dainty wrists

dainty wrists Mar 2014

Relapse

Isn't it funny how you spend so much time fighting an illness only for it to come back again.
I've been away fighting anorexia and bulimia
for what?
absolutely nothing it seems

i thought i had overcome it,
but clearly i was wrong.
i went two months without doing anything wrong
and now 3 months down the line
im back to square one
but this time

it feels so much worse.
im always at the gym now
im using laxtives
im starving myself at every opportunity
im stuck in a relapse and i have no idea how to get out

I haven't wrote any poetry in around 3 months because i was in recovery for my eating disorder and honestly i wasnt in the right frame of mind to write anything. I'm currently stuck in a relapse and its so hard. I think I'm going to try and write poetry on a daily basiss because it might help me in my recovery again. This has been a really personal poem so yeah. I'm back.

dainty wrists Dec 2013

The scales

balancing on the scales is my new home
I can stand there for hours
I like looking at the numbers drop
it gives me control, power
eat less and less
until I look my best
and when I weight less
then I will rest
rest forever
the new skinny me
balancing on the scales
is where I like to be

dainty wrists Dec 2013

you said

you said things would get better
so why do I feel worse?
you said people would like me
so why am I still alone?
you said i'd lose weight and be happy
so why am I crying and holding my fat?
you said that starving myself, using lax and purging is bad
so why does it feel so right?
you said a lot on things
and none of them are right
so why should I listen now
just because you think I might

dainty wrists Dec 2013

controlling my life

why do you have to control me?
what I wear
where I go
if i'm allowed out
why do you have to shout at me
hit me
make me scared

everyday I pray that you're not in
because you scare me
you scare me to the point where I want to be alone
you pressure me to get good grades
and shout if I get a B and not an A
it's not about effort anymore
its about getting an A

you tell me which university I can go to
and what job I have to do
but you forget that it's my life
and soon you wont be in it.
I want to move to mums house
but you wont let me
you shout and scream to make me stay
and that's when I feel alone, afraid

dainty wrists Dec 2013

brings me peace

cups of tea
reading books
brings me peace

being alone
listening to music
brings me peace

cutting skin
pulling hair
brings me peace

skipping meals
counting calories
brings me peace

using lax
feeling in control
brings me peace

dainty wrists Dec 2013

my mind.

my mind is everywhere
confused
dazed
pain
pain
pain
headaches
migraines
am I sane?
stress
pain
misery
stress
failure
the end.

dainty wrists Dec 2013

My ED Story

I remember when you found out that I had Bulimia.
You never cried, or tried to understand,
You just shouted.
You grounded me, remember?
Said I was a failure.
You made me eat forgetting I have an eating disorder.
You pretended it never happened.
I had to cure myself because you wouldn't get me help.
"No daughter of mine needs help"
"No daughter of mine is mental"
Remember when you said that dad?
Do you?

And now, I've been diagnosed with Anorexia.
And I am literally terrified that you will find out.
Because you will get angry, won't you?
Like last time, remember?
You'll force food down my throat and make me not tell anyone
All because you're ashamed with me.
Well thank you.
For making me hide my eating disorder.
I guess I'll do what I always do.
And deal with it on my own.

I am genuinely scared to post this because this poem is a representation of what happened to me, and these are my most personal feelings. I like to put it in poetry because people can interpret it differently and I guess I like that. I'm sorry if this triggers anyone.