I often think
About how much strength
It would take
To leave this world
With that tan rope
Lying in my
Garage

Or maybe
That black
Revolver
Hidden not so carefully
In the basement

Or maybe
It's just as easy
To open up
Those brown
Cabinet doors
And reach my hand in
To grab
The big bottle
Of beautiful
Pills

But most days
I am far too
Weak
To do any
Of these options

But some days
I have all the
Strength
In the world
And could easily
Just get up and
Leave.

-e.w.

1 hour and 52 minutes
is the longest we've gone
without texting one another back
when we're not busy

but now it's been
2 hours and 11 minutes
and each minute that goes by
feels like hours

and I feel like collapsing
and screaming
and crying

and I feel you
slowly forgetting about
me

-e.w.

I'm sitting here
Listening to music,
Sitting outside
And enjoying
That for once,
I'm not worrying about anything

And I get to
Clear my mind
And not think
About anything
Except the stars
That hang,
Or float,
Or however they stay
In the tidal wave colored
Sky.

-e.w.

you used to make me want to write
happy poems
and be happy
but now all you make me want to do
is rip my skin open
and drink
and smoke
until there's nothing left of me

-e.w.

I told myself
I need to stop
Letting you break me

It's unintentional on your part
But it keeps happening

I keep loving you
With everything I have

But yet you won't even
Give me the time of day

You say you're confused
About your feelings
That you don't know
If you love me
Or someone new

I'm the happiest
When I see you
Or receive a single text from you
Or even talk to you

Because somehow
I can see your face light up with joy
When I see you

As I begin to break once again.

Sore throats itch and scratch
Head pounding
Like a war behind your skull

Struggling to stay awake
Yet,
Struggling to fall asleep

The cough medicine trickles down your throat
Distinct taste of cherry lingers
As you lay your head down

You feel the medicine kick in,
So thankful that you'll finally..
be..
able..
to...

-e.w.

I talk on the phone with you
Every night

And I promise
There's not a day that goes by
That I don't miss you

-e.w.

It always seems
That I end up
In this same exact
Place

With my eyes
Nearly swollen shut
From the salt water
That seeps from them
Rarely,
But when it does,
It comes like a
Rain storm
Or maybe even a
Tsunami

With a shiny piece
Of metal
In between my index finger
And thumb
Waiting to see
The beautiful red
Liquid that
Drains
From my pale
Wrist

With my body shaking
In fear
That the slices
Will not
Be enough
Damage

Because if you're
Ever looking for me
On any night
At 9:11 p.m.

I'll be right here
In this same exact
Place.

-e.w.

I did it.

And I tried reading your text
over and over
to see if I could get
the evil thoughts
to leave my mind.
To see if I could pull away
the sharp metal
pressed against my skin.

But your words
meant nothing
in that moment.
When all I could think about
was how I was going
to leave this world

-e.w.

I'm not a jealous person
but when it comes to you
I see everyone as a threat

because I know in the blink of an eye
you could leave me
for someone who's so much better
and prettier
and nicer
and stronger

for someone's who's
everything I'm not

-e.w.

I never meant
To fall in love

But when you smiled
And called me babe
And told me
I was always on your mind

How could I not?

-e.w.

You had me
wrapped around your finger
but as you cracked your knuckles
ready to hit me one more time
with the anger filling your eyes
as mine filled with tears
I still held tighter
than I ever have before.

-e.w.

I've always wondered
What it would be like to take a drag
From a cigarette

To have the nicotine fill my heavy lungs
To puff out the beautiful smoke
To feel calm

But when I thought about your lips
On mine

I think that it was close enough.

-e.w.

There's something
Odd
That grows
In the pit of my
Stomach
When I get asked
To a party
Or to go
Hangout
Because I feel like
I just get asked
Out of
Pity
Instead of them
Actually wanting me  
To go

Because I have
This feeling
That everyone just
Feels bad for me
For being
Stupid,
Ugly and
Not able
To talk well
With people

Because I stutter
With every word
That slips
From my horrible
Dry mouth

And I shake
When someone
Asks me even a
Simple question

Because I can't seem
To put all the
Jumbled up
Words
In my mind
Into normal
Sentences

-e.w.

