i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

broken windshield glass and a beautiful boy
how many more tears can be shed?
crying during a volleyball game is just the beginning
i like to think you were standing still in a
white room
with Him
being touched by all the angels
being held by God himself
you are holy
and righteous
and true
these are the times the try men's souls
we walk around in agony
you're watching from above
this is all for you can't you see?
we're mourning for ourselves
because truth be told you're laughing
and watching football with great grandad
i wonder if your arms were open
to death i mean
did you feel it coming fast?
did your last seven seconds play a slideshow
of everyone you loved?
i wonder what your last words were
something as little as "cool"
it's haunting me and all i see is your
shing face above
and with open arms
i moved on

I am writing this letter to you because you don’t know what you did to me. You ruined me. In more ways than one. I am a mess and I blame this all on you. You are sick and wrong and cold. I hope one day you realize what you’ve done and it tears you apart. I could sit here and write out a list of things I wish upon you, but instead I just want to say I hope you get what you deserve.
There is something to be said about me wanting you to take my innocence, but in the end I said no. You kept going. Pushing my hands above my head, I was crying and you were satisfied. I can not stand my body because you touched it. You made me feel like a dog. You have no idea what I feel or what I’ve done to try and get back at myself for your wrongdoings. No. **** that. They weren’t wrongdoings, they were ****** up actions that made you seem in power. Stop blaming other people for things that you caused. You are sick. Completely and utterly, disgusting. I wish you were dead because maybe then I would finally have peace.
I have given my body to a handful of boys after you and what the **** am i supposed to do when all of them remind me of you? You make me ill. So ******* ill. I hope you have nightmares about how disgusting you are, because you are a pig. A vile, vile pig. You will never ever know what I am thinking and that tears me the **** apart. I drive by your house twice a week just to see if your car is outside so I can slash the tires.
As much as I wish you were dead, I wish I was dead. I wish this never would’ve happened to me. I wish I never would’ve gotten in the car with you. Wish I never said yes then no. You ruined my life. Until you understand what you’ve done, you will never know how it feels.
Rot in Hell.

i hate you
i hate every fake smile i received from you
i hate the way you held my hand in your car
i hate your hair and your stupid cleft chin
i hate the way you talk
i hate the way you don't talk
i hate when you walk into a room and expect recognition
i hate that your eyes cross when looking at a girl walk by
i hate that you tell me i'm wrong
and stupid
and UNWILLING TO CHANGE
i only want to change if you're out of the equation
your face makes me sick
your voice makes me sick
your stupid way of expressing your feelings make me sick
you degraded me every chance you got
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE RAISING ME UP BUT YOU WERE ONLY LEADING ME TO HELL
i hate you
so much so that my hands shake when i think about the words i believed of yours
you remind me of a roller coaster that I DESPERATELY WANT TO GET OFF OF
you remind me of my father ON THE DAY HE LEFT US
that malicious grin he had is the only face you know
i am through trying to get you see that i'm the light instead of the dark
but you're too blinded with arrogance
i hope you rot in your jail cell of a dorm
i hate you
with all my heart
now look at my fake smile.

how can you miss someone that is literally in the next room as you?
how can you want to be with someone so much so that you cancel all plans just to clear the way if they want to hang out
it's so hard to understand
because my brain is telling me one thing and my heart keeps contradicting it
and to think i used to always go with my gut
i don't know
i'm thinking of the ways to tell you we should define this
but then again,
whenever that happens,
i get nothing
and neither do you
we are stuck in the never ending paradox of never being merely platonic
and i'm just confused
because my life was missing this piece and i always insisted
it was you
then why
does this feel so off
and maybe i'm thinking about that fact that we have never been fully on
the timing never seems to work out
and maybe it's possible that this time
it works

it was one of those times where i continued to forget to turn off the light
leaving the hall lit up in the night so you knew i was home
hoping you'd come kiss me goodnight

it was something about you that made me believe you were different
maybe your ability to get my pants off in the first 5 minutes of coming over
maybe it was the way you looked in my eyes and told me you loved me
or maybe, just maybe i thought you wouldn't leave

i sometimes think that my bones might break trying to support you
trying to hold on to something that you and I both know will never work
trying to convince you to not do the things I do
trying to dig my way through the abyss of neglect and unrecognized feelings
i often wish my hands were tied to balloons so they would be too far away to touch you
but that still wouldn't stop me
somehow your sharp words would send me back to you
nothing in this world has made me feel this way
i want to know what you mean when you tell me you love me
and why you want me to say it back
you stop yourself from feeling
so you tell me we're just friends
but
FRIENDS DON'T TOUCH EACH OTHER THE WAY WE DO.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT THE **** WE ARE BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY, WE COME BACK TO EACH OTHER.
my hands are shaking and I can't breathe
everyday I feel less like a buddy and more like a ****