this urge comes across me
to let some of myself out
with the knife
just on my arm
no one would notice
and my heart beats faster
and tears won't stop coming out
because even earlier
when the world was sunny
and somehow i had a smile on my face
and i was sunny inside
i walked across this bridge
the train tracks below
and saw my body falling
from way up high
down onto the hot tracks
gone
and now
my arm tingles and my minds sets low
with the intention to relieve it
because the truth is that anyone would agree I should
I don't know what's happening
or what I'm struggling with
I'm a monster who deserves this
and this is to make it up to you

Even when I'm this sick, standing up and kissed with snot and ick, you come over and wrap your arms around me and let me rest my heavy head in your chest. Soft chest, thin arms, strong hold on me. Feeling safe, coddled, and like a little girl in your arms. Breathing your cotton and wool in, looking into your patterns and swirls. Even now, soft glances at you across the table, diagonally, and watching your sharp eyes and sloped nose, like a soft mountain or hill with a pointed cliff, beautiful in your way as I love you and feel you are beauty, soft skin that glows a warm pink and brown hair peppered with gray strands and a five o'clock shadow to cloak and hug your jaw: such long lashes and I see why they all stare at you, at such a pretty handsome face, and I remember to look a bit deeper from your skin but I get distracted by the thin wrists and blue veins roped around your hands and leading into your thin fingers that toy with coins and fiddle with hairs and twirl around my tepels.

through dark smoke and mirrors in the window i watch you with cherry drunken lips that tingle under the moonlight sipping wine to smolder my body into your reflection wishing it was a way to solder us together yearning with desire a shy meek desire feeling like I’ve just met you for the first time; like we barely know each other and I’m crushing on you from afar wanting to spread my legs wide open for you because you’re the right one and you make me grasp onto the handles of this fridge and my chest is fronted forward tingling ***** and excited for you; slither forward and I’ll even crawl to you and my knees are weak and I’m a tiny bit just drunk, daddy

when will you be mine I know my jealousies are silly but I want you to be all mine in these ways and I want you to protect me can you tell me you love me more than I’ll ever love you and I just feel I need you

pout in dust behind the wallflies,
the flares and glares:
truly would there be something if there was none?
and we could cruise in our declining youth,
going to the local bayou, we choose what we do:
for a honeymoon
on our honeymoon
clad in silk dyed with dark blue
loving forever and a moon
there are sparkles in his eyes,
and a smile that begins to surround me
there are my hands to caress his face,
and my arms to wrap around his neck
it's no wonder every time I see you
I fall over again and we dive into our bed

no one really cares: this hurts so bad, the same thing all the time: why won't someone care this way? what about me? what about the things i need?

they looked so soft, and I wanted to cry because I wanted them to touch me, I wanted to kiss them, I wanted him to kiss me: hold me and take me away from all the bad things

don't you know how much it matters to me?

I shake it all for you, I grow it all for you, can you feel me?
Softness and imperfect but you know I'm worth it, I'll come right here: lick me softly between my fluffy legs and my chubby waist, my dear: I'm the real thing, don't you notice this: can you hold my hand? I'm the real thing that they pretend to be with corsets, bra, and more: my body is real, it's all for you, don't take this for granted come have it: I can't spend my life without you, crawl here and see what this mouth do:
daddy, my husband, you see me and you have me: all of me

for the fifth time today
i walked near the road behind you
where you stood tall
goosebumps when you'd look at it
twirl and into the corner
head low eyes up
just wanting to have fun
wanting to have fun with it

He swiped by me in a daze
exhaustion loomed from his throat
focused eyes on out of focus points
resembling the thinking man
mouth pursed in two
weighted down
something in him didn't want to fight today
a king looking down
at spilled wine

i can feel the rivers rush around
all around me the trees are bending
drink in the times for the mending
pushed around
brought to drown
destiny outlines in the darkness
i wish to be free from the softness and the toughness of these grips, hold my tiny waist in this
palms up wide up receive the reeds of divinity
watching the wakes of down open up their eyes to the new world
greetings of a past and a darkness looms over its soul
the eyes of the down glaze over with pearly tears
dripping into what we know as wells
hoping to be free and no longer feel the swell of the pads of his feet walk on their eyes

dear diary

what do i want right now? to cry and run to him. i wish i could run to him and cry in his arms, and what i really wish is that he'd kiss me when i cry. i really wish he'd treat me like his own then, when i'm breaking down.

but things have split in two in my mind again and i can't tear the world apart because of it. i don't know how to reconcile this water and oil in my mind. black and white thinking again, splitting again. i'm trying to control it and i'm trying to think over how to logically approach this situation. so what did i do? i ran away until the weekend. what else can i do?

