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My lunchtime consists of either not eating or stuffing my face till the words "fat ***" crawl out of my friends mouth. The words sting me like a bee or a metaphor that's been overused like...being stung by a bee. Let's think about this for a minute though, think about whether or not I should feel guilty for my pleasures. I started starving myself sophomore year, the words breakfast lunch and dinner made me want to puke out the hatred I have for a body whose done nothing to me. At one point I tried to love myself, tried to show that food isn't the enemy it's just the voices in my head that tell me it is. "You should lose weight." "You're out of shape" "Fat ***", these count for each stretch mark I have on my body that crept up slowly and silently on me like a murderer to his victim. One was from my dad, two was from my friends, three was from my mom cause she said I was so handsome, four cause I don't deserve to eat, five cause I want to be pretty. Six because guys like me don't get to be pretty.
   It doesn't end easily or quickly. I've gone from overweight to underweight to a healthy weight to a weight where I pull back the flabs of skin so I can count my ribs one by one again. I've even gotten to the point where if somebody tells me I look good all I can think is that they're lying. I see a difference between fat and fat, the words itself form the gelatinous image you imagine when thinking of them, sounding sour as it comes off my tongue. You don't have to be a girl to have an eating disorder, a ****** up concept that society hasn't quite grasped yet.
 Jan 2014 Nina Messina
Expression of emotion should never be oppressed
Trust me i know how to yell, you taught me very well,
But this is merely speaking
Hear me when I say I want to cry until we’re floating in the Dead Sea
And my heart no longer curses me with the density to sink
Im trying to escape this catastrophe,
But you coerce until my original thoughts become extinct
Hear me when i say i want to shriek until my reflection shatters
And my soul can equally and oppositely be repaired
Someday i hope my insides can scream as loud as they desire
When ill no longer live under your pharisaical empire
You want me to follow the road you paved for me,
Never falling astray,
but I guess you forget that respect goes both ways
Trust me i know how to yell, you taught me very well
But this is nowhere near
Expression of emotion should never be oppressed.
any criticism? please
 Jan 2014 Nina Messina
LJ Chaplin
He talks to me,
In dreams,
When I wake up,
When I sit at the writing desk,
Quill in my hand.
He made me feel safe.
Who are you?
I am Hyde.
Why are you in my head?
To guide you. To help you. To love you.

He spoke to me everyday,
His deep and subtle voice lingering
In the back of my mind,
Never interrupting  when I spoke,
Never intervening in my actions.
I felt compelled to keep him close,
To drag him from the dark confines
Of my subconscious and let him
Perch behind my eyes so he could see what I see,
Behind my mouth so he could say what I say,
Behind my heart so he can live like I live.
We became one.

But one day he changed.
He grew stronger,
I felt his phantom presence
Fuse with my bones,
Wrapping his fingers around my ribcage,
Cutting off the air in my lungs.
It was suffocating,
Letting him take over me,
To overpower me.
I tried to send him back to Hell,
Back to the dark confines
That I so willingly and half-heartedly
Pulled him from,
But I was weak and I was foolish.

I felt the sinister urges boil beneath my skin,
Felt the need for destructive satisfaction with each pulse,
He didn't want to hurt people,
I did.

I gave myself to him,
And now I am his puppet.
A tragic love story between
A troubled body
And a chaotic mind.
This is about the girl who fell in love with the moon.
Resting against the cold glass window at night
To get a glimpse of the light on the side she laid eyes on
And wondered about the darkness she would never get to see.
This is about the girl who fell in love with the stars.
Watching them sparkle and shoot across the sky.
She shed a tear knowing these stars were long diminished
And wondered if she as well would leave such a lasting mark.
This is about the girl who fell in love with the rain.
Falling fast asleep to the quiet drops on the pavement
With colors forming through the heavy mist,
And wondered if she could ever be as beautiful as a rainbow.
This is about the girl who fell in love with the ocean.
Sinking her toes in the sand while breathing the salty air,
Noticing the fish swimming easily through the blue water
And wondered if she could glide through life the same way.
This is about the girl who fell in love with the sun.
Lying in the swaying grass, feeling a soft breeze on her cheeks
Only to be shaded by the birds flying free under the light
And she wondered if she could one day be as free.
This is about the girl who fell in love with solitude.
Curled up with the dusty pages of her favorite book
Reading of the lover’s who share their lives together,
And wondered if one day she might share her solitude.
This is about the girl who fell in love with you.
With the way your body wrapped around hers,
How you could command a room with the warmth of your smile
And she wondered if one day she could call you hers.
This is about the girl who fell in love with too many things.
Realizing none of them would ever be hers,
Knowing she had no one to share them with.
And she wondered if she would always feel so alone.
 Oct 2013 Nina Messina
What is a friend who loves you,
when you have no kindness left?
or a man that desires you,
but to care, is considered theft?

