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 5d dude
butterfly
i want long hair and a baby.
i wear soft jumpers and let the rain fall on my face, sometimes.
i worry about being alone.
i laugh with my friends until my stomach aches.
i watch life fly by past my window.

being twenty-something means seeing yourself through fractured glass fragments of mirror:
i am 18, frail. young to the world.
i am 19, confident. unafraid.
i am 20, learning. becoming
21.

i keep each piece in a pocket of my mind,
a patchwork of a girl
with untied knots at each corner.

i often wonder how i am seen by others.
it frightens me to imagine only those thin shards of light that permeate from me
on a first glance.

but i have been 18, 19, 20,
and i have lived and cried and loved.
between my cracks and crevices emerges
a smile with wonky teeth, thick eyebrows, the birth mark on the nape of my neck.
footprints on my face of a girl who was, who is.

so i'll grow my hair.
i'll fall in love.
i'll carry a little heart in my tummy like a plum stone.

a kaleidascope perpetual
of ways i have been and ways that i am.
and i live to hope that
through kind eyes
and a soft voice
and a gentle heart
i will be seen for all that has made me,
and i will make someone as beautiful as all i have seen.
 5d dude
Juls
no one really does get better
you only learn how to
either ignore it
or live with it
to be hurt by someone even though they hugged you tightly
to be kissed and be bitten by those lips
to be alive and not live

you only live to endure
life is a poison, death is our release
let me not be the first to say
that life is death
 5d dude
ash
beware when you make a wish upon 11:11,
for the time might seem right,
and it could come true.
but make sure to build the prompt the right way—
use whatever nature's against.

i wished upon it once;
since then, it has stayed stuck.
what i needed didn’t specify to what extent,
now it clings—halfway here, halfway broken.
the ultimate wish turned something akin to a curse;
now i don’t know what to believe, or what to wish upon.

so the next time it turns 11:11,
excuse me if i turn my head and play pretend.
wishing was once a task done without thinking;
now it has become dire,
i don’t know what wish i should come up with.

this is just a warning:
careful what you wish for.
to what extent, specify the details like you’re sure it’ll all end,
for sometimes, unknowingly so,
things get done—halfway or more,
and what remains can never be fixed.
so either you sculpt, move over, and plaster that wall,
or continue and stare at the prettiest rupture that you’ve built up tall.
not worthy of being edited.
 5d dude
ash
read her?
the layers beyond comprehension
everything she's written
barely the surface, what's the matter?

literal, nuanced solidarity
right there, right here, in the midst, steer near
wonder, humane doubts touched with eloquence

read her.
in the room full of people
 5d dude
CE Uptain
Come lay beside me
Hold me for awhile
Wrap me gently in your arms
Touch me with your smile

Come and close your pretty eyes
Let’s just drift away
Hold me tightly in your sleep
I am here to stay

When you finally wake
I’ll be holding you
Wipe the dreams from your eyes
Just hold on to what is true

9/16/21
A little love poem from the archives.
maybe if i write about you enough
spread proofs of our love on the internet

let strangers know how we used to dance
the gods from the satellite will bring us closer

maybe they are playing games with us
shooting our waves south to north

the earth is round
we will find each other again

it’ll be a Thursday
and the moon will be shining

when we do meet,
you’ll look like me — maybe older.
your firm hand will hold mine
and i disappear in you.
I became invisible to you
Like air
Around you every day
While you ignored I was there
You breathed me in
Exhaled me out
Held your breath
To make me doubt
Took me for granted
Left me there planted
It’s the dark corner for me
You’ve got so much other air to breathe
Oh look!  There’s a window!  
And there I go
Off with the breeze
I hate the anxiety.

I hate the worry that no matter what, I’ll never be understood for who I am.

I hate the comparison.

I hate when people tell me to look at where I’ve been, and how much better off I am now.

I hate the feelings.

How can I tell you that it’s like I was being hanged and I was on fire, and maybe the fire is out but I’m still choking?

I hate the feelings.

“But you’re not on fire anymore,” you say, ignoring me clutching at my neck and my flailing legs, “so it’s a better situation than before, right?”
 6d dude
Mark Bell
Am I worthy
Of love and respect
When I look at you
And I cannot connect.
You are kind
I am not
I have a penny
But it don’t
fit your slot.
I am a ship
You are the shore
I Can’t find that key
To open your door.
I stayed on that path because it lead me where I wanted to go
Feeling around
Too dark to see
I let the path lead me
Feeling, at first, barefoot and free
But then it got cold
And it stayed that way
I walked alone
Cold path
Dark
Lonely too
About halfway through
I realized
No path lead to you
I could walk until my feet were black, ******, and blue
I had no choice but see
There is no path I could take to find you
When you don’t want to find me
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