't even make it to my own
Because I had been dying inside the whole time
I said I am sorry
The date was March 17, 2015..

I have been putting all of these tasks off for awhile now
It's definitely been hard to accomplish them
First I started with tossing out the letters you wrote me
They were always so vague, and never full of details.
Those **** letters
I cried for three days when I realized I would never read them again..
I then went for the journal you had wrote me
And I shoved it in a bag
Along with your giant sweaters and the gifts you gave me
Like the stuffed lion
I also gave back the book of poetry I had wrote for you
Because you always said you liked my writing
And keeping it for myself would only bring my grave sadness
I cried every night after giving that back
Because it was a realization that things between us were really over
And you didn't miss me
So now I am still trying to get rid of all the remains you left in my house
I still have the candles
And the dress
And the cards
But I washed out my bed sheets
So I no longer have your scent etched in them
And though they are warm
They lack you
I'm trying to keep myself from caving and talking to you again
Its really difficult, you know..
My god
I miss you so much
You being gone is leaving me empty
You keep saying you want to be friends
But I just can't
I am so in love with you
How can you just pick everything up like that and walk away from it all?
These sheets are too clean
I want to ***** them with my blood
Stain them red
I have been sensing danger in my head
Living without you is a ******* nightmare
And I can't say those haven't stopped either
I miss you I miss you I miss you
You are all I think about at 2 am
And 2 pm
Why won't you come back to me so I can call you mine?
My god
I am so sad and desperate without you
I know
I ****** things up
But baby, you said that's what you liked most about me
These sheets are too clean
Come back
I don't want to beg anymore

I realized
The smell of flowers didn't remind me of spring
But funerals instead

I just..
I thought when I left,
The dreams would leave with you.
But they haven't, no..
They continue to get worse
And within them I am running away from the monsters labeled
Depression
Low Self-esteem
You
I wake up with shaky hands
AND I AM GASPING FOR AIR
LIKE I'VE JUST BROKEN THE SURFACE
AFTER SWIMMING UP FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE DEAD SEA
I'm sorry
The girls who tugged on your shirt sleeves
Carried you away again
And all I've been doing is trying to save you from the ones named:
Liar
*****
Boredom
Because I was the only one who truly wanted you for the better reasons
You, you wouldn't have it
Said you'd rather leave me in the bottom of the pool
With weights tied down to my small ankles
Rolling over, I've been sleep deprived
Start of exhaustion
From lack of you
Lack of sleep
Lack of love
I'd say I miss you
But you always left me suffocating
Like a victim under decorated pillows
You see, what you are doing looks beautiful on the outside
So bystanders don't stop and help me
I stretch my legs
And trace my fingers over the areas you used to touch
You smelled of old spices
And reminiscing after thoughts
Nostalgia has been flooding the waters of the sunken ship
But people pass by on a boat
Thinking "what a beautiful disaster"
No one jumps in the water
To save the only passenger
Sinking in the oceans current
HELP ME
I'M DROWNING
I'M NOT LOOKING FOR EXCUSES
JUST SAVE ME
But you don't budge
Can barely move
And my fist become clenched
The woman appears on the boat with wine
She wraps her arms around your waist,
Much like I used to
She whispers something in your ears
Making a look I know all too well appear on your beautiful face
I ... Take it back
It's beginning to rain
And I am fighting the weights
The boat is becoming distant
As you walk with her into the cabin
Linked arms
Shoulder to shoulder
My legs are tingling
My breathing never slows
My pulse going a mile a minute
This is where I wake up
With blood draining down the side of my chest
How did I end up in this hospital?
Of course, I wake up to familiar faces
But.. They aren't yours
It's not that I miss you
No, it's just that I'm afraid
You've ruined me
My first lover,
My darling,
Your lies have shattered a once innocent heart
I cannot feel the love radiating out of you
You were my entire world
But I, was just another measly star in your solar system...
Stay where you are
I know you won't make circles to come back to me
And fix my battered heart,
Smoothen my sharp edges
I've learned the hard way
But I guess I'm realizing
It was only ever me treading heavy waters
With weights clenching my ankles for survival

I can't sleep
You're gone
And it used to be blood battles every night
But tonight it's silent
And all I can hear are crickets chirping in the yard
The silence is deafening
Sometimes, I prefer you screaming at me through the phone
Just because it meant we were working through something
But last time, I knew it was coming to an end
So I broke it off before you could
And now all I whisper, is your name in my sleep
All I whisper is the places we've been together
The people we've become
My hands are so empty and trembling without yours
The other whole that completed me has moved on so quickly
I guess I thought you wouldn't persuade me by lying anymore after it all happened
But nothing changed
When I text you goodnight,
"Baby" appears as something I should say next
But I dont
I dont say it anymore
Because that's no longer my place
I've taken it out of your veins
And hidden those words within my own
So you won't be able to find it there
You won't be able to sink your teeth into all of my tender places
I roll over
Sweetheart, do you know me?
You know that when the flowers bloom in the spring it means new beginnings and happiness
But lately, all I am sensing is grave danger and sadness filling up the pits of my stomach
I won't eat
I have lost my appetite, due to a boy who is filling me with this sensation of ache
I miss you
I miss you like the way my paper misses the ink on it
I miss you like the way my mother misses alcohol
I miss you like the winter misses the sun
I. Miss. You.
And its sickening to me that you left again
You left without fighting for the parts of me you onced loved so dearly
You picked me up like a moving box and placed me outside your door
Waiting to be picked up by another delivery man
Well its raining
Its pouring
Will you let me in???
I'm cold
I can hear you sneaking her in through the back door
The delivery man is late
And I'm melting on the pavement
I don't want to die anymore
But without you, it feels like I already have...
You say
You're suicidal over things you cannot control
But darling you know that's what breaks me the most
So for once I have taken something into my own hands
Only to regret it later
And so I am sorry for not giving you my all...
I blink my eyes
And realize the darkness of the room is enveloping me in a way I never imagined possible
I ******* miss you baby
Return to these bed sheets
And cradle me with care
Just like it used to be..

I am blowing out the candles
Because I no longer light up your life anymore
I have stopped whispering my poetry in your ears
Because you are not worthy of the sweet words I have laced with honey
I gave back the sweaters
Which lost your scent
Similar in the way I lost myself
And ruined everything