I have
This idea
In my mind
That the world and
You
Would be
Better off without
Me.
Because all I do
Is make you
Worried and completely
Stressed out
And I hate knowing
That you've done
All these things
For me
And that I will never
In a million years
Be able to
Pay you back.
And I am so sorry
I am not
The daughter
That you dreamed of
Because I have
That C in Chemistry
And I'm not the best
At making
Friends
And I'm not the girl
All the boys
Fall head over
Heels for
And I'm never
Going to be
The daughter that you
Deserve.

-e.w.

It's this constant feeling
I'd be better off dead
lying six feet under
using my last breath to tell you
I love you
one more time
even though I know
you still wouldn't say it back

-e.w.

it
scares
me
that
this
doesn't
hurt
yet.

-e.w.

I've been feeling ill
The past few weeks

Not wanting to do anything
Feeling sicker than usual

The depression was there
But it seemed like
Something else was too

Doctors maybe suspected cancer
I had most of the signs

I thought about it
But no sadness rushed over me,
Instead,
it might have been gladness

Knowing that if I did
I would get out sooner
Than I thought

Hoping that God would give it to me
And take it away
From someone who deserved to live
Much more than
Me

But sadly,
It was just a "scare"

I'm perfectly fine,

But please know,
That my mind is not "fine"
And I may find another way to

"Get out sooner."

-e.w.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry* I'm like this
I'm sorry I'm stupid
I'm sorry I'm mean
I'm sorry that when someone
Tries to love me
I push them away
Because once they start to
They always leave

Because right now
I'm not ready
For someone to love
Every inch
Of the parts of me
That I hate
With a burning
Passion

And don't say
"It's okay."
And that you can
Wait for me

Because you may
Be waiting on me
Forever.

Because maybe
I'll never be strong enough
To trust someone
With the beating thing
In my chest
That breaks
Oh-so
Easily.

-e.w

Ever since you broke me,
ever since you said the things
a daughter should never
have to hear from her mother

I've grown numb

I walk around like I have a
titanium heart
and I never cry

But maybe my heart
is just too shattered to feel
and maybe I'm all out of tears

Have you ever thought of that?

-e.w.

People always say
a lot can change in 6 months
and I never really believed that until
your fascination with me slowly disappeared
and now I seem to be just another girl
but I'm the girl you can ****
so I guess I should feel special

but I feel like I'm getting ******
in more than just one way

-e.w.

One, two, three

I count the tally marks
Lining my arm

Four, five, six

They're swollen,
Matching my eyelids

Seven, eight, nine

I'm losing sleep
And I'm losing places
To make my mark

Ten, eleven, twelve

I'm getting worse,
Much worse

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen

I could go on
Until maybe
One-hundred

But I wouldn't want to
Bore you

With the scars lining
My battlefield
As I fight this
Never ending
War.

-e.w.

I opened up to you
Told you about the sadness
That sweeps over me

You told me you have it too
That you feel like no one cares

I care.

I tried to be there for you,
wanting you to be there for me

But all I got
Was ignored texts
And helpless nights
Without you there

I hurt
But all I got was ignored

Oh,
I'm sorry
I really thought you were different

But you don't care
Just like everyone else.

-e.w.

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry
That I can't write
Happy poems

Because I try to write them
To maybe
Cheer me up

But nothing comes out,
But ****** mistakes
And broken pieces


I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry
That I'm just not
Happy

Because I try to
Look on the bright side
And think about
The future

But I can't
When everything is
Falling apart
And I'm left here
Alone


But I promise that
I wish I could be happy
But I just
Can't

And trust me,
I've tried

-e.w.