Is family really forever?
I cannot love a missing father.
Nor one that has replaced,
and destroyed an identity in a culture.

Am I selfish to be alone?
These feelings are conflicting.
I've reached the point of a mind,
that is purposely forgetting.

I don't want to have attachments,
for I want to be nobody.
To find serenity in a world
where everybody craves somebody.
soz ma
For every time you swore that I wouldn't make it
For every instance that scorn crept into every unsaid word
You never needed to disown me mother for I was never yours
I let you rip at the very stones of my foundation in your attempt
To assure my failure so I would know your contempt
But you failed, mother, because you are so blind
Without you I struggled but the way I did find
Even though there were times I didn't think I could take it
How do you sleep at night knowing that you have forsaken
Your only son; I hope it has taken
A grave toll on your hard black soul
I hope you rip at your bloodless flesh in your dreamless sleep
And torment yourself with a hate that's violent and deep
Let's both be honest here, though, because we both know
That you are glad that I am gone
But in spite of you I have struggled on
To build a life worth living, so I didn't end up like you
I can't even imagine how you live like you do
Every day cold and grey, every miserable hour the same
Every problem not your own for everyone else is always to blame
You can't even see how broken you have become
From you perch where you judge what others have done
I hope you see me far below, standing strong and tall
And remember that no matter what happens I refuse to fall
I hope fear creeps into the cavity of your chest
I hope it disturbs you every time you try to rest
And I hope it leaves you depressed, knowing I have risen
Knowing that you couldn't **** me when you thought it was a given
I am going to become something you have only dreamed of
Before your dreams disappeared and were replaced by fears
That destroyed you and rotted your core
And left you broken and unable to shed tears or feel anymore
I pity you, mother, for you are all alone
But I will never forgive you for the things you have done
What kind of monster are you, who could turn her back on her own son
You made me feel so worthless and incapable
You taught me that unhappiness is oppressive and inescapable
All you ever taught me has proven to be a lie
Planted in my head so that you could watch me die
But for every seed of doubt you planted that rooted in my head
I ripped them out because I would have rather been dead
Than forever incapacitated by the poison you applied
Only then did I understand that you had already died
I think of you every day, I fight against the memories I have
I can't help that at times they make me sad
But they make me want more for myself than what you said life offered
And I will fight for every inch until the day I die
I will fight for a better life because I know the reasons why
I am worthy and good and not a victim of your lies
I am loved and I love others, I am honest, I am good
I am everything that your sad existance never understood
It is in the absence of your presence that I stumble along.

How could I have taken you so for granted?

My constant.

My North Star you always guided me home.

Now I am so far from you here and I can't escape the gratitude

You were simply there.

A form of comfort that loomed beside me and brought warmth while dispelling my fear.

How could you not know?

When every encounter with you brought a smile to my face?

Every moment was so precious.

It was enough to have you stand beside me, in the warmth and strength of heart.

Like a lion you protected mine.

Now, with skills you taught I stand alone protecting it.

And I miss the shield your love provided. I miss your face.

And I am sorry, not that I told you but that in telling you I changed everything.

The dynamic changed when I spoke, and everything silent that was taken for granted suddenly came crashing like an elephant into the room.

But you are not a china shop and this is not insurmountable.

I am not a bull.

Time has passed and will continue to do so. And you look at me with eyes that sees this for all it is and you say "Another lifetime."

I smile, "Yes, Love, another Lifetime."

~ for TJB (August 30th, 2013)

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