All I want
Is for this
******* headache
To leave me alone
Because for the past
Year and a half
The only pain
I ever feel
Is the one
Residing in my
Head

-e.w.

Please give me
The strength
I need
To end everything
Tonight
Because no one
Will care
And no one
Will notice
As I am
Gone from this
World
Because you all
Will go about
Your normal lives
As I disappear
In the blink of an
Eye.

-e.w.

I felt comfort when
you said I was
always on your mind,
always on the tip of your tongue
always the one you wanted
in your arms

and I hope
it stays that way

-e.w.

The horrors fill
Each inch
Of my shaking body
As I think about the future
And how I don't think
I'll be able to make it
That far
Because one after another
My demons
Come to see me
One by one
Like an assembly line
Of my deepest
Fears.

-e.w.

These plain white
Hospital walls
Linger through my mind
As the IV in my arm
Pumps me full of sleepy
Drugs

Your voice lingers in my
Ears

Telling me your disappointed
Telling me I should have told
Someone,
Anyone

But who would listen?

I'm in this state
Of never ending
Sadness

You tell me
"I'll get over it"
That it's
"Just a phase"

Then this must be
The longest phase
In existence

You tell them I don't need help
I don't need medication

But I crave it
Because maybe
It could finally give me a
Relief

But I leave this place
With nothing more
Then when I came

And leaving with nothing solved
Coming home with just
Your disappointment
Towards
Me

-e.w.

I wish you would just
Disappear
Like I wish
I could

Because your face
Isn't nice
To see
When I'm trying
My hardest
To get over you
Because I know
You don't like me
And I know
I never meant
Anything
To you

But how do you
Get over someone
Who was never
Yours?

-e.w.

I talked to you
about all the mixed up stuff
kept away in my
head

You were understanding
and helpful
and it was great
And I felt
much better than usual

You helped me so much
when I thought you would
get mad

But you didn't

And I'm so thankful
for everything you do

-e.w.

I breathe you in
Like a puff of stale
Cigarette smoke

You fill my lungs
With confusion
And a hint of
Regret

Because part of me wishes
I would never have
Met you

But part of you lingers,
Like the smell of cigarettes
On a chain smoker,
Stained all over my body

-e.w.

I hate  
When people
Make these rude
Comments like
"Anxiety isn't a big
deal. Just be
calm."
Or,
"Depression isn't real,
You just need to be
happy."
Or,
"Mental illness' are just
excuses for lazy
people."

Because these people
Don't understand
How terrible
Anxiety can be
And how it can leave you
Paralyzed.

Or how monstrous
Depression can be
And how
The demons will visit
Late into the
Night
Or even say hello
When the sun
Is still in the
Sky

Or how
Any mental illness
Can leave you
Shaking to the
Bone
Or crying
All the time
Or leaving you
Feeling like no one
Cares.

Because it's not just an
"Excuse."

-e.w.

I hate
Every inch
Of this *******
Skin
That I live
In

And that's why
If you talk to me
Late into the horrible,
Terrifying
Nights

My face will be
Streamed with
Black lines

As my cheeks
Are as red
As the liquid
Dripping from my
Innocent wrists.

-e.w.

"Well I could be
Angry,
But you're
Not worth the
Fight."

I adore this lyric
Because it shows
That when you're
Angry
At someone
You need to let it
Go
Because it's
Not worth
Your happiness

So don't be
Angry
Smile at people
Who hurt you
Because it'll
Hurt them
In the long run.

-e.w.

I'm on the edge

Wishing that you'd come along
With a strong rope
That could help me up

I promised myself
I would never ask for help

But I'm too far gone,
Too weak
To not ask

I'm scared,
Petrified
Sitting here
Wishing that I could find the gun
And pull the trigger
With one motion
Of my shaking finger

Because if someone,
Anyone,
Doesn't come
And save me

I don't think
I'll be here

To see the lovely sunrise
Tomorrow morning

I don't know what to do
when I get like this
when I feel like collapsing
and relapsing
and I can't catch my *******
breath

-e.w.

You remembered.

Somehow with keeping up
With all of your
"Friends"
You remembered
That my sister
Wasn't doing too well
And that
I
Wasn't doing too well

But I knew
By your voice
And movement
That you
Honestly didn't care
That you just
Wanted to seem
Friendly

And all these
Small acts of
friendliness
Are the things
That keep making fall
When I've almost
Gotten over
You.

