I promised myself
That I wouldn't let you get to me

That if you didn't text me,
I wouldn't text you

That if you didn't like me,
I would try
Oh, I would try to not like you  

But I broke my promise
You got to me

I'm addicted to you,
Like you're addicted to her

This viscous cycle
Where I love you,
But you chase her

I'm sitting here
In these empty halls
As you're in class,
She's running through your mind

I just know it.

I wish I could get over you,
Just end this

But every time I see you,
I'm reeled back in
Trying to push out the reality

The reality that you love her,
Not me.

But who was I kidding?
Who would ever love me;

With all the poison
Running through my veins.

-e.w.

One minute you tell me you love me
one minute you compliment me
and tell me you love everything about me
one minute you actually seem like you care

but the next
I'm left feeling like you could care less
if I'm here or not
the next you make me feel like I do nothing right
the next you act like I mean absolutely nothing to you

so I'm not sure if it's your ****** up idea of love
or maybe it could be mine

-e.w.

I'm losing sleep
And my body aches
From all the weight it carries

I'm losing time
That I could spend
Being happy, or at least
Happier than this

I'm losing love
As I push people away
Saying that I'm poison
That I don't want them to stay

I'm losing my mind
As I wrack my brain
Trying to figure out
Why I'm even still alive

I'm losing myself
With each passing day
Telling everyone that I'm fine
That the sadness will just go away

But I'm never okay
And I'm starting to think
That maybe I never will be.

-e.w.

I listen to these songs
On repeat
Because maybe through these
Paper thin walls
You can hear the lyrics
And maybe realize
The lyrics are the only way
For me to feel like I'm getting
Even a little bit of this lingering pain
Off my heavy chest.

-e.w.

There's nothing I like more
Than to think about
How my life will be
Just 2 or 3 years from
Now

Because most people are
Scared and worried
For the future

While I sit here
Waiting for the day
When I can throw
That graduation cap
High up into the air

Pack my bags
And move somewhere
Where no one knows my
Name

And find someone
Who lights up even my
Darkest days
And is there with me
No matter what;
Who I can spend forever with


I can't wait to leave this place
Of fakes
To find something
Real.

-e.w.

I hope
When I leave
This stupid town
I have someone new
To think about
All day
And to help
Quiet my loudest
Demons
Instead of still lingering
On someone like you

Because you have
A face of an
Angel
But the poison
Of bad intent
Coursing through
Your veins
Like the devil.

-e.w.

The taste of regret
Fills my mouth
As your name and face
Pop into my head

Because I don't know why
I ever thought
You could be different
Or you could be
Good for me.

-e.w.

It seems like
Everyone I know
Is finally
Getting the help
And love
They deserve
Because they've finally
Grabbed the rope
To get out of
This pit
And to finally
Be happy

And I don't know
What I'm doing
Wrong

Or why
I can't seem to
Grab onto
The rope
Dangling right infront
Of my
Eyes.

-e.w.

I hit,
Scratch,
Cut

At all the imperfections that line my body.

There is a monster
Swimming around
Bumping into my organs
Scratching up my insides

It gets stronger every day
Wanting to get out

It points out the flaws
Makes me weak
Shreds up my hope

I'm weak.

I lay in bed at night
Pondering the thought of sleep
Deep, deep sleep

Thinking if I had the courage to,
I would be long gone by now

But something makes me hold on
I don't know what it is;

But some days,
I wish it would just let go.

-e.w.

I've tried not to feel like this
I've tried not to let it get to me
but every time her name is brought up
or you say you're with her

it's like my heart drops
and I want to curl up in a ball
and not talk to anyone or do anything

I completely shut down

because my mind races with thoughts
of you and her

and I feel like the more you're with her,
the more I'm losing you

-e.w.

After almost a year
Of carrying around this
Weight
I came out to the two people
Who are closest to me

And now,
I think I'm the happiest
I've ever been

-e.w.

I'm 15
And yet
I still cry
Like a baby
When we drive you
To the airport
For yet another
Business trip

And I remember
When I was
Just 9
And you
Went away
For a year
And it was like
A part of me
Was taken away

So now
Whenever you leave
I'm always afraid
You'll never come
Back.

-e.w.

I'm so used to
Being 2nd choice
To you,
To him,
To her,
To Everyone
It's just an
Ongoing event
Where I don't matter
Nearly as much
As the next
Person.

-e.w.

You used to look at me like I was
everything to you

now do you ever even look at me
at all?

