These days I can't seem to catch a break.
I want to be happy again.
I'm so scared to sleep because I know what I will see when I shut my eyes.
You left and took a piece of me I needed.
I've tried to apologize. I've apologized over and over again.
Even "I'm sorry" screams "come back" if you say it enough,
I know I shouldn't be surprised.
I knew you were the type to pour salt in the wounds but I never thought you'd do that to mine.

My dad loved the idea of being different.
He would say "Make them remember you!" or "Let your light shine!"
He always told me to never do anything "half-***"
He wanted me to work harder, reach higher, and see beyond the horizons of society.
He always said "never look down! That's when you'll fall!"
He always knew what to say but he ever knew how to follow his own advice.

Sometimes I would hold the hand that broke me, expecting it to be a barricade between me and a vehicle.

Sometimes I got so scared of the monsters under my bed,
but I didn't realize that I crawled into bed with one, expecting it to stop the nightmares it caused in the first place.

Sometimes it kissed my finger when I got a paper cut,
but never once did it cool the tobacco kissed burns on my arm.
Sometimes it whispered "I love you" with the same lips that screamed "You're worthless!"

I remember when I hated everything about it but I still craved it to stay.
I remember when it left, but its presence still breaks my bones and cuts my skin.

I love you more than she does I promise.

I'm so lost.
and confused
and hurt
and tired
and I can't stop crying
and I'm angry
and I'm broken
and yet I'm still completely in love with you.

I'm half asleep but I love you.
I'll fall asleep any second now but I love you.
I love you.

I've learned a lot in my life. I learned that sometimes all you can do is forgive. I learned that people are not homes and if you make a home out of a person then that's when things start going wrong. I learned that sometimes your best friends aren't the best friends for you. Sometimes you need to accept that and just move on. I learned that it's not about whose been there the longest. Sometimes someone will come into your life. No, not come. Run. Jump.  And sometimes they finally knock some sense into you. I learned that people can't make you happy. Money can't make you happy. Even God can't make you happy. And YOU can make yourself happy. I learned to stop complaining about things you need to do because it takes less time to just do it. I learned to appreciate the small things before they become all you need. Sometimes people that you think will stay will leave. Sometimes people you think will leave will stay. People will always hate you for being you. They will hate you for fitting in or standing out. They will hate you if you're skinny or if your fat or if your tall or if your short or if you wear makeup or if you don't wear makeup. So just be you and live. Because this is your life and it's ending seconds at a time.