-e.w.

Falling for people I can't have
has kinda become a hobby of mine

either in the sense where
they'll never like me in that way
or where they're thousands of miles away

it's almost like my heart yearns
for the chance to be broken
or be ripped to shreds
by the inevitable that's yet to come

because I can't touch them,
or hold them,
or kiss them,
or mark them with a simple thing like
holding hands, saying
"this is mine
and I love it so"

Maybe I'm doomed forever
to want everything I can't have
or be stuck with all this love to give

but no one to give it to.

-e.w.

I've been ****** up
and ****** over
for as long as I can remember

you took this little girl
who had hope in everything
and turned her into a resentful, anxious, depressed girl
who lost hope in everything

including herself

-e.w.

I'm always one
for running out of words to say
or forgetting how to speak
I want to be noticed
or listened to
someone to hear me out
with the blabbering that escapes my lips.
I'm always one
for being invisible
or fading into the back drop
because I never speak up
but I don't think anyone would care
anyway.
I'm always one
for craving attention
not the "center of the attention" attention
just the
"I'd care if you were gone" attention
but yet

I'm always one
to be forgotten.

-e.w.

I can feel you losing interest
I can feel you leaving
or, at least,
wanting to

I know I'm hard to deal with
I know I get so sad that everything hurts
I know I get so sad that I hurt everyone
but I swear I love you

But I understand if you need to go
because there's someone out there
who's going to treat you exactly how you should be
someone who doesn't get sad
and push you away
someone who can handle the world
and doesn't think about leaving constantly

I understand if you don't love me anymore
I don't either

-e.w.

I had been clean
From the red lines
That cover my arms
That appear
Each time the voices
In my head
Get louder
And meaner

I had been clean
For 2 weeks
An all time
Record
For me

But I broke

I broke because
The voices filled my mind
With evil and
Self-loathing
Thoughts
And I just couldn't
Handle it

And somewhere
Deep in my dying heart
I deserve it.

-e.w.

My family and friends
Call me a grandma
Because I normally am asleep by 9
At the latest

But when my mind
Cant stop thinking
About you
And I have this stupid smile
Stuck on my face
From your jokes and
Telling me about all the things
I should stay alive for

My head just won't let me sleep
Because it's too busy
Trying to figure out how I got
So lucky.

-e.w.

You make me feel
Like there is
Something wrong
With me

Because you
Told me
You liked me
And that you would
Do all of these things
With me
And told me
I was the most
Beautiful girl
You have ever seen

You made me feel
For once
In my life
That I actually
Mattered to
Someone
That someone actually
Cared enough
To text me back
Or worry
How I was doing

But I realized
It was all
Just another game;
I turned into
Putty in your hands
And I let you
Play and tear
At the strings
Of my heart
And at the strings
Of what was
Keeping me
Alive

So, guess what?

*******.

-e.w.

I was 6
when my best friend  
left me sitting on the trampoline
as he ran to play with someone else
and I cried and
I was shattered

I was 10
when my parents told me
their marriage had run it's course
but things would
"stay the same"
but I quietly cried and
I was shattered

I was 13
when I first left a scar
on my own body,
hating who I had become
and as the blood dripped
I didn't cry but
I was shattered

I was 14
when my own mother
acted like our relationship had run it's course
and she kicked me out
and she never said sorry
and I tried not to cry but
I was shattered

I was 15
when I realized I was a different
because I liked the girl in my math class
who looked like she could make flowers grow
with her smile
and people told me it wasn't right
and "why me?" ran through my head
and I was scared
and I cried quietly and
I was shattered

Now I'm 16
and I've never had my first kiss
and all my friends run around kissing boys
like we're all gonna die tomorrow
and date guys for fun
just for something to do
and I wonder what's wrong with me
and I cry and
I'm shattered

I'm 16
and school doesn't come easy
like it used to
I was honor roll
and I skipped a grade
and I was a "star student"
because I knew how to make essays flow
and solve that simple math equation
or know the president's order
but my brain's fried
and all the motivation I had has disappeared without a trace
and my dad yells at me for my falling grades
and I don't cry but
I'm shattered

I'm 16
and I smile to avoid the constant
"are you okay?" and "what's wrong?"
because my head is such a mess
I don't even know what's wrong
as I dig a little deeper
and watch my skin drip red
and wonder where I went wrong
and I hold back tears and
I'm shattered

I'm 16
and I'm trying to be happy
I'm trying to be happy
I'm trying to be happy
and I can't cry and
I'm putting myself back together.