My phone buzzes
My best friend's name
Flashes across the screen
As I smile with joy

Her voice soothes
Even my darkest demons

She knows exactly what to say
Even when I'm at my lowest

She knows what I'm feeling;
She's going through it too

An hour ticks by,
but I wish the night and phone call
Would last forever

Because she's the only one
Who can make me laugh,
When I want to cry

Make me smile,
When I feel like
Slicing my skin open once again

Even though she's 3 hours away,
I feel like we're closer than
Ever.

-e.w.

I'm sorry I question you
and ask are you sure?
after every "I love you"
and "I promise I'm not going to leave"

but people say things
every day,
all the time

words slip out of mouths
as if it all means nothing
as if we're just trying to pass the time

-e.w.

"I have to ***."
Was the first text
I got from you
After 3 weeks
Of nothing

You were
Sitting across
From me
In the only class
We have
Together

You smirked
When you saw
That I got the text

I didn't want to smile
Or show any emotion
I didn't want
To give you
The satisfaction
That you can still
Make me
Happy,
Even if it's just for
A split second.

And yet,
I smiled
Wider than the
Sky.

-e.w.

I
promise
that
I'm
trying
my
hardest
but
I'm
thinking
that
I'm
not
going
to
make
it.

-e.w.

Last night
When the sun
Slept soundly on the other side
Of the earth
I had a handful of
Purple and blue pills
Ready to shove them down
My throat

Ready to slice up
The ugly skin
That covers my torn up body

Ready to do
Whatever it takes
To get away
From whatever the hell
This thing is
You all call
"Life".

-e.w.

I've always known
I was never
Cut out for this.
Cut out for
Living
Cut out for
Surviving
Or whatever it is
We're doing
Day by
*******
Day.

-e.w.

I say I'm sorry
Like it's going out of
Style

Because I know
I've been a **** person,
Maybe even the ******* person
In the world

And I can't say just how
Sorry
I am

Because you'll never
understand.

-e.w.

You never notice
Or,
Maybe you pretend
So you never
Have to

-e.w.

There was something
About the cold metal
Sliding across my
Innocent skin
As it slowly ripped it open,
Like a zipper on a jacket

There was just something about it
That always had me crawling back
To do it once more

-e.w.

My head pounds
And even the
Tiniest bit of light
Can make this pain
In my head
Worse
And you're screaming
At me
At the top of your lungs
Not knowing
That this migraine
Is the worst
I've had in forever.
Because I "used" to
Get them 24/7
All the **** time
But I lied to you
Saying that I don't
Get them anymore
Saying that I was fine
Because I hated
Seeing you always
Worrying about me.
So I lied
Something you told me
Never to do
And I said
They were gone
As I'm silently
Sitting here
As you're screaming at me
About that grade in school
As my head
Pounds to the beat
Of the song
That's playing over
And over in my
Mind.

-e.w.

You liked me because I have blonde hair
and blue eyes that remind you of the ocean
"Stop it"
you repeated over and over because
when you looked at me
you got lost in my eyes

but I was never into you
in that way

but when we sat in my car
and just talked about everything
and anything
I thought for a second you could be real
and different

but a week later
I was shown the real you
the one who didn't want to talk to me anymore
because you only wanted
to **** me

but you were my friend
and you were the person
I could talk to
about anything
and everything

but I was just another girl
that you wanted to be
another notch in your bed post.

-e.w.

The only time
I'm ever even
Close
To being happy
Is when I'm with
You

Because you're my
Best friend
And I couldn't imagine
Not having you
By my side
Because you're the only one
That I can
Relate to
And trust
And you're the only one
Who knows
That this depression
Has taken over
My life

But you can
Make me
Smile
And laugh
So hard
Because I can
Completely be myself
Around you
And that's the best
Feeling
In the world

I am so glad
I met you
Just 3 years ago
Because you are
The main reason
I'm still
Here.

-e.w.

Goodbyes are so much easier
When it's the last one
You'll ever have to
Say.

-e.w.

I promised myself
That I wouldn't let you get to me

That if you didn't text me,
I wouldn't text you

That if you didn't like me,
I would try
Oh, I would try to not like you  

But I broke my promise
You got to me

I'm addicted to you,
Like you're addicted to her

This viscous cycle
Where I love you,
But you chase her

I'm sitting here
In these empty halls
As you're in class,
She's running through your mind

I just know it.

