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i stare outside my bedroom window
12:42am
wondering where my soul has gone,
my personality,
my hope.
instead of organs I carry inside me burdens of ex lovers, of mistakes, of abuse,
i remember when I use to shine the brightest.
it is so hard to see when you are blinded amidst tear gas
people pushing and shoving
black holes for eyes, no hearts in sight
i wish to one day repair them.
i wish one day to repair myself
it seems to be an impossible task
a momentary relapse of heart ache, of bleeding arms and bleeding legs
a momentary relapse of euphoria and then down again we go
it hurts when all you can do is sit around and wait for someone to clean the wounds just to tear them open with their teeth once again.

dad, did you do it again?
slide in your poison-
did you think you could ever own me?
mom, did you do it again?
pump your fears, your dreams, your failures into my blood, my soul, my slow beating heart?

i can't seem to go on anymore.

how am I suppose to love when the birthmarks on my arms are really scars,
when the holes in my chest are past heart breaks,
sleep breaks, smoke breaks, coke brakes, **** brakes
how am I suppose to love?
the snow covers an icy cold blanket around my mind,
freezing all the bad and good thoughts
and suddenly everything goes black.

-where am i?

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lord
if you exist
take me now;
take me to the heavens where tears are forbidden
where the scars on my arms turn heavenly pure
where I cannot hurt.
lord
if you exist
cleanse me of my pain;
teach me to be kind to others and myself
teach me to not fall again at the hands of evil or kiss the lips of destruction
do not let me burn the spoon.
lord
if you exist
allow me to lay with the angels;
allow me to float softly through my nightmares, to wipe my own tears
to hold him tight when I cannot reach him at all
lord, please bring him to me.
please bring back my soul
so that I may understand what there is to understand
to love my family and friends unconditionally
to turn the other cheek when he betrays me.  
to fall in love with another and myself.
teach me to waltz underneath the moonlight when I am feeling forgotten so that I may know
that I am not alone.
father, please,
let me touch the pink marmalade skies
once and for all.

-prayers

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Its not you. No matter what he says or tries to pin on you, its probably not you. It could be he's scared to love you, or that he's not sure of what he wants. If he can't forgive you for your past mistakes and see you're attempting to make yourself anew, there is no point in staying. A person that holds onto the past is one who lives in it.

2. Buy all the food you want. Chocolate, ice cream, cake, chips, fruits - whatever. You're single now, and that means either A. You're gonna rush straight back into the dating world or B. You have really no one to impress right now, so you can eat whatever the ******* want! Make sure it makes you happy and also gain a few pounds, you'll be able to work it off later.

3. Go out with friends. Although the heartbreak is probably consuming your brain, even as you read this, its good to still go out and spend time with friends. Family is okay too, but with all the feelings you have, sometimes its better to communicate with someone who is your age and can speak to you on your level. Go somewhere where you can talk and socialize, do not end up at the movies watching a sappy love story and crying about your real one.

4. Disconnect yourself from his/her social networks. Do not stalk their Facebook page or look at their stauses on Skype. If you do this, you will keep opening fresh wounds and continue to be upset. By taking this break, it will allow you to somewhat clear your mind and let both you and your partner think of next. If he doesn't like breaks, tell him its for both of your own goods that you guys spend some time apart. Remember, you're both single now, so don't be too upset if you see him around with someone else, and don't feel bad if you decide to see someone else too.

5. Mentally prepare yourself. If you decide to skip step 2 (high calorie food intaking), and decide to go into dating, mentally prepare yourself. Do not go back in simply because you need someone to fill the gaps of your broken heart. Give it time to heal. If you don't you can end up really hurting the person you're seeing, or maybe they can really hurt you.

6. Do things you like to do. Watch your favourite TV shows, go shopping, take longer naps or more baths - do whatever. Give yourself some "you" time so you can not only relax, but you can learn to enjoy your own company.

7.  Cry. Crying is the best stress reliever. If you feel like you need to cry, excuse yourself and cry. If you're really blubbering, carry a box of tissues around you so you can cry at all times. The more you cry, the more stress you relieve, and eventually your sadness for your break up will turn to anger and you'll realize that you can do WAY better.

-a broken heart list

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Figure I start a list series because ive had major writers block this whole summer. Hopefully when school starts it will spark some ideas on my new project I have coming up for you guys.
someone once told me that the
people who we want the most are
the monsters under our beds and
the core reason of why we find fault
in everything we do and are because
we are only trying to please them,
and now I understand why I started
to doubt my love for you.

-doubtful

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Let's never talk again,
because if we do
we'll both fall apart
in each others arms
and when that happens,
we can never be held again.
you told me i couldn't be anything
so i pulled up the burnt ashes
reviving my broken bones
and turned myself into something
you would want.

-hours later....

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This is one of the first little snippets I wrote when I started writing poetry instead of just songs and short stories and every time I read this part it reminds me of what I wrote it about so clearly. Just wanted to post this because I've been uninspired lately and I'm working on a current project that will be out this year.
you made me into something i always hated and despised. you made me feel like i was easy to love, but then you turned around and complained about age and pointed out i was too young. i hate that you were the nicest out of all the men i saw and yet you managed to break my heart faster than anyone ive ever known. "sorry" is not found in your vocabulary and right now i wish it was. its not that i dont love you but instead its a question of if i should or shouldnt. your yelling shook the ground and shattered my world and now i feel disgusted with myself. you are 18 and i am 15 but i think ive seen enough to know where this is going and if you plan to leave please do so now so you take not my heart but maybe puncture a vein. i am nothing but a half dead corpse who has taught herself how to both breathe and fade away because i am not ready to be in love or out of it but i am scared that you will lose patience and leave. i am sorry that i am unappreciative or cruel, i am just slowly fading away.

-mixed thoughts

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Ive been writing in this style for the last three poems and it seems like people have been liking it, so I am really happy! This was written for someone I truly care about, explaining a situation we got caught up into together. Enjoy :-)
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