if i tried to do anything else, it'd result in him and most others being tired of me, being drained of me, telling me i'm being manipulative or a problem. i don't want a therapist because i feel it'll take away something core of me. what i mean is, sharing and letting my best friend know everything is personal. but a therapist is that middle man where my partner won't be my rock anymore. i guess that's okay for most people.

i guess a therapist is needed for me because no one else wants to make me their problem, no one else wants to handle me. and that's fine, i'm not anyone's problem. the only people who had real responsibility over me, failed me. both of them. and now, i'm left to fend for myself and look to the guidance of someone who, who doesn't love me the way a parent could.

the point is, i've split again. i clenched my fist and closed my eyes. i wasn't going to yell at him, put accusations on him, or curse at him. i can't do that to him, i can't lose him. i can't hurt him that way. but i could feel what it was doing to me already.

the happy star eyes i had are now lifeless. the rainbows and sunshine  the world was became dull. my mind was already saying horrible things, even mean things. but i couldnt explode on him

i decided to run away for a little because i didn't want to give him strain or stress. i know he says me hiding from him he doesn't like, or me holding things in is what stresses him

but it seems he doesn't get it because even when i do express these things, they get him annoyed, it gets him upset and angry. that's not his fault, and that's not invalid. i understand it because i know that feeling. it just means i need to learn to think and control my emotions. i struggle very much to control my emotions. i don't want to take space or hide like this. i don't want that. i don't want him to scream at me or have a yelling match with me. i don't want him to yell at me. i just don't want him to give up on me.

but so many things hurt me. how can i not think i am the problem? everyone tells me it's me. anthony even told me i was his problem. my mom tells me i am her problem. my dad told me i was his problem. my lover tries not to tell me i am, but how can he not see it?

i'm so grateful for him, and grateful he chooses our love. it just always circles back around the same issues i have is all.

i guess i do equate his physical affection with love, sometimes.
still, time after time, i come back to my issues, to my problems, and i just think "how can i stop them?" how can i let go? how can i not make life hard for others? i think about others so much. i recently did something for myself, i put a boundary between me and anthony because it affects me very much.

as a way to spare others the hurt i can cause and the stain and stress i can cause ... i will retreat. on behalf of the man i love dearly, i'll retreat for a little as to not put strain or stress on him.
to teach myself a lesson about these feelings. i need this lesson in temporary detachment.

i don't want to get rid of little angel, i don't want her to go. but today i'm considering killing this part of me, killing my inner child, little angel. she's misunderstood. she's misunderstood because she's part of me and she is carefree, happy, silly, funny, loving, and caring. she's just who i am when i don't worry, when everything's okay.

but she's sensitive and moody, and she gets so hurt. i get so hurt.

i need to detach. i pray he won't give up on me, he won't run away from me. please don't be far away. i ask he waits for me.

what the little girl asks for is to be his star, just a bit, just for some time

this is their reward.

this is my punishment.

he said I was a beautiful person, the most beautiful person he knows; the last thing I'd ever expect him to say to me, the one thing I'd never thought he'd say or mean, but he said it and I felt electricity o


and he didn't want to let me go, when I tried to pull back slightly, his arms would hold tighter and I laid my wet cheek on his chest: when he said it that way, I believed him, please don't let those words be empty: say it with the weight, I will choose to believe you've said it with weight:

I love when he takes
me that way
when he wants me so much
that he feels he needs
me right then
right there
right now
yes, him
only him

I lay on the
bed naked and vulnerable
on my back and my petals
bloom in front of him
right then
right there
right now
yes, him
only him

I watch him as he
is a god in this way
the only time
I will ever say such a thing
about a man who is so
beautiful as him
his lips, his eyes
the way he stares
he takes me with his eyes
before his hands

put me on to your
privates, look at my pretty ****
do you see how dark she is?
fall into my night
fall into my dark night
let me be your healing
I can be real bad -- a bad little girl --
it will be good, let me, come on daddy,
be bad and keep you in me
so that you can be submerged
in me, together, we melt
into each other

we move together
my hips moving up
your body thrusts
and drives into me
I wear your sweat
you call me your angel

hot ribbons fill my womb
sweet nectar flows around your phallus
fall into me
I catch you

let me be your siren
pull you closer, deeper
come into my ocean
into green waters
my kiss gives you gills
my touch makes you swift
swim inside of me
swim deeper in me
how deep is your love?