I wish I could get over you,
Just end this

But every time I see you,
I'm reeled back in
Trying to push out the reality

The reality that you love her,
Not me.

But who was I kidding?
Who would ever love me;

With all the poison
Running through my veins.

-e.w.

I've pushed
      Everyone away
               So they can't
                         Get close
                              To the hatred
                                       And horrors
                                              That fill my
                                                    Dying mind.
                                                                     -e.w.

I'm trying
to get better,
to not be sad,
to be okay

I promise.

-e.w.

there's nothing left in me
that believes I'm enough for you

but I don't think
I'll ever be enough for anyone
anymore

-e.w.

you told me
in order to keep your job
you would have to be out of town
every
other
week

do you realize how much that ripped me apart?
you're the only person I trust
or can rely on
and hasn't left me alone in this darkness

I know you need to do this
I do
but I swear it's tearing me apart
even more.

-e.w.

I dream
Every night
Of kissing
Those lips
That go along
With that
Handsome face

I dream
Every night
Of just being able
To get
Even a seconds worth
Of a hug
From your
Aching Body

Because I know
That you struggle
With the seed
Of sadness
That grows inside
Some of us

Because you hide it
Oh-so-well

Because you don't
Want to seem
"Weak"
To all your
"Friends"

And I tell you
That I'll
Always
Be here for you
That I'm not
Going anywhere

But maybe,
You lost my
Number

Or maybe,
Your phone got
Broken

Because I don't
Want to be mad
At someone
Who suffers in
Silence
Because I know
What you're feeling
So I try
To think of the
Best scenario

But maybe,
No matter
How much of me
Wishes it
To not be true,
Maybe
You just know
You're better off
Without me.

-e.w.

I promise you
With all my
Torn up
Almost-dead
Heart
That I will try
To love
And fix
You
With all
that's left of
Me.

-e.w.

You make me better
you make me happy
you make me not worry
you make me not sad
you make me not think
about anything other than

you

-e.w.

I'm insane.

Yet,
I'm as sane as they get

These emotions fill me up
Up to the brim

The outside always holds the lie
Waiting for the day I will explode
Making sure everyone knows
Exactly how I feel

But for now,
My emotions topple over my eyes

Making my eyelids heavy
As I keep them awake until 4:32 am
As my mind races
And my heart thumps with anxiety

Waiting for the day
When you'll know,
That I have never been okay.

-e.w.

There's nothing I like more
Than to think about
How my life will be
Just 2 or 3 years from
Now

Because most people are
Scared and worried
For the future

While I sit here
Waiting for the day
When I can throw
That graduation cap
High up into the air

Pack my bags
And move somewhere
Where no one knows my
Name

And find someone
Who lights up even my
Darkest days
And is there with me
No matter what;
Who I can spend forever with


I can't wait to leave this place
Of fakes
To find something
Real.

-e.w.

I listen to these songs
On repeat
Because maybe through these
Paper thin walls
You can hear the lyrics
And maybe realize
The lyrics are the only way
For me to feel like I'm getting
Even a little bit of this lingering pain
Off my heavy chest.

-e.w.

I'm losing sleep
And my body aches
From all the weight it carries

I'm losing time
That I could spend
Being happy, or at least
Happier than this

I'm losing love
As I push people away
Saying that I'm poison
That I don't want them to stay

I'm losing my mind
As I wrack my brain
Trying to figure out
Why I'm even still alive

I'm losing myself
With each passing day
Telling everyone that I'm fine
That the sadness will just go away

But I'm never okay
And I'm starting to think
That maybe I never will be.

-e.w.

I hope
When I leave
This stupid town
I have someone new
To think about
All day
And to help
Quiet my loudest
Demons
Instead of still lingering
On someone like you

Because you have
A face of an
Angel
But the poison
Of bad intent
Coursing through
Your veins
Like the devil.

-e.w.