every crease in every sheet i smooth,
my eyes fallen to the floor. i do not reach
for your hand. you wake from fitful sleep,
rise with the eagles and the saints.
the whole earth awaits your next move.

i brace for impact, your voice upon my ears.
the dream catcher swirls, a feathery mobile.
i fall forward into nothing, dust off my skirts.
i will take you with the dawn.
you with your perfect balance; movement of earth.

before i was bereaved, i felt complete.
now i wish for the day i am released.
you and i; a tale of espionage and broken trust.
in the window i stand,
in the doorway i am crushed.

grief is another word for silence.
my pen won't bring back the laughter;
tragedy does not halt the change of seasons.
is this what i am meant to be?
i became a citizen of the sun.

i cannot risk this, too.
i cannot give away my only peace.
i will not fight you for my soul, or my heart.
both are empty and mean nothing to me.
i only need you to understand.

we cannot remember where it begun;
when the waves came.
i will not force retreat.
dust of my skies, my voice, my name,
this is how you tell me to leave.

i am the current and i sweep you away.
we light up again. we change.
you fall asleep by my side and i count the days
the moments we built up to
that never came.

the sun rose; the rooster crows.
i wake you up with ringing bells.
you roll on your side, threaten to **** me.
i would have gladly obliged.
take me now, for the wind and for the fire.

forget the quickness, the quiet
the steady hand when you shut the door.
let us bloom into something different.
let me come to your defense immediate.
let us flow and fly, remember and return.

in the beginning it was only hope and dust and fragments
of a grave never visited, never touched.
you talk with your hands, you leave your palms
resting on your chest.
i was never meant to be.
i was never meant to come alive.
and all you ever did to find me was die.
that was it. that was me lying in bed
deciphering messages.
i could not be convinced
of coincidence.
but i wanted to believe.
to have something.
i always knew, i always thought
i will not rest.
maybe i am still scared to rot.
scared that i will burn,
that when i get a good look at you,
that will be it. i will be done.
i will be silenced. i will become
your phantom. i am not the limb
you missed. i am not the wind.
i am faith and gut and circumstance.
that is all we are.
that is all it took for me to find you.
to love you.
but you,
you had to die.

i dream of you in color
old black and white portraits
on the kitchen counter
and i thought
i was the only one
who loved you.
you are so old fashioned
no message i ever send
seems to get through.
if love is a drug,
these are the side effects.
i hold a shell
up to my ear,
expecting to hear the ocean.
i hear nuclear tests
and the challenger explosion.
and i can't breathe anymore
when it stops my heart
just to know where you are.
and if someone asked you
things that are blue, you'd say,
the sky, the sea,
and all i can think of
is being every color in your life,
the paint to your palette.
but it is too late.
you are color blind and
you will never see how bright i am.

maybe the secret to their love was that they didn't know they were in love

I was a baker in France
in the 19th century,
a poet, an alcoholic,
an ancient Egyptian,
a cancer patient,
a victim of the plague,
a father, a mother,
a soldier, a lover.

But, my darling,
no matter who I was,
or who you were,
you always loved me
and I always loved you.