my earliest memory are clouds
whirling fans
sticky heat
a car ride
greasy fingers
pepper lollipops
sugar coated stories
telephone polls
sheep cows horses
sheep
so many sheep
the window sweat
rapid spanish
windmills
burning sun
then I saw them
they were perfect
in a meadow
puffy
soft
warm
they went on
and on
and on
i wanted to eat
sleep
bounce
STOP
i screamed
STOP
WHAT?
WHY?!
STOP.
is it a doe?
NO
is it a cat?
NO
WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
a cloud
a farm of clouds
don't you see it?
no.

My mother asked why I never cry
Cigar shaped burns on my palm
Why tears of anger
Hiding in the bathroom
or sorrow
Trying to drown
Have never crossed my face
WHY WON'T IT WORK
She said I suppress my feelings
Door slammed on my fingers
I need to express my emotions
Oh god it hurts
She said I need help
I grabbed the scissors
And said she's a *****
In the note

Once upon a dream
Their was a girl
Who's hair was spun of gold
And cheeks kissed by roses
The ocean in her eyes
And on her feet
A pair of ruby slippers
That danced when she walked
When she sung birds left their nets
And fishermen left their nests
But she had a terrible secret
That she only whispered to the moon
She was in love with
The princess
Not the prince

What's her name
Human Barbie
What does she do
She's just Barbie
What color are her eyes
Barbie blue
What color is her hair
Barbie blonde
How much plastic is in her
As much as Barbie....

I saw "James" today
First time since the slow dance
I pointed him out to my darling
Turns out his name isn't James
He hid behind the mask of a charming name
And meaningless compliments
Icy eyes
Honey drizzled voice
I believed him
Every word
I hadn't stopped wondering
Wishing he would find me
Gazing into the sky
She said he's a player
*** addict
*******
I didn't listen
Didn't care
Not at first
He was the boy of my dreams
Man of my sorrow
Then she mentioned you.
Turns out his name is Jimmy
**** Jimmy
Oh well I guess I could...

She's back
The girl I'm in love with
All I want to do is kiss her
And lean against the lukewarm granite
Whispering about how much I lie
And how I never tell anyone what I'm feeling
Not even my self
As we pass the smoke into each others mouths
Feeling more alive
Passionate
Rebellious
We  say how much we hate our fathers
And how they will never speak
No matter how hard we try
Religion
***
Wars
Every word is ours that night
But they don't float away into the canyon like smoke
They hover waiting
To be spoken

I had a flashback
Screams of Nervana
They were "those kids"
I was cirgarettles
The smoke blew in my face
I coughed
They exhaled
Silly me
Innocent me
The crazy one
The giraffe
The Ugly
Trapped between to worlds
Spinning out of control
In and out of galaxies
Solar systems
Dying stars
Lies were sweeter
Your just eating galleons of honey
By the third spoonful syrup becomes sickening
Caught in your throat
Run
Hide
Survive
Singing along to Zeppelin
I didn't the words
Laughing to that joke
Why did they notice me
Why was I worthy
To be with the
Poet
Singer
Dreamer
Writer
Lighter
Heartless
Soulless
Fearless
I was the stargazer
Who saw right through them
But loved them anyways
Now I walk this road alone

You look different
Today
I do?
Maybe it's because of the rain...
I just stared
At the boy I'd never noticed
I guess it's just you don't normally look like everyone else
You're not like them
Has no one ever told you that?
No.
Well they should.

And then they announced a slow dance
Olivia went to Alex
Cameron was nowhere insight
I felt my cheeks become peaches
But then he came
With his eyes an indescribable shade
Somewhere between blue brown and green
And when he spoke
His voice was deep
Confident
As he said
Can I have this dance?
And then he said he loved my smile.

She's the kind of girl you envy
Her life so put together
So calm and collected
But at the same time living her life to the fullest
Sleeping drinking writing
Her breath
Cigarettes and stale wine
I'm drawn to her like a magnet
Maybe because she's just like you?

If i were braver...





I'd be dead

My throat aches
I push down the lump
With bittersweet chocolate
And John Lennon
If only they knew
A fiend told me once
That I am real
But since life is but a dream
Then I am but a shadow