-e.w.

I can feel myself change
when the depression leeches onto my heart
and my head

it ***** the life out of me
and leaves me with nothing left
except this hollow heart
and useless corpse
that I constantly want to destroy

-e.w.

I have this thing
Growing deep inside me
Coursing through my veins
Like a ****

It's attached to my heart
Making me emotionless,
helpless, heartless

Because it's eating away
At the beating thing
That keeps me breathing
And keeps me going
But it's slowly getting
Smaller

-e.w.

I have this horrible feeling
Deep inside my
Stomach
That without me
You might do something
Drastic
And without you
I'm feeling
Like I may do the
Same

Because you're my
Bestest friend
In the entire
World
And I'm so sorry
That I moved
To another stupid state
Just 3 hours
Away from you

Because it's so hard
For me
To see you like this
And I feel like
It's all my fault
Because I left
When I feel like
Without you
I may attempt
To be gone
Forever.

-e.w.

I'm hoping
One of these days
That when I sleep
For hours on end
I won't wake up
Because maybe
My brain will forget
How to breath
While my mind
Drifts to different dreams
And maybe
I won't have to
Face another dreadful
Day

And maybe,
Just maybe,
You'll miss me.

-e.w.

You've replaced me,
Yet you tell me
I'm your
Best friend
But I know
I'm not
Because you talk
So highly
Of those
Other girls
And say that
You think they're
Hilarious
And say that
They're your
Best friend
When talking to them

And you don't
Understand
How much
That hurts
Because I am
3 hours away
From you,
But I still
Try my hardest
To keep being
Your best friend
Because you're the
Only one
That understands
Even a sliver
Of me
And I'm the
Only one
Who understands
Even a sliver
Of you

And I can't
Take it
If you leave
Too.

-e.w.

I took the first step
Today

Telling myself
I don't need you
To be happy

Because I see you smiling
With your friends
And other girls
While I'm all alone
Dying inside

But then it hit me

I'm better than this
And I don't need
An *******
Of a guy
To make me feel
Like maybe I can continue
Living

Because I feel like dying
21/7
And I don't need you
To be the one
Making me go
Closer to the edge

Instead of trying to
Save me.

-e.w.

what hurts the most
is looking back to how it used to be
when I was happy
when you were happy
when everything was beautiful
and nothing hurt
but now everything hurts
and I can't stand to talk to you
or even think about you

and yet,
you're still the only thing on my
mind

-e.w.

I know I shouldn't worry
because I trust you more than anyone

but when she's over there
and I'm no where near

and she could hold you
and give you everything you deserve
and I can't even see you face to face

maybe she's better for you
than I'll ever be

-e.w.

Please forgive me
If the only words you hear from me
Are sad and depressing
Things

Because all that courses through
These dying veins anymore
Is the evil that comes
From my aching heart

I do not know
Happiness

And happiness
Is not a friend of
Mine.

-e.w.

I told myself that I could handle this
that I'd make it
that I'd be fine
but my eyes have been overflowing with tears
the past 24 hours
and my wrists burn
and my head aches
and I'm back to not wanting to make it to
tomorrow

-e.w.

Right now
The only thing
I want to do
Is just sit here
And not worry about
One
****
Thing

-e.w.

I've never had drugs
Even close to me

But when this sadness
Doesn't seem to leave,
My mind wanders places
Where I could see myself

Taking a drag from that cigarette,
Pumping the liquid through my veins,
Or pressing it to my tongue

Anything,
To take away this pain

Take away this pain
From always being second best
Or being ignored

I would do anything

Anything,
To just be okay.

-e.w.

We fought
and fought
thinking it was just
petty little fights
But you were different
than when we first met

Saying things like
"I would die if you ever left me"
or
"We're soulmates and we'll never
break up"

And hey,
months ago I was naive
and stupid
and thought maybe that was true

But you said
the nastiest things to me
Making me feel worse than I did
without you

Telling me
No one else would ever "stick around"
Telling me
I need help

I ended it
because I waited for an
apology
that never came

And maybe it's for the
best

Because I was never one for
forgiving
And you were never good with
apologies.

