I've tried not to feel like this
I've tried not to let it get to me
but every time her name is brought up
or you say you're with her

it's like my heart drops
and I want to curl up in a ball
and not talk to anyone or do anything

I completely shut down

because my mind races with thoughts
of you and her

and I feel like the more you're with her,
the more I'm losing you

-e.w.

I dream
Every night
Of kissing
Those lips
That go along
With that
Handsome face

I dream
Every night
Of just being able
To get
Even a seconds worth
Of a hug
From your
Aching Body

Because I know
That you struggle
With the seed
Of sadness
That grows inside
Some of us

Because you hide it
Oh-so-well

Because you don't
Want to seem
"Weak"
To all your
"Friends"

And I tell you
That I'll
Always
Be here for you
That I'm not
Going anywhere

But maybe,
You lost my
Number

Or maybe,
Your phone got
Broken

Because I don't
Want to be mad
At someone
Who suffers in
Silence
Because I know
What you're feeling
So I try
To think of the
Best scenario

But maybe,
No matter
How much of me
Wishes it
To not be true,
Maybe
You just know
You're better off
Without me.

-e.w.

you don't talk about her
as much as you used to
but

I still worry

I'm trying to not
think about it too much
but

I still worry

I try not to think that
you're going to leave
but

I still worry

I think about you with her
and I try not to get upset
because I trust you

I trust you
I trust you
I trust you

but god,
maybe I'm just trying to
convince myself that I do

-e.w.

I've pushed
      Everyone away
               So they can't
                         Get close
                              To the hatred
                                       And horrors
                                              That fill my
                                                    Dying mind.
                                                                     -e.w.

One minute you tell me you love me
one minute you compliment me
and tell me you love everything about me
one minute you actually seem like you care

but the next
I'm left feeling like you could care less
if I'm here or not
the next you make me feel like I do nothing right
the next you act like I mean absolutely nothing to you

so I'm not sure if it's your ****** up idea of love
or maybe it could be mine

-e.w.

My head pounds
And even the
Tiniest bit of light
Can make this pain
In my head
Worse
And you're screaming
At me
At the top of your lungs
Not knowing
That this migraine
Is the worst
I've had in forever.
Because I "used" to
Get them 24/7
All the **** time
But I lied to you
Saying that I don't
Get them anymore
Saying that I was fine
Because I hated
Seeing you always
Worrying about me.
So I lied
Something you told me
Never to do
And I said
They were gone
As I'm silently
Sitting here
As you're screaming at me
About that grade in school
As my head
Pounds to the beat
Of the song
That's playing over
And over in my
Mind.

-e.w.

I'm hoping
One of these days
That when I sleep
For hours on end
I won't wake up
Because maybe
My brain will forget
How to breath
While my mind
Drifts to different dreams
And maybe
I won't have to
Face another dreadful
Day

And maybe,
Just maybe,
You'll miss me.

-e.w.

Ever since you broke me,
ever since you said the things
a daughter should never
have to hear from her mother

I've grown numb

I walk around like I have a
titanium heart
and I never cry

But maybe my heart
is just too shattered to feel
and maybe I'm all out of tears

Have you ever thought of that?

-e.w.

There was something
About the cold metal
Sliding across my
Innocent skin
As it slowly ripped it open,
Like a zipper on a jacket

There was just something about it
That always had me crawling back
To do it once more

-e.w.

You tell me
That I'm "pretty",
Inside and
Out

But you don't
Realize
How hard
It is for me
To actually take these words
To heart

Because once,
A beautiful boy
Who's eyes
Were as blue
As the ocean
Told me
That I was the
Most beautiful girl
He had ever seen

Coincidentally,
Just two weeks later
There was another
Blonde hair,
Green eyed "beauty"
That I was
Replaced with

Because guess what?
I wasn't pretty enough
I wasn't nice enough
I wasn't good enough.

Because I am
Never
Good enough.

And trust me,
I know
I never will be.

-e.w.

I've always wondered
What it would be like to take a drag
From a cigarette

To have the nicotine fill my heavy lungs
To puff out the beautiful smoke
To feel calm

But when I thought about your lips
On mine

I think that it was close enough.