-e.w.

you told me you still love me
you still care
you still want to try

but all I feel is numb
towards you
towards this

you've made me numb
and feel even more miserable
than I think I've ever been

please make the hurt stop
you're slowly killing me
and you don't even care to notice

-e.w.

you stopped asking how I was
so I stopped talking

you stopped saying nice things to me
so I distanced myself

you stopped putting me first
so I ripped myself apart

you stopped calling me beautiful
so I stopped trying to be

you stopped caring
so I showed you I was better at not caring

you stopped loving me
so I wound up here, crying my eyes out
wishing I could disappear

-e.w.

Tonight I
Wrote those notes
That family and friends
Always find
Once their loved one
Has been long
Gone from this
world.
I wrote it
With such ease
And it seemed to come
Naturally
As I started out with
A simple
"Dear Dad"
Or,
"Dear brother"
Or,
"Dear best friend"
And the words
Seemed to slip out
Like I had
Been keeping it hidden
Under my tongue
All this
Time.

-e.w.

I try to write poems
Filled with love and daffodils
And pretty ****

But all that comes out
Are the lies that I'm hiding
And the things
Behind the mask


I try to write poems
About how I once loved a boy
Who loved me back
And we were beautiful

But that would be a lie
Because I have always been the one
Who loved
And got nothing in return


I try to write poems about happiness
About how I love life
Grateful for every breath

But that would be a lie
Because at night
When there's no one there to help
The depression creeps up
Like an old friend that I've tried to ignore

Oh, I swear
I've tried to ignore.

-e.w.

They say cigarettes shorten your life
Like it's a bad thing

To put that nicotine
Between your lips
As the smoke slowly slips away

But they say it's a bad thing,
That we'll lose 10, 12, 15 years

So I would smoke more
20, 30, 40 packs a day

Anything to lose those years

Because what if I'm done with all of this?
The party has gone on too long

And I want to go home.

-e.w.

I crave the feeling
Of being numb

So I wouldn't have to sit here
At 8:52 at night
Wishing I were gone

Wishing I could go away
Or go home

Because I can't handle
This sadness
That never,
And I mean never,
Goes away

I promise you
I'm trying to battle through it

But when I can't
Think of a reason
Why I should stay

I think of all the reasons why I
Shouldn't

-e.w.

The sound pounds through my body
Shaking my bones,
Rattling my heart

I'm inches away
From the man singing the words
That speak to me

He looks at me
As the words transfer through the mic
Swimming straight to
My rattling ear drums

I beg for the night to go on forever
For this moment
To never end

I want him to keep singing

Because with every lyric
I fall more in love
With the music

That fills my aching bones.

-e.w.

"Things change,
people change"
I've heard this over and over
but god,
I really didn't want this
or you
to change

-e.w.

I'm done.
And I know
I've said it
Over and over
But this time
I think
I mean it
Because I'm
Too stupid,
Too ugly,
Too broken,
And too
Done
To be here
Anymore.

-e.w.

16 years
16 years I've been breathing
Or, for the past few,
Trying my best to breathe

I cling to the blade
That for the past few years
Has been my only friend

I would've liked nothing more
Than to not make it
To my
"Sweet 16"

I don't want to be here
I don't think I ever have

There's nothing left for me
Can't I go home?

-e.w.

You saw
The thin scars
That line
About halfway
Up my wrist
And how
4 or 5
Were still
Swollen
And red
From two
Nights before.
We were at
Dinner,
But I saw the look
That petrified
Your face
As my sleeve
Inched up
And as your eyes
Examined them
Carefully.
You seemed sad
But you didn't
Say a word,
You just quickly
Changed the subject
As I felt like
Crying.

But it's been
Five days now
And you haven't
Confronted me
About the battle
Going on
On my pale wrist

But you've been
More considerate
And nicer
And actually
Made me feel
Like you're
Worried about me
Like you realize
That just because
I act tough
And strong
That may be
The farthest from the
Truth.

-e.w.

I thought I finally found someone
who fit me perfectly
and who would honestly be there
no matter what
but now I'm sitting here on my bathroom floor
for the 7th time this week
crying my eyes out
wanting it all to go away
wanting it all to end
because you told me you'd listen
you told me you'd love me
you told me you'd never leave

if all that's true,
where are you?

-e.w.

i ****** up my hands
hoping to feel something,
anything
but I'm still empty and numb
and want to keep punching walls
until the bones are
shattered

-e.w.

there's
always
days
like
this
where
i
wish
i
didn't
exist.

