There are very few visuals as seductive as a cloudy sky...the sight of dark clouds moving in that slow motion, sound of thunder, the flashes of lightning and the pre-shower smell...it's like the earth getting itself ready to be drenched with the drops of love...and then the post shower smell...oh man!!! simply *******.

I. I am so angry it burns my lips to speak, lava drips from my tongue and chars my skin and fries my hair and melts my clothes. I am so angry it consumes me it hurts me and it burns me and i do not get to feel any of it.

II. I wish I was a tape recorder. I wish I could remember things better, I wish I could spin myself around the words and play them back in my head later and never forget them. The only thing I can't press pause, or rewind, or erase, is exactly how you sounded when you left.

III. Sometimes I miss you so much I feel like I am running a race dead last and I have anchor weights on my ankles, I never think I'm going to make it.

IV. I think this is for the best but oh god I’m sorry my heart feels like it’s going to fall out of my mouth and onto the pavement

V. Last night someone took advantage of me and today I woke up feeling like it was my fault, it is nostalgic in the most terrifying way. I don't know how I'm doing this without you anymore.

VI. If this is love I want nothing to do with it.

VII. I am forced to become exactly what I need. I have spent too much time nailed to the floorboards right where you left me. I am right where you left me.

VIII. I think about how you have touched me and I feel sick, I think about your hands on me and I want to take showers and scrub my skin and I can’t breathe. I wish no one would ever touch me or kiss me or put their hands on me ever again.

IX. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I told you I was going to be close to you in two months and you waited until four AM to tell me that seeing me would make you remember what you have done to me. I was awake. I told you to never forget it.

X. Get out of my head, I will not let you turn me hard. I felt soft, I still fall asleep wondering if your hands are cold. I do not want to let you convince me that love is bad.

XI. Yesterday, you told me you missed me. Yesterday, I couldn't force myself to look at you. Yesterday, I said, "I miss you too, but there is empty space where you told me you did not love me. There is nothing here for you anymore." Yesterday, I lied but I will repeat that mantra into my head until I undo whatever damage you have done to me. I will not let you convince me that love is bad.

Sometimes it seems
like me and her, we
keep missing each other, one
is high while the other is low,
One of us stays, the other goes
and what goes up
must come down.

It is hard to be here,
Being what I am. What am I?
How are you? Let us talk for
awhile. We are friends, don't
give up on lonely chance for
relationship would not be forced, nor should
intimacy be founded upon a thing as fragile
as mental health if we are to have hope. It's
'cause when I talk to you it feels alright to
be alive. I cannot apologize, "I was gonna
die young, now I gotta wait for you, ***."

.
There is a man
     with only one hand,
in the 3rd eye of Buddha
     he learnt about clapping.

There is a woman
     with only one heart,
in the land ruled by men
     she retained her compassion.

There is a man
     with only one eye,
in the land of the blind
     he was ostracised.

There is a mind
     with only one thought,
in the land of the banal
     it treasures imagination.


© Pagan Paul (19/10/16)

When I touch your
Forehead with
Mine

The energies between our
Eyes dance within
An inch of

Immense impact.
I could drop you over ruins;
Rebuild cities.

yesterday i flew away
on the wings of a crying dove
is it enough when times get rough
to look up at the sun
and to stop running from
the breath that’s caught inside of my lungs

one morning, i started turning
blue inside of my chest
these days haven’t been the best
but i’m still here so i guess
i can count myself as blessed
and then go to finally get some rest

and i said ooh baby why don’t you stay,
i’m left a rock stuck in a hard place
but coal can become diamonds anyway
under the highest of pressure
highest of pressure
you make me feel better
can we get away, babe?

when i fell away, i spent that day
looking at all of my flaws
you see them but you’re not gone
i’m in your chest where i belong
it hasn’t been that long,
but i’m never gonna move along

and i said ooh baby why don’t you stay,
i’m left a rock stuck in a hard place
but coal can become diamonds anyway
under the highest of pressure
highest of pressure
you make me feel better
can we get away, babe?

split myself in two
how i see myself and who i am to you
they’re fighting each other
i still don’t understand why you bother
but somehow you do

i make myself afraid
by looking too hard at yesterday
we’re just lovers holding hands
you don’t try too hard understand
but somehow you ease the pain

and you say ooh baby why don’t we stay,
we are just rocks stuck in a hard place
but coal can become diamonds anyway
under the highest of pressure
the highest of pressure
i make you feel better
can we get away babe?
can we get away?

the god boy, grows a pace
no longer small, squalling child

now showing a fierce independent streak
that causes pride and fear in equal amounts

it is hard to balance the need to learn
and the need to teach...to protect
we fail the balance regularly
yet are fortunate to have suffered
no great ..... or lasting consequence

his greatest attribute,
our greatest joy
his sunny side up,
the ability to always,
see the best
in everything.....
eventually

as we slow and grey,
he seems brighter,
more intense...
gathering colur into him
only to give it out...
in a argent radience
that is contagious...
in  it's beauty

of course,
he has his flaws
my child,
is far from perfect
like his father,
his floor is his wardrobe
and like his mother
he is prone to losing himself
in bookworlds, while mundane
chores await..

but he is both the worst and the best of us

and more importantly
he is himself....forging
and identity and entity
bourne of love and compassion

and honestly
as a mother godess
and as a father god

there is naught more
we could wont
or ask for...