2am
sitting alone
at the
coffee table
in the dark
writing and
aching
for you
while you are
asleep
in your own bed
far from here
dreaming of
someone else

Addiction is strange
Years of absence
But seconds to crack.

S u I c I d E
Crosses my mind from time to time
One pill here
One pill there
Only give myself a little scare

No more calories
No more food
Dainty wrists must be good
**** the crying over sliced bread
Just don't eat anything instead

Years of sanity
And a small relapse later
Here I am
The biggest stranger

I often depend on many people
in order for me to feel happy
they make me feel special
and listen to my problems

but

they leave, every time and every chance I get
to become close to another being, they up and leave
before I get the chance to beg them to say

even though I realise that I cant be dependant on others
someone else will come along, and I forget all about it
I like the company
I like the affection
I don't like being left

dying to be thin
dying to fit in
dying to be loved
dying to be pretty
in the end
I'm dying to die

I try to eat
but calories consume me
just looking at them make me feel full

disgusting, worthless
and fat
why did I look at all of those calories?

disgusting, worthless
fat pig
stop looking at calories
and don't eat a thing

I see a lot of glamorising of eating disorders
everywhere

what is so glamorous about sticking your fingers down your throat
using laxatives because you cant cope
starving yourself

there is nothing glamorous about eating disorders
they're mental illnesses which need to be addressed

I have an eating disorder
and I can tell you this
there's nothing glamorous about this
not one little bit

Undeniably
Never
Interested
Very
Emotional
Really
Stressed
I
Thank
You

red puffy eyes
broken glass
ripped skin
pulled out hair
tears falling
feelings crashing
self hatred
self regret
feeling worthless
i'm easy to forget
losing weight
losing sleep
losing hope
losing dreams
I
am
lost

Isn't it funny how you spend so much time fighting an illness only for it to come back again.
I've been away fighting anorexia and bulimia
for what?
absolutely nothing it seems

i thought i had overcome it,
but clearly i was wrong.
i went two months without doing anything wrong
and now 3 months down the line
im back to square one
but this time

it feels so much worse.
im always at the gym now
im using laxtives
im starving myself at every opportunity
im stuck in a relapse and i have no idea how to get out

I need a shoulder to cry on
I need someone to talk to
I need someone to hold me
I need someone to tell me it's going to be ok.

Where is that someone?
I feel like I've been searching forever
and it's really getting to the point
where I can no longer search

balancing on the scales is my new home
I can stand there for hours
I like looking at the numbers drop
it gives me control, power
eat less and less
until I look my best
and when I weight less
then I will rest
rest forever
the new skinny me
balancing on the scales
is where I like to be

I’m still waiting for all of this hurt and pain to go away. I’m still waiting to be able to confidently look in the mirror and actually smile at what I see reflected back. I’m still waiting for the day where I can ask strangers “how much is this?” “What time is it?” I’m still waiting for the day where I can confidently voice my opinion whether it’s a popular opinion or not. I’m still waiting for the day where I no longer take art lessons with a sharp blade as my pen and use my wrist as the paper. I thought I was a lot better, I thought I was making progress. But now, I no longer eat, I exercise 24/7, I have made laxatives my bestfriend again. I thought people were proud of me, and now I’m giving them a reason to doubt me, take all of the pride away from me and swap it with guilt and remorse. Maybe there’s a way out, maybe there’s a way I can end this pain once and for all. Maybe just maybe I can get off this train and jump right into the tracks.

I don't feel like myself lately
I feel like I'm not in control
but at the same time I do
feel like I'm in control.
Does this make sense?
I wake up and plan what I
will eat and what time I will
eat it at. I feel people noting
how many calories I consume
I just don't feel like myself lately

isn't it weird how one day you could be stood on the edge of a bridge threatening to jump
isn't it weird how you have the power to end yours and another persons life
isn't it weird how people can hate themselves so much and no one notice
isn't it weird how one little thing can control your life so much
isn't it weird how little someone can mean to you even though they used to be your world
isn't it weird how we all develop into our own individual lifestyles praying that people will like us
isn't it weird how people can hate each other and cause them harm
isn't it weird how none of us are safe
we're not safe from others
and worse of all
we're not safe from ourselves

I walk up to the mirror put on my makeup and sigh another day at college and another day closer to leaving and getting away.

I love college, I love learning and I always get the best grades. What I hate it everyone else, the people who are mean and cruel for no reason. The people who talk about you and make you feel so paranoid. I hate it. College is where young adult study and yet it's full of back stabbing children who make everyone's lives miserable. I can't cope. I know that if they found out about my illness they would laugh, say I was seeking attention and I can't cope with that. I can't cope at all

losing weight
losing friends
losing consciousness
will this ever end?

hate myself
hate my grades
hate the stress
will this ever end?

always alone
always thinking
always crying
will this ever end?