-e.w.

Please forgive me
If the only words you hear from me
Are sad and depressing
Things

Because all that courses through
These dying veins anymore
Is the evil that comes
From my aching heart

I do not know
Happiness

And happiness
Is not a friend of
Mine.

-e.w.

For the first time
In a long time
My mind has been empty
And I can't hear
One **** thing
Except the beating of the drum
That has taken the place
Of my heart

-e.w.

I crave the feeling
Of being numb

So I wouldn't have to sit here
At 8:52 at night
Wishing I were gone

Wishing I could go away
Or go home

Because I can't handle
This sadness
That never,
And I mean never,
Goes away

I promise you
I'm trying to battle through it

But when I can't
Think of a reason
Why I should stay

I think of all the reasons why I
Shouldn't

-e.w.

One, two, three

I count the tally marks
Lining my arm

Four, five, six

They're swollen,
Matching my eyelids

Seven, eight, nine

I'm losing sleep
And I'm losing places
To make my mark

Ten, eleven, twelve

I'm getting worse,
Much worse

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen

I could go on
Until maybe
One-hundred

But I wouldn't want to
Bore you

With the scars lining
My battlefield
As I fight this
Never ending
War.

-e.w.

I'm having one of those
Days,
Weeks,
Months,
Years.

Because nothing
Seems to help
Anymore

Because nothing
Seems to make me
Happy

Because like I've said
A million times
And I'll say it
A million more

I am in this
Pit of depression
Where I am stuck
Without a ladder,
Rope,
Or even a hand
To bring me back
To the
Surface.

-e.w.

it
scares
me
that
this
doesn't
hurt
yet.

-e.w.

I listen to these songs
On repeat
Because maybe through these
Paper thin walls
You can hear the lyrics
And maybe realize
The lyrics are the only way
For me to feel like I'm getting
Even a little bit of this lingering pain
Off my heavy chest.

-e.w.

I'm sorry I question you
and ask are you sure?
after every "I love you"
and "I promise I'm not going to leave"

but people say things
every day,
all the time

words slip out of mouths
as if it all means nothing
as if we're just trying to pass the time

-e.w.

I hate you
So much
And it's
So hard
To pretend
Like I
Don't

Because every
Move you make,
Every word you
Say
I feel like
Either suffocating
You
Or maybe it would
Be easier
To just suffocate
Myself

Because you act
Perfect
When we all know
No one is
Perfect

Especially not
You.

-e.w.

I want
To feel
Love
So bad.
But at the
Same time,
I don't want
To feel like
I finally
Matter to someone
And then get dropped
Because I know
That I will
Shatter, once again
Into a million,
Teeny-tiny
Pieces.

-e.w.

There's something
Odd
That grows
In the pit of my
Stomach
When I get asked
To a party
Or to go
Hangout
Because I feel like
I just get asked
Out of
Pity
Instead of them
Actually wanting me  
To go

Because I have
This feeling
That everyone just
Feels bad for me
For being
Stupid,
Ugly and
Not able
To talk well
With people

Because I stutter
With every word
That slips
From my horrible
Dry mouth

And I shake
When someone
Asks me even a
Simple question

Because I can't seem
To put all the
Jumbled up
Words
In my mind
Into normal
Sentences

-e.w.

you told me you still love me
you still care
you still want to try

but all I feel is numb
towards you
towards this

you've made me numb
and feel even more miserable
than I think I've ever been

please make the hurt stop
you're slowly killing me
and you don't even care to notice

-e.w.

Today's been bad
           The worst in awhile
                 And it's days like these
                        That I wish I could just
                                  End it.
-e.w

I don't know what's wrong with me
because you make me so happy
but right now
I can feel the tears swelling up
in my eyes
because I get these bursts
of complete unhappiness
and I can't control it
and I know I'm not good enough
and I'm so scared you'll find someone new
because it'd be so easy
to find someone better
and I'm sorry I get so sad
and all I want is for you to hold me
and make everything okay
but you can't
because you're over there
and I'm way over
here.

-e.w.

