Writing love poems to no one,
Is like making cookies for yourself,
Its still enjoyable
Even if you do it alone.

Poetfreak was my first poetry home
Skill and pants optional

It brought me in and introduced me
To possibilities.

Ones that I alone contained,

But it was not hard to try.
In every post was people giving affirmation,
In every clever prose there was a wave
If encouragement and advice.

Then the cruelty of someone who loves destroying a community corrupted my home.

It broke down rules,
It took over people's profiles.

Ultimately it shut us down.

It's not the same here.

It's not that HP is bad,
It's just not home.

I feel like I'm on an awkward first date
During our first dance
And I'm being held at arm's length.
Even though I'm trying to get closer.

I just want to be closer.
I want this to be a new home.

I've been here long enough to wonder if that's possible.

My thoughts are a canvas painted in spray paint along a rundown subway.

I look back on my nearly twenty years of life and I'm amazed

At how much I've done.
How much I haven't.
How much I should or shouldn't have done.

I see my deep past,
The part of me I earnestly tell people
At three in the morning.

I see school days flickering by
Like an old school flip book that measured My life.

As the pages flicker by
A clear picture becomes evident:

Where one is not enough,
Many together can overcome.

My friends as life would so have it
We are getting pulled to different parts of the world.
Some of us may thrive,

Others may fall,

It is up to us to hold together;

If one can not overcome, many together can.

The pharmacist at CVS says I am not prescribed an inhaler anymore.
so in it's place.
I prescribe myself cigarettes

I need something to inhale
cigarettes seem a logical alternative to inhalers

deliberatly I decide to not drive
to the cigar store.
i walk to the cigar store.

it is far enough to be inconvenient
which means maybe
If I am not destined to buy this cigarette
I will receive an overwhelming sensation to turn back

I always add time for potential divine intervention to my agenda.
It happens often enough to be logical

we may have different definitions of logical

the cashier asks my age
And I tell him 21.
I am 22.
somehow In the confusion of waiting for god to prescribe me an overwhelming emotional reaction to not buy cigarettes
Instead of an inhaler.
I forget a whole ******* year of my life.

this is great context for
How I trust myself when making decisions.
which is to say
I don't trust myself to make descisions.

I buy the cigarettes.

upon searching for the optimal location
to loiter and slowly **** myself.
I stumble upon the old teen center.
the first place I was a mentor.

Out the side of the building
There's this rock
Long enough to sit five or so children
two laying down.
it's Perferated like a candy bar
each rectangle curved slightly
custom fit to years of munchkin ****

this slump right here
this slump is my munchkin ****.

each break of chocolate
on the candy bar rock
has a ladyslipper growing behind it.
tips of the five purple flowers
stretch to align perfect with the tips of our childhood belly buttons

humbled, I brush the leaves
excavate delicately
this heirloom.
I had forgotten.

The sky is recovering When I lay myself on the rock.
light grey clouds that want to cry
an optimistic sun that won't let them

I Cover my face with an old journal
made of old book smell.
I smile into the pages.
my lips barely touching the silk threading of her binding.
I've never breathed so intimately
a new lover.
the tip of my nose tucked into her spine.
honeymoon phase, Intoxicating.
Still excited to be in love.

there's breath here
wisdom in the records of
loving young,
cherrishing this new book smell.
Filling your chest with it.

When memories are tangible
There are no more expiration dates

Fill my lungs with
the crisp of unturned pages,
worn leather covers
Soft silk crosstitches

Kiss air into me
from the space between your lines.
I know how intimate an untold story can be.

Today I started breathing
I fell in love With a metaphor.

I never did smoke that cigarette.

There is a thief among us.
One so stealthy and sneaky-
A shadow on the wall would be too loud for her stealth.

How then do I know she is here?
And how do I know that she is a she?

Well that's because she stole the heart right out of me.

I never saw it coming,
I was to blind...
To thickheaded,
I admit even to selfish.

I had this thief in front of me

One year.
She had beautiful red hair that could make a cardinal weep.
She had a smile and a blush just as bright.

Yet she snuck under my radar.

She stealthed her way two more years
Always there
Always connected
Always noticed
But never known.  

Then she made her move.
In the dead of night,
While we were on the phone.
She spoke seven clever words.

Seven words spoken true can make anyone fall for you.

Then she called threw my screen.
She reached her tender hands into my soul and caressed my heart, and taking part of it with her she retreated.

But not to hide.
She blew her cover.
Now she had part of me, and I part of her

I know who she is,
And I know that I want her in my life.