lord
if you exist
take me now;
take me to the heavens where tears are forbidden
where the scars on my arms turn heavenly pure
where I cannot hurt.
lord
if you exist
cleanse me of my pain;
teach me to be kind to others and myself
teach me to not fall again at the hands of evil or kiss the lips of destruction
do not let me burn the spoon.
lord
if you exist
allow me to lay with the angels;
allow me to float softly through my nightmares, to wipe my own tears
to hold him tight when I cannot reach him at all
lord, please bring him to me.
please bring back my soul
so that I may understand what there is to understand
to love my family and friends unconditionally
to turn the other cheek when he betrays me.  
to fall in love with another and myself.
teach me to waltz underneath the moonlight when I am feeling forgotten so that I may know
that I am not alone.
father, please,
let me touch the pink marmalade skies
once and for all.

-prayers

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Its not you. No matter what he says or tries to pin on you, its probably not you. It could be he's scared to love you, or that he's not sure of what he wants. If he can't forgive you for your past mistakes and see you're attempting to make yourself anew, there is no point in staying. A person that holds onto the past is one who lives in it.

2. Buy all the food you want. Chocolate, ice cream, cake, chips, fruits - whatever. You're single now, and that means either A. You're gonna rush straight back into the dating world or B. You have really no one to impress right now, so you can eat whatever the ******* want! Make sure it makes you happy and also gain a few pounds, you'll be able to work it off later.

3. Go out with friends. Although the heartbreak is probably consuming your brain, even as you read this, its good to still go out and spend time with friends. Family is okay too, but with all the feelings you have, sometimes its better to communicate with someone who is your age and can speak to you on your level. Go somewhere where you can talk and socialize, do not end up at the movies watching a sappy love story and crying about your real one.

4. Disconnect yourself from his/her social networks. Do not stalk their Facebook page or look at their stauses on Skype. If you do this, you will keep opening fresh wounds and continue to be upset. By taking this break, it will allow you to somewhat clear your mind and let both you and your partner think of next. If he doesn't like breaks, tell him its for both of your own goods that you guys spend some time apart. Remember, you're both single now, so don't be too upset if you see him around with someone else, and don't feel bad if you decide to see someone else too.

5. Mentally prepare yourself. If you decide to skip step 2 (high calorie food intaking), and decide to go into dating, mentally prepare yourself. Do not go back in simply because you need someone to fill the gaps of your broken heart. Give it time to heal. If you don't you can end up really hurting the person you're seeing, or maybe they can really hurt you.

6. Do things you like to do. Watch your favourite TV shows, go shopping, take longer naps or more baths - do whatever. Give yourself some "you" time so you can not only relax, but you can learn to enjoy your own company.

7.  Cry. Crying is the best stress reliever. If you feel like you need to cry, excuse yourself and cry. If you're really blubbering, carry a box of tissues around you so you can cry at all times. The more you cry, the more stress you relieve, and eventually your sadness for your break up will turn to anger and you'll realize that you can do WAY better.

-a broken heart list

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someone once told me that the
people who we want the most are
the monsters under our beds and
the core reason of why we find fault
in everything we do and are because
we are only trying to please them,
and now I understand why I started
to doubt my love for you.

-doubtful

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you told me i couldn't be anything
so i pulled up the burnt ashes
reviving my broken bones
and turned myself into something
you would want.

-hours later....

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you made me into something i always hated and despised. you made me feel like i was easy to love, but then you turned around and complained about age and pointed out i was too young. i hate that you were the nicest out of all the men i saw and yet you managed to break my heart faster than anyone ive ever known. "sorry" is not found in your vocabulary and right now i wish it was. its not that i dont love you but instead its a question of if i should or shouldnt. your yelling shook the ground and shattered my world and now i feel disgusted with myself. you are 18 and i am 15 but i think ive seen enough to know where this is going and if you plan to leave please do so now so you take not my heart but maybe puncture a vein. i am nothing but a half dead corpse who has taught herself how to both breathe and fade away because i am not ready to be in love or out of it but i am scared that you will lose patience and leave. i am sorry that i am unappreciative or cruel, i am just slowly fading away.

-mixed thoughts

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the words you speak send razors through my chest into empty spaces between ribs where butterflies once use to live and where a heart would beat at the sound or sight of a dream i wanted. you moulded me into a woman too sickly filled with poison that could do nothing but wait and cry, wait and cry, waiting on the arms that matched your false superhero cape. its not fair how you use recycled words and i always fall for them. you've knocked the wind out of my chest and left me crawling for air on my knees. you have made me feel like i didn't matter, or that i wasn't worth the time or commitment, and instead of a soul you saw me as a body. you have taken the appeal of life out of me and have taught me what it feels like to heal without passion or interest. you rooted a hatred of myself inside me so deep i would have to scoop out my organs upon finding it. i give my applause for you putting yourself above me because that shows self appreciation; i just wish you could appreciate the butterflies a little bit more.

-mixed thoughts series

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there is something about the way the trees dance in the wind and how that exact same breeze grazes your skin, makes you shiver, causing you to crawl under your blankets to warm you at night and to shield you from everything bad. there is something miraculously wonderful and beautiful about that. you listen to your favourite bands but they can't seem to explain why this is happening, and yet we are all just stars in a galaxy and once the light dies out no one will flinch except the hearts that we have touched the most and i guess thats why hearts will oddly skip a beat at 4am on a saturday morning. lungs will die out; skin deteriorating but thats okay because i'm sure there is something beyond what our eyes can see. like when people make bucket lists when really they are subliminally planning out near-by life goals. and unfinished novel is processed so you can pick up the pen one day and write again. write until your hand starts bleeding, your heart stops beating. funny how people always complain about the noises cars create and they never stop to hear the sound of trees, brushing leaf against leaf in a summer breeze. there is nothing poetic about a messy room although i wish it could be- i would use it as a metaphor to show that my life is changing slowly. new rims on cars, new boys, new city lights to gaze upon, 12 am walks by yourself with lonely cigarettes and empty words lost in a fire raging society of *** and abuse but i can't seem to put my finger on who. fake tattoos and dark purple bruises. quiet nights yet you feel like the walls caving in. extreme voices in your head. disorders are not poetic but if it brings true awareness i hope one day it will be. do not mask your scars, instead count them. eventually you will die and old soul and smiling child and your stars the remain will continue to shine on for you.

-next i will count the planets

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i don't think i would be alive right now if it wasn't for art. art has kept me sane as not just a thing we create, but as a person. because in reality, art is a person, right? i mean, its you and me and the things we like and dislike. the art of poetry and words. the art of painting, drawing. the art of moving on; of falling in love. the art of a chord on a piano and the found of an f sharp on the violin. the art of patience, dignity. sadness, love, hike, realism- its all art. the world in my eyes is a canvas slowly being made into a new form of art.
today, i was in downtown toronto on a school trip with a couple of friends. we were surrounded by vast and tall, tall buildings, and it made me wonder that anything and everything is art. a hand to hold at 4pm. the way skin glides and rubs against skin is deep and intimate art. ugliness is art, for ugly souls have one hell of a harsh character. the rain is art, and so are the tress and churches and its values, our bodies and souls, a piano and sakura trees and essentially all their is - art.
beauty, hope, sadness, love - in the best and worst of people. how extraordinary.

-art.

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