My nails are yellowing
And my skin is sagging
At 16 I already look like I’m dying
I’m only 16, why do I look like I’m dying
I’d tell you it’s not fair
But I’m the one who built my life to be like this
Like a supernova
A dead star that no one on earth can see for years
Sometimes centuries
I’ve built my life so I won’t be recognized until years later
But I’m not dying for the recognition.
Like Van Gogh
I’m dying because the no matter the meaning I create
I can’t feel it anymore
He would eat yellow paint to feel sunshine on the inside
And I’ll swallow fire to feel something warm
I’m tired
I’m tired of people pretending any of this is beautiful
What I’m feeling is the furthest thing from beautiful
I’m tired of it raining while the sun’s out
I’m tired of people asking me how am and not waiting around for the answer
So I’m telling you right now
I haven’t been good in awhile
Thanks for asking.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust
My lungs are slowly blackening
With my accumulating cigarette butts
They tell me it's stupid
"Do you want to die?"
I just blow smoke in their face and say
"It may be suicide, but it makes me feel alive."
They'll wrinkle the nose at my smell
Walk away in disgust
And I'll just burn up my body
Until I return to dust

In my family mental illness isn’t a question of
“Will I or won’t I?”
It’s a question of
“When and how badly?’
Because in my family mental illness isn’t a question
It’s a promise
It’s a promise that you hope someone will break
And you realize that life after 20 isn’t a guarantee
Because it’s a question of
“Will I bury my parents or will my parents bury me?”
Because if the mental illness doesn’t **** you
It’ll be the cancer
Or the diabetes
Or maybe the heart disease
But in my family making it to 80 is something
Only two people have seen
And you learn to stop asking questions
And in my family
You learn to laugh while you can
And to smile in the rain
To drink while it’s legal
And to die at inconvenient times
Like before weddings
And graduations
And birthdays
And you learn to stop asking whose coming
And stop sending out invitations
And just hope someone is alive to see you
Dying

I knew it was you
Your soul was inscribed on mine
The man I envisioned,
I knew you were the one
The man I dreamed of
I have always known you.
Though only recently saw your face
Your smile, your touch,
The way you calm and inspire me
I always knew it was you
Even when I didn't yet know
Just who you were

Suddenly, there's reality, harsh,painful reality. At that moment you
realize how stupid and desperate you are. And then you intend to
forget him/her , to do normal again. And you are really trying that, really.
Until the dreams and the hope tap on your shoulder.

They once called me crazy
I've since been deemed sane

Is it insanity
When I call out your name

In the middle of the night
Alone in my bed

My heart it bleeds sorrow
I can't hear your name

It drives me to madness
I'm going insane

I can't call you up
I can't knock on your door

Each time I think of you
I'm wanting you more

I wake in the darkness
A terrible fright

I don't feel any warmth now
I can't see the light

I try to forgive you
I try to let go

I still think about you
I thought you should know

I stand up
Leave a rose on your stone

Say my goodbyes
And walk myself home