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 Jan 2016 Haych
poetrylover17
The drastic change,
From
2 hrs 20 mins.
To
2 mins 59 seconds.
That's how long we spoke for.
It was long enough.

           The Phone Call.
A phone call.
Is all it takes.
To break down the wall.
To push through my heart,a stake.
My heart cracks a little,at every second.
just want to hold the phone & have u on the other end.
No need for words.
Coz every word hurts.
To say or to hear.
You sound so far yet so near.
I want to scream at how unaffected u seem to be.
Like nothing changed,when how long it has been!
How familiar and distant your voice sounds at d same time.
How u still sound like you did, when you were mine.
I wanna shout at u,stay mad at u,
I wanna hug u, tell u how much ive missed u.
I wanna hang up.
I wanna hold on.
U wreck me.
U break me.
U rebuild me.
U make me.
I smile, through tears.
I laugh ,swallowing the lump in my throat.
You're a monster ,
You're an angel ,
My drug.
My addiction.
My love.
My affliction.
Letting u go too soon to sudden,
Means death to me.
Only time, can determine. Can set me free.
& after time erases time..
I pray i make it out alive.
I apologize if some words/sentences don't make sense or if there are more mistakes than usual. I just typed away any & every word that came into my mind. No editing. No rethinking.
You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me
WRITTEN BY: Mandie Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: October. 17, 2015 Friday 2:17 AM
 Dec 2015 Haych
Amanda
25/10/15
 Dec 2015 Haych
Amanda
I would like to be that girl;
the protagonist that doesn't cry.
Where she is able to push aside fears and tears, like fog on a mirror.
Her hands aren't afraid to be ***** and ******.

But bitterness and anger drool stickily on mine.

Right now, I am what I am.
This is all you get.
And it's not up to myself
for you
to
want me.
Good night starlights!
ex & ohs.
 Dec 2015 Haych
L
Untitled
 Dec 2015 Haych
L
I'm tired of sidestepping you.
Next time, I'll just throw my shoulder into it.
 Nov 2015 Haych
poetrylover17
Sometimes ,some days, i don't remember who i used to be.
*My childhood, lost among all the flashes & memories
.

And at times, it hits...
Comes back bit by bit..
Glorious, Mysterious ,Magical.
Pure, Striking, Painful.

I hope one day i find her.
That person i used to be.
But for now,
I hear the smile,
in her words when she sings;

I'll sing to u* ,
The words unspoken..
Remind u of the long forgotten.

Unravel our past,our silenced history.
And darling ,the wind will carry u home.
Carry u home,To me.

i'll find you when i'm ready.
 Nov 2015 Haych
poetrylover17
So many buildings.
So many boulders.
Enclosed,trapped,crowded.
Yet the sun still finds its way.
To peek through them everyday.
Bright, shining.
Warm, penetrating.
 Nov 2015 Haych
poetrylover17
Our song has no lyrics,
no continuity, no rhyming words.
But look a little closer, listen a little harder..
and a distant melody can be heard.

its that sweet soft music while dancing under the rain.
its that rush felt when we share the same sudden thoughts.
its the screams we hear in the others silent pain.
The burst of giggles that escape as we try holding in chuckles & snorts.

Its the warmth felt through thick material, in our quick
embraces and hugs.
Those silent sentences spoken through stares.
The reassuring comfort in the little touches.
Its the hushed whispers-calls during midnight.
Its when she lets me share her favorite chocolate fudge.
Its the sadness that she sees behind my smile.

That buzz when we walk towards each other.
Its the little nod of agreement.
That familiarity with our arms around our shoulders.
The feeling of belonging-ness.
That sense of security,
we share in each others company.

Its that heart break when i miss you.
The realization that you've gone.
That promise that one day,ill come back for you.
Because it is beside you that i belong.
Its that last effortless, satisfied smile.
as i drift off to sleep,before i close my eyes.
replaying again...
our beautiful song.
wrote this for my bae. hope u like it NH, happy bday :)
 Oct 2015 Haych
poetrylover17
I'll make my own life & live it.
If there is a guy who can handle that,
He can have my hand.
And if he cant,
He can have my finger.
 Oct 2015 Haych
mk
sometimes i wish
you'd see beyond
the color of my eyes
and the cloth wrapped around my head

i wish you would
think of me as an individual
put away my appearance
and regard me as a person

my thoughts matter
my ideas aren't all bad
i have opinions
and i choose to speak my mind
if only you would
listen to my words
and try to comprehend what i'm saying
rather than focusing on my accent
and the way my lips curve when i speak

the cloth on my head
does not rid me of ideas
it does not limit my mental capabilities
it does not lower my tolerance
have a debate with me
spark a conversation

instead of complimenting my smile
compliment my mind
instead of assuming that my beliefs are enforced upon me
ask me what i believe
ask me what i value


tell me what you base your morals on
question me
give me counterarguments
talk to me

instead of staring at me
and making biased assumptions
already concluding who i am
and where i come from
before you've even
said hello!

i am not just the color of my skin
i am not just the size of my thighs
i am not just the design of my clothes
i am not just the price of my purse
i am not just the pattern of my headscarf
i am not just the length of my nails
i am not just a body

i am a mind
i am a heart
i am a soul

i am my theories
i am my thoughts
i am my perceptions
i am my opinions
i am my viewpoints
i am my objectives
i am my purpose
i am my outlooks
i am my intentions
i am my reasons
i am my perspectives
i am my choices
i am my principles
i am my ideologies

i am a thinking, feeling, living, stimulated, motivated, inspired being

i've got a world inside of me
take a look see
before you choose to pass judgment on me.
growing up as a female in a male dominated society, arguably a male dominated world, it's not always easy to be taken seriously. your ideas disregarded, and passion dismissed as "overly emotional".
i crave stimulating conversations, & feel as if my physique comes before my psyche. and to me, that is painful. so as always, i chose to write about the hurt.
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