-e.w.

You tell me
That I'm "pretty",
Inside and
Out

But you don't
Realize
How hard
It is for me
To actually take these words
To heart

Because once,
A beautiful boy
Who's eyes
Were as blue
As the ocean
Told me
That I was the
Most beautiful girl
He had ever seen

Coincidentally,
Just two weeks later
There was another
Blonde hair,
Green eyed "beauty"
That I was
Replaced with

Because guess what?
I wasn't pretty enough
I wasn't nice enough
I wasn't good enough.

Because I am
Never
Good enough.

And trust me,
I know
I never will be.

-e.w.

I sit here alone,
17 minutes until midnight,
Wondering why the hell
I was ever put in this ******* world
Because I know so many people
Who would love to see me
Just disappear

And trust me,
I wish I could.

-e.w.

You have
Her
And I have
No one.

While one month ago
I thought
I had
You.

But I was stupid
And naive,
Once again,
So I fell for you
A beautiful
Blued eyed boy.

Because I thought
For just
One moment
You could've been
Different.

-e.w.

I told you
You would get sick of me
You would say that I
"Need help"
When really all I need
Is you to talk to me and make sure
I get to tomorrow

But no
My depression has now
Crawled to the surface
And can be seen
By everyone who dares to
Look

And now
You look at me
Like I'm a monster
Like I want to be this way
Like I meant to hurt you
I never wanted this
I promise I didn't

I promise
I promise
I promise

Please stay

Please
Please
Please

-e.w.

You said
Tomorrow is a new day
That we can leave
All our baggage
Behind us
And start over

And that hit me
Because those are the words
I've been dying
To hear

And of course
It came from the man
Who had been singing on stage
And keeping me alive
And letting me know

I am never
Alone.

-e.w.

I want you
So bad
But yet
I don't want
To ruin this
Like I do
Everything else.

-e.w.

I'm a failure
A ****-up
I'm someone
Who will never get anywhere
With this stupid thing
Called life

Because I'm getting
That terrible
C- in Chemistry
Because I've never been good
At science

And I missed
Working on the project today
With my group
Who probably thinks
That I'm lazy now
Because somehow
It totally slipped my mind

I try my hardest
But things slip my mind
And I'm not the best
At science
Or math

But my dad
Expects so much of me
And my brain
Races with this idea
That I could actually
Turn out okay
That I could
End up leaving this hell
Called high school
And go to college
And be smart

But then I have
Days like this
Where I forget something
And that whole
Idea
Crumbles to the
Ground.

-e.w.

I wish I had you back
So I could text you
When I feel like
Leaving this world

Because you were the only one
Who could text me
And say to go to bed
Before I did anything
I might regret
And I would,
Just for you

But now
I'm stuck here
Alone
Because you found
Someone else

And I try,
Oh I try,
To hate you
For doing that to me
For just leaving me
Like I was
Nothing

And when my thoughts
Haunt all my dreams
And nightmares
That now become
Reality

You're not there

And maybe,
You never were

-e.w.

Sometimes I feel like maybe
You actually realize that I'm having
A harder time with "growing up"
Than you did

Because you go on and on
About how you were the most
Perfect
Kid in the whole world

Because you got A's
All through school
And you had friends
That adored you
And you collected
Those **** records
That you probably love
More than anything

And besides having terrible parents
That were always drunk
You were a perfect kid
Who lost his hair at 5
And that didn't phase you because
You knew you had potential
To do whatever you wanted
As long as you got perfect grades
And as long as you were
Perfect

But you don't understand
That sometimes (most of the time)
I feel like I am the person in the world
With the absolute least amount of potential

But you don't understand
Because you were perfect
And in your daughter's eyes,
I see it and
Know it's true.

I listened
To that song on
Repeat
Because somehow
It reminded me of
You
And just like
That song
I can't get you
Out of my
Head.

-e.w.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm such a ******* mess
I'm sorry I bring you down
I'm sorry my head gets to me
and tells me you're going to leave
because everyone always does
I'm sorry I'm not what you hoped for
I'm sorry I'm not what you deserve
I'm sorry you love me
but please just stop
and save yourself

before I tear you apart too

-e.w.

I know
I keep saying it
Over and over
That this
Is it
Tonight
Is the night
And then
I find out
I'm not strong enough.

