i love hating myself more than you love loving me
because love isn't easy and
neither are you
you are -
the sounds that stick to my  throat
songs that spill from my veins
and busy bruises that crawl up my body
and you are the things we leave behind accidentally,
the things we find coincidentally
turmoil that traces my jawline
and suffocates my esophagus
you and i need to be still,
be safe,
be subtle,
be still,
tie me up with your string of words,
end the struggle

you've got a lot to say
when you sigh
and you don't say anything
like:
you don't know what it's like everyday
and:
you're too young to understand why
you
tell me that it's not so simple
that
life isn't always the way it seems
and
seven hundred other cliches
about the time you almost jumped
and
how you're tired of just settling
how you're
being a fog that's settled at dawn
you're
fighting the urge to lay down and yawn
you
like to sleep,
to escape
i like to sleep
so i can dream
dreams of eyes that say everything,
like a glance
that radiates what your thoughts sing,
a moment
where all things feel invincible
a time
where i don't feel so invisible
where it all comes into place
laced in between your fingers
and then you kiss my face
but,
you don't say anything at all

you've got a lot to say
when you sigh
and you don't say anything
like:
you don't know what it's like
and:
you've too young to understand these things
you're being a fog that's settled at dawn
you're fighting the urge to lay down and yawn
you like to sleep
only for the hell of it
i like to sleep
so i can dream
dreams of sighs that say everything,
a glance that radiates what your thoughts sing
a moment where all things feel invincible
where it all comes into place
you don't say anything at all

you got a fast car
i want a ticket to anywhere
maybe we can make a deal
maybe together
we can get somewhere
anyplace is better
starting from zero
got nothing to lose
maybe we'll make somethin
me myself i got nothin to prove

i've been wondering
when it stops
people say it stops
when you want it to
but how do i tell that
to my dreams
when all i can think about
is running up to kiss you
in the parking lot of anywhere
it makes me wanna drink
and say everything
like sometimes i think about
what it would've been like
if i had let you go
when i
was still strong enough to do it
like i never knew hell
had such a pretty voice
like i tried to make it all day
without saying
"wish you were here"
like lately i've been going back
to all the places we've been
to see what it's like without you
it is the worst game
of hide & seek
every time i close my eyes
to count
you just go home
i seem to only wear my seat belt
on days you call
on days you're all *never been better
and i just wanna tell you
how much I hate window shopping
and daylight goodbyes
you just sit there
when you could say anything
you could tell me
you noticed i started drinking again
you could even make it up
you could say you miss me, too
you could say
you missed me so much
that the other day
you accidentally bought
two coffees instead of one
you could tell me
how you've been
without me
that you sleep so much better
these days
without having to worry
you can say what you have
to just don't say leaving
was like shooting fish in a barrel
cause i swear i'm nostalgic
for things i pretended were real
and i swear
i don't want a seance
until there's something
worth bringing back
take me back
to all the places i tried to love you
back to a time
where i knew my name  
without you having to say it

*you got a fast car
is it fast enough
so we can fly away
you gotta make a decision
leave tonight
or live & this way

everything i've wanted to tell you
i will tell you tomorrow
and the wait of it all doesn't even give you sorrow
these dilapidated sentence structures suffocate us,
they drown out our intricacy, our noisy illustrations
and i don't even want you to resuscitate me

there was no intention for this
this is silent screaming,
violent dreaming,
sighs that escape the mess of your mouth

it was earth day
we placed our feet into the fresh soil
dipping our toes into foreign content
we were only so old,
only so young
the water felt warm for the time being
the time being short,
the feelings feeling long
long days spent as children acting
like adults
adults with problems
"we aren't similar, you and me"
"you're no different"
you were different
we push
you pull
we separate
we wash our bodies inside the once foreign water
with a feeling of longingness in the spaces between us
it was earth day that day
we said goodbye