Our ancestors' DNA
altered our own

I bet
My ancestors
were runners

Maybe they
ran from lions
ran from fire,
ran from fear

Sometimes
I have the urge to run
I would be sitting in class
And it would suddenly hit


My fears are indescribable,
Unspecified

I run
from conformity
from reality
I run towards habit,
I run back home

Reverting
to my old ways

Falling
in the same hole,
black hole

I run
because I don't know
how else
to silence my brain

It yells so loudly sometimes
Sends impulses
Stronger than lightening
And my muscles shiver

I can't stand still
whilst self destructing

I need to know
That I've tried

I have tried
To fix myself
In the only ways
I know would work

Even if they are
The same ways
That ruin me

My mother
loves remembering dates

She counts how old I am
in days and tells me
that she loves me

In moments like this
regression feels like
the only way out

As a new child is born
an older sibling
will start wetting the bed again
Trying... hoping.. to go back


He left me
On February 17th

When people ask
how many years its been
I'd like to answer them in seconds

Sometimes
I write February 17th on November
I don't do it on purpose

I really...
don't think
I've lived
A second without you

Repeating
the same mistakes.

Everyday
feels I'm speeding
on a roundabout

Physics might disagree,
but I think if I speed enough,
I can crash into my past self;
stop her from ever starting
this vicious cycle.

I wonder
why it all started

what made me ride a ferris wheel
when I was afraid of heights?

was it the idea
of a view?
missing out on something I never knew?

The first time,
height was just a dimension
I felt limitless;
I discovered a new invention.

The view wasn't green grass,
or blue skies
it was a dark beard
and blue eyes

I thought to myself
"I never want this to stop"
so I got into my car
and tied my hands
to the wheel

he sat in the passenger's seat,
smirking at my addiction.
I thought his smiling,
was a happiness depiction.

with time
it started feeling consuming,
the fear of crashing;

I wasn't afraid of dying,
I was afraid of killing
the only person
who made me feel alive

.
.
.

Today,
I'm in a speeding car
driving in circles

In the passenger's seat,
is a bag of *****
and he's nowhere to be seen

I am still not afraid of dying,
but I choose to live

Light layers
of insecurities
to a core
of susceptibility

Color me
see through
but dress me
in colors

I have not learned
how to explain
this kind of pain

Nothing hurts
but everything
feels like its
about to implode

So many times
I've slept
with the words
still inside me

I thought I was
letting go

Now
I wake up
with reflux,
burning like shame

I was too unwilling
to ask for forgiveness
so I slept
with my mistakes

Feels
like a volcano
on the verge
of eruption

Sadness
fills the gaps
of your teeth
as you smile

Mixtures
of epiphanies

And the scariest of all
is extreme loneliness,

The fact that you will
live through everyone
leaving you

Emptiness
feels a lot
like acceptance

Expectations
May be the root
of all heartache

And heartache, to me
Always felt like heartburn
My body screaming words
I never said

Lose yourself
To a sea of weakness
But be sure
No one
Is swimming

Rid yourself of the things
you think you need

Throw letters
that once meant everything

Severed ties
Could only go weaker

Time spent in company
Should never feel
Like sacrifice