I'm always one
for running out of words to say
or forgetting how to speak
I want to be noticed
or listened to
someone to hear me out
with the blabbering that escapes my lips.
I'm always one
for being invisible
or fading into the back drop
because I never speak up
but I don't think anyone would care
anyway.
I'm always one
for craving attention
not the "center of the attention" attention
just the
"I'd care if you were gone" attention
but yet

I'm always one
to be forgotten.

-e.w.

You never notice
Or,
Maybe you pretend
So you never
Have to

-e.w.

you reeled me in
like the best catch of the day
now all I seem to be
is just one of your many fishes

I promised myself
That I wouldn't let you get to me

That if you didn't text me,
I wouldn't text you

That if you didn't like me,
I would try
Oh, I would try to not like you  

But I broke my promise
You got to me

I'm addicted to you,
Like you're addicted to her

This viscous cycle
Where I love you,
But you chase her

I'm sitting here
In these empty halls
As you're in class,
She's running through your mind

I just know it.

I wish I could get over you,
Just end this

But every time I see you,
I'm reeled back in
Trying to push out the reality

The reality that you love her,
Not me.

But who was I kidding?
Who would ever love me;

With all the poison
Running through my veins.

-e.w.

Last night
When the sun
Slept soundly on the other side
Of the earth
I had a handful of
Purple and blue pills
Ready to shove them down
My throat

Ready to slice up
The ugly skin
That covers my torn up body

Ready to do
Whatever it takes
To get away
From whatever the hell
This thing is
You all call
"Life".

-e.w.

There's nothing I like more
Than to think about
How my life will be
Just 2 or 3 years from
Now

Because most people are
Scared and worried
For the future

While I sit here
Waiting for the day
When I can throw
That graduation cap
High up into the air

Pack my bags
And move somewhere
Where no one knows my
Name

And find someone
Who lights up even my
Darkest days
And is there with me
No matter what;
Who I can spend forever with


I can't wait to leave this place
Of fakes
To find something
Real.

-e.w.

I wish I had you back
So I could text you
When I feel like
Leaving this world

Because you were the only one
Who could text me
And say to go to bed
Before I did anything
I might regret
And I would,
Just for you

But now
I'm stuck here
Alone
Because you found
Someone else

And I try,
Oh I try,
To hate you
For doing that to me
For just leaving me
Like I was
Nothing

And when my thoughts
Haunt all my dreams
And nightmares
That now become
Reality

You're not there

And maybe,
You never were

-e.w.

The taste of regret
Fills my mouth
As your name and face
Pop into my head

Because I don't know why
I ever thought
You could be different
Or you could be
Good for me.

-e.w.

I told myself that I could handle this
that I'd make it
that I'd be fine
but my eyes have been overflowing with tears
the past 24 hours
and my wrists burn
and my head aches
and I'm back to not wanting to make it to
tomorrow

-e.w.

I listened
To that song on
Repeat
Because somehow
It reminded me of
You
And just like
That song
I can't get you
Out of my
Head.

-e.w.

You've replaced me,
Yet you tell me
I'm your
Best friend
But I know
I'm not
Because you talk
So highly
Of those
Other girls
And say that
You think they're
Hilarious
And say that
They're your
Best friend
When talking to them

And you don't
Understand
How much
That hurts
Because I am
3 hours away
From you,
But I still
Try my hardest
To keep being
Your best friend
Because you're the
Only one
That understands
Even a sliver
Of me
And I'm the
Only one
Who understands
Even a sliver
Of you

And I can't
Take it
If you leave
Too.

-e.w.

I want you
So bad
But yet
I don't want
To ruin this
Like I do
Everything else.

-e.w.

It always seems
That I end up
In this same exact
Place

With my eyes
Nearly swollen shut
From the salt water
That seeps from them
Rarely,
But when it does,
It comes like a
Rain storm
Or maybe even a
Tsunami

With a shiny piece
Of metal
In between my index finger
And thumb
Waiting to see
The beautiful red
Liquid that
Drains
From my pale
Wrist

With my body shaking
In fear
That the slices
Will not
Be enough
Damage

Because if you're
Ever looking for me
On any night
At 9:11 p.m.