-e.w.

you don't talk about her
as much as you used to
but

I still worry

I'm trying to not
think about it too much
but

I still worry

I try not to think that
you're going to leave
but

I still worry

I think about you with her
and I try not to get upset
because I trust you

I trust you
I trust you
I trust you

but god,
maybe I'm just trying to
convince myself that I do

-e.w.

I don't know what's wrong with me
because you make me so happy
but right now
I can feel the tears swelling up
in my eyes
because I get these bursts
of complete unhappiness
and I can't control it
and I know I'm not good enough
and I'm so scared you'll find someone new
because it'd be so easy
to find someone better
and I'm sorry I get so sad
and all I want is for you to hold me
and make everything okay
but you can't
because you're over there
and I'm way over
here.

-e.w.

I have this
Reaccuring dream
That you won't
Make it
To my wedding
Or even
My graduation
And it
Haunts me
Because I honestly
Don't think
I can make it
Without you

Because you're my
Favorite person
To talk to
And you're the man
That raised me

But with
All your
Diseases
Coursing through
Your heavy heart

And how you
Snore
Louder than
A cow
When you sleep.
And when
I was younger
I thought it was
Annoying and
Sleep depriving for me
But you told me,
Like it was
No big deal,
That one day
You may never
Wake up
Because the
Snoring means
That you can't breathe
When you sleep

And the
Doctors say
And you predict
You may not
Make it
Too much
Longer.

-e.w.

You told me
That you're so much
Happier

Because you have
That new trainer
Who's going to
Help you
Lose the weight
Because you say you're
Fat

Because your parents
Saw the scars
That cover your left
Wrist
So they are trying
To lighten up
On you

Because your parents
Are being nicer
About your grades
So you won't have so much
Stress

Because they finally
Noticed
That you were
Close to the
Edge.

And I am so
Sorry
Because I sit here
And talk to you
Saying how
Happy I am
For you

When in reality
I'm not.

Because now
You're just like
The rest of them
Telling me that it's
Easy
To get over
This seed of
Sadness
That grew deep
Inside me
And won't seem
To stop
Growing.

Because I am
Happy for you
That is was
Easy
Because you're
My best friend
And I love you

But no one
Realizes
That I am slowly
Dying inside
Day by day
And that I am
Quietly pleading
For help

And you
Don't understand
That I may
Never
Get past this.

-e.w.

to the blue eyed boy
who used to consume every piece
of my writing,
who introduced me to the band
that saved my life,
who made me feel
a little less lonely

save a spot for me on the other side
and rest easy,
okay?

-e.w.

The only reason
That I am still
Barely breathing
Is so that you won't
Be disappointed
If I ever were
To leave
Because in my mind
Disappointment is far worse
Than the meanest anger
Or the depressing sadness
Because the only thing
That I have left
Is what people think about
Me.
So I want to be
Honest and kind
And someone who
Someone else
Is proud of
Because in my mind
That is the
Greatest honor.

So please know
That if I ever
Were to leave

Please do not be
Disappointed
Or I may be
Even sadder
Lying six feet
Under.

-e.w.

I let my mind race
and I let the thoughts seep into everything I am
and I let them control me

because I'm not strong enough
to block out the things that are probably true

and I'm not strong enough
to love you without doubting it

-e.w.

I lied
Telling you
That we're not friends
And that
Your friend
Is "hotter" than you
Because somehow
I wanted to make you
Feel how I do

And when you joked
Saying that
I was your girlfriend
Because you got
Defensive
When your friend said it
I smiled
So wide
But I then was hit
With the realization
That you
Already have a
Girlfriend
And that I am
Just another girl
That will never
Mean anything more
To you
Then just as a
Friend.

Or,
Whatever the hell
This is
Between us.

-e.w.

you scare me
you scare me so ******* much
because when I think about you
I think about all the crazy things
I would do with
and for you

-e.w.

I'm not ready
to give this up

because yeah,
you're hundreds of miles away
but I swear you're worth it

because you make me
look forward to tomorrow
and send me texts
that make it a little easier to wake up

because your smile
makes me smile like an idiot
and makes me
want to hold you forever and
make sure that smile never disappears

because you make me feel things
that I've never felt before
like these butterflies
that never leave my stomach
or when my eyes light up
when I think about you

because I've finally found something
worth waking up for
and something I'm scared as hell
to lose

and that's
you.

-e.w.

everyday
I
wait
for
hope
that
will
never
come

-e.w.