Undeniably
Never
Interested
Very
Emotional
Really
Stressed
I
Thank
You

Addiction is strange
Years of absence
But seconds to crack.

S u I c I d E
Crosses my mind from time to time
One pill here
One pill there
Only give myself a little scare

No more calories
No more food
Dainty wrists must be good
**** the crying over sliced bread
Just don't eat anything instead

Years of sanity
And a small relapse later
Here I am
The biggest stranger

isn't it weird how one day you could be stood on the edge of a bridge threatening to jump
isn't it weird how you have the power to end yours and another persons life
isn't it weird how people can hate themselves so much and no one notice
isn't it weird how one little thing can control your life so much
isn't it weird how little someone can mean to you even though they used to be your world
isn't it weird how we all develop into our own individual lifestyles praying that people will like us
isn't it weird how people can hate each other and cause them harm
isn't it weird how none of us are safe
we're not safe from others
and worse of all
we're not safe from ourselves

I walk up to the mirror put on my makeup and sigh another day at college and another day closer to leaving and getting away.

I love college, I love learning and I always get the best grades. What I hate it everyone else, the people who are mean and cruel for no reason. The people who talk about you and make you feel so paranoid. I hate it. College is where young adult study and yet it's full of back stabbing children who make everyone's lives miserable. I can't cope. I know that if they found out about my illness they would laugh, say I was seeking attention and I can't cope with that. I can't cope at all

I’m still waiting for all of this hurt and pain to go away. I’m still waiting to be able to confidently look in the mirror and actually smile at what I see reflected back. I’m still waiting for the day where I can ask strangers “how much is this?” “What time is it?” I’m still waiting for the day where I can confidently voice my opinion whether it’s a popular opinion or not. I’m still waiting for the day where I no longer take art lessons with a sharp blade as my pen and use my wrist as the paper. I thought I was a lot better, I thought I was making progress. But now, I no longer eat, I exercise 24/7, I have made laxatives my bestfriend again. I thought people were proud of me, and now I’m giving them a reason to doubt me, take all of the pride away from me and swap it with guilt and remorse. Maybe there’s a way out, maybe there’s a way I can end this pain once and for all. Maybe just maybe I can get off this train and jump right into the tracks.

I don't feel like myself lately
I feel like I'm not in control
but at the same time I do
feel like I'm in control.
Does this make sense?
I wake up and plan what I
will eat and what time I will
eat it at. I feel people noting
how many calories I consume
I just don't feel like myself lately