I'll be right here
In this same exact
Place.

-e.w.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm such a ******* mess
I'm sorry I bring you down
I'm sorry my head gets to me
and tells me you're going to leave
because everyone always does
I'm sorry I'm not what you hoped for
I'm sorry I'm not what you deserve
I'm sorry you love me
but please just stop
and save yourself

before I tear you apart too

-e.w.

I'm not ready
to give this up

because yeah,
you're hundreds of miles away
but I swear you're worth it

because you make me
look forward to tomorrow
and send me texts
that make it a little easier to wake up

because your smile
makes me smile like an idiot
and makes me
want to hold you forever and
make sure that smile never disappears

because you make me feel things
that I've never felt before
like these butterflies
that never leave my stomach
or when my eyes light up
when I think about you

because I've finally found something
worth waking up for
and something I'm scared as hell
to lose

and that's
you.

-e.w.

nine days
until I can finally
get out of this
hell

but I wish it was longer
than for just
the summer

-e.w.

I can't make my poems rhyme
Or flow
Like I wish I could
My brain just
Spits my thoughts out
Onto the empty paper
Like my brain is sick with all these thoughts
And this is the way to get better

Sore throats itch and scratch
Head pounding
Like a war behind your skull

Struggling to stay awake
Yet,
Struggling to fall asleep

The cough medicine trickles down your throat
Distinct taste of cherry lingers
As you lay your head down

You feel the medicine kick in,
So thankful that you'll finally..
be..
able..
to...

-e.w.

I’m not sure if I can do this
If I can make it through the days

If I can hold onto the small string
From the tough rope

My grasp is loosening
My mind is unraveling
My heart is racing

I’m not cut out for this

I’ve tried my hardest
I promise
But I’ve come to the end

I can’t keep struggling
With this smile
Slapped across my face

Making it seem like I’m okay

But I’m a walking skeleton
I’m losing wieght
I’m tired
All the time

I don’t want to be around
Or talk
To anyone

No one can fix this.

I’ve gotten myself in too deep
And I can’t force myself out
It’s a neverending pit

I think I might die here
With a bottle in my right hand
And a cell phone in the left

911 punched in
As the pills sing me to sleep

-e.w.

The only reason
That I am still
Barely breathing
Is so that you won't
Be disappointed
If I ever were
To leave
Because in my mind
Disappointment is far worse
Than the meanest anger
Or the depressing sadness
Because the only thing
That I have left
Is what people think about
Me.
So I want to be
Honest and kind
And someone who
Someone else
Is proud of
Because in my mind
That is the
Greatest honor.

So please know
That if I ever
Were to leave

Please do not be
Disappointed
Or I may be
Even sadder
Lying six feet
Under.

-e.w.

I wish so badly
That I could take back
Everything
I've ever said to
Everybody
So I wouldn't have gotten close to
Anybody
Because then I wouldn't be a
Somebody
In their minds

Because then it might make
Swallowing these ******* pills
So much easier.

-e.w.

You make me
Sick to my
Stomach
Yet I feel
Right at
Home
When you speak
Even one word
To me.

Because your presence
Can either
Make me feel
Like I want to die
Or like
I want to be
Around,
Hopefully with you,
Forever.

You either
Make me feel
Like I'm the most
Worthless
Person in the
Whole world
Or like
I'm the one
Who matters
Most to you.

And I don't
Understand
How someone
Like me
Could love and
Hate someone
So much

And that
Someone
Is you.

-e.w.

I've been feeling ill
The past few weeks

Not wanting to do anything
Feeling sicker than usual

The depression was there
But it seemed like
Something else was too

Doctors maybe suspected cancer
I had most of the signs

I thought about it
But no sadness rushed over me,
Instead,
it might have been gladness

Knowing that if I did
I would get out sooner
Than I thought

Hoping that God would give it to me
And take it away
From someone who deserved to live
Much more than
Me

But sadly,
It was just a "scare"

I'm perfectly fine,

But please know,
That my mind is not "fine"
And I may find another way to

"Get out sooner."

-e.w.