But hopefully
Tonight will be
The night
And I won't
Have to see
Your face tomorrow
Or
Ever again

And I won't
Have to fake
That terrible smile
That fades
Into tears
Every
*******
Night

Because I can't
Take any of this
Anymore

I've lost myself
I'm a mess
And I will never
Be able
To untangle
The poisonous weeds
Wrapped around my
Heart
And my weak
Soul.

-e.w.

I keep crying
and I can't seem to stop

I thought I was doing better
I thought I was okay
I thought I had dug myself out of the never ending hole
but I got ****** back in

and this time you're not even trying to help

-e.w.

I'm so scared
That you won't
Think about me
As you lie awake
Restless
5 years from now
Because I tried
To give you everything
But you
Denied me
And I became
A mere
Nothing
To you

And I say
I'm over you,
I'm over this
But the truth is
You meant
A lot
To me
So I can't
Get over you
As quickly
As I want
Or,
As quickly
As my heart
Needs.

-e.w.

People don't really know
Anything about me
Except that I have blonde hair
Green/blue eyes
And fingernails
Bitten down
To the nub
From the anxiety
That course through
My veins.

But really
There is much more to me
Than meets the eye

Because I have moved
About a gazillion times
From Florida,
To Utah
To California
Back to Utah
To this cold wasteland
They call Idaho

I never really let anyone in
Because I never
Have time to
Because I'll be somewhere
For a year,
Maybe two,
And then get up
And leave to another place
With millions of new faces
That most I will never
Get to meet.

That my parents
Live in separate houses
And had this thing called
"Divorce"
Which keeps them a state away
Because my mom
Back stabs everyone she meets
And is the most negative person
I have ever met.
And this is why I live
With my Dad
Whom I adore
Because he has been through
So much
And is still here.

That just a year ago
I dreamt of being famous
And standing on a stage
Singing my heart out
Doing what I loved
And yes I say loved
Because it was an old dream
One that I realized
Was not a dream
I could make
Reality.

That my favorite color
Is teal
Because of the boy's eyes
That I fell for
Or maybe
It reminded me of the ocean
And how I longed
To live there one day
And get to stand in
California
Because somehow I think
I belong there
Belong with the ocean
And the palm trees
And maybe they have
Better people than here.

That I would do anything
To get away from
This stupid town
Because every time I move
It's just onto
Another stupid town
I want to just buy a plane ticket
And fly to California
Or somewhere
Far, far away.

Because I can't stand
Living somewhere
That I hate

Because I want to be
Happy.

And guess what?

Three more years
And I can finally leave

To where I can forget
About moving so much

To where I can maybe
Get attached to people
And not have to leave

To where I don't have
To think about
The woman who raised me
Turned into this monster
Who I never thought
She could become.

To where I can
Move onto a new dream
One that I can
Really make
Reality.

So this is me
Sumed up in this
Confusing and
Long poem

So now I'll be done
With who I am

Who are you?

-e.w.

You make me
Sick to my
Stomach
Yet I feel
Right at
Home
When you speak
Even one word
To me.

Because your presence
Can either
Make me feel
Like I want to die
Or like
I want to be
Around,
Hopefully with you,
Forever.

You either
Make me feel
Like I'm the most
Worthless
Person in the
Whole world
Or like
I'm the one
Who matters
Most to you.

And I don't
Understand
How someone
Like me
Could love and
Hate someone
So much

And that
Someone
Is you.

-e.w.

I haven't felt like
Myself lately
I've felt
Different

Because I've gone through
Stages
From my innocent little girl phase
To a person who was
Bombarded
With the things of this cruel world
And had to feel everything
So strongly
To a girl who is
Emotionless
To everything

Because I don't feel
An ache
Or a break
In this fragile heart
Deep in my chest anymore

I feel nothing

And something drastic could happen
And I know
I would still feel
Nothing

-e.w.

There’s nothing left
I’ve come down to the end
I’ve fought my war long enough

I can feel death’s fingers
Wrap around my neck with ease
I’m losing my breath

Why can’t it be over?
Why can’t I just end it?

There’s a bottle of pills on my counter
With my name labeled across it
Begging me to gulp them down

There’s a bottle of alcohol
Next to the pills
Begging for me to take a few sips

But why is it so hard?

It would take 60 seconds
60 seconds for my body to collapse
Fade away

I would love that
It would be an escape
An escape from this hell

People don’t even try to help
I suffer
In silence

I’m sorry I’m like this
I really am
But the depression is the sea

And I am forever drowning in it

-e.w.