wrap your arms around me
tell me you see me
open up, give all your secrets
come deep with me
we’ll go back up soon
but for a little, come deep with me
let yourself fall down here
you are safe with me
we have each other
can we experience our own
world for some time

experience what my love can give you
experience how i can make you feel
just open your eyes
close your ears
open your mouth
close your nose
open yourself
to our world
can we forget the other world for a little
just let it be us

I receive Threats from the Outside Invisible, For I hear them within my ears and I receive the messages within my Canals: but I am too strong, I am prayed inside and outside, I am prayed up and down. I possess a power within each bracelet, within my anklet, within each follicle porcelain of crystalled :

Frozen gelatin relaxes its edge around my throat and it soon comes out: A Fore, it will be activated. Saturn and Jupiter sees me now, yes, they see me now and Mars will help me Attack the World, the Enemies: I will Attack my Lovers with utmost Truth and give you all Beauty, Creativity, Fertility, Love, Wonder:

Universal, Transcendental. No Longer must I die while not alive: Now I can be A LIVE DEATH. A LIVE BEING. DEAD ALIVE. this is the Guru, this is the Sage. Detachment and Universal. The Spirit is Universal, the Body is not. The Spirit is All Encompassing, for my Body is Not. It is Ruined, my Spirit is never. I have consecrated this body and made it like my bed in preparation for the celebration of Me, of Us :

I will not have it any other way. It must be this way. Tell everyone through the vines : For what could this mean for You? You must give away your belongings, your hair, and let your Smile transform you: drink of Kava, grow scales, shed the old and Return with a New: A new World. Newness. Only the Jah dreams and speaks of the Newness: the Newness. Only the Lost and Imbalanced speaks of the Ever-Presentness. Speak of the Ineffable does the Wise and True.

With Love I send you all: One Love, Oneness, Twoness, Loveness. Love. Universal bad. Walk away and with a sway of my hips, You stare at me, Enticed and hypnotized: this is me within a concealed silk, dreamy and hazy lust you have wrapped in, entered in: came in, am stuck, Give it for I require it to Live . . .

you Dream of me as your *****, as your spilled, as your personal object: For I am the Mother, but yet you still see me as your own ***** . . .

Sometimes you just need the right people, the right person. Finally, I have that. The right people. The right person. I have the right people. With him and his mother, I finally felt I belonged.

In his garden, in the kitchen, going up the stairs, into the kelder: In his mother's house, in the house of his childhood and young adult years;
at the kitchen table, she looks at me tenderly with a smile and then at her son, the love of my life, with an even softer smile; somehow proud, somehow seeing their ups and downs, somehow bitter, somehow sweet — in the house he grew up. In his old bed together, where he felt safe to be home, where he felt safe in my arms as his home and his house as his home;

this is where he bloomed, where he was held back, where he was a boy and where he became a man: in my arms he can become a boy again and become a man again, in our home, in his home:

this has been the scary choice, the uncomfortable choice, the unknown choice, but most of all the right choice. He has been the right choice. We were both apprehensive, uncertain, doubtful, insecure, and I, even scared; but we have made the right choice— the choice we both stay with for life.

never whole or complete—always fragments! unholy realization of only seeing reflections, and never the source—if my eyes are exclusive so is my heart, if my eyes are exclusive so is my light

where is forrest gump when you need him?
glistening a pearl pine

you have to take
me right now
from this dark
and scary life now
yes you
yeah you

you’ll put me into your
home and you’ll hold me
kiss my forehead and
you’ll help me be happy and
healthy, you’ll tell me that
we never have to be apart
again, and you’ll protect me
you stroke my hair
you call me your angel

JAI GURU DEVA OM
dont you wait on me
i'll be famous too
i'll be up there with all of you
i'll keep my strides
and i will get there in a jiffy
don't you worry don't you wait on me
cuz ill be there in a jiffy
don't you wait on me
i'll be famous too
i will be up there with all of you in my league in my own space
and i will be there and you all will be smiling on that day
and i will be smiling on that day
for i will be the one to make this true impact on you
the flood gates are opening too
the process begins
disillusioning rings through air around me
the gods inside and out have conjoined around me
JAI GURU DEVA OM

cry another wrongful plead
but the drums never give off
it is something other than that
not the hi-hats
you
take a pill from the floating trees
i burn
i swish away the dream of your mind, though, it isn't that drunk
but you still want to fly the days but i know that nights,
it isn't complete,
without
your mind you are made up
and i still feel bad
i hope my flower grows
in your heart  -- can we
collide?

it felt good
  sun on my skin
dark lips dark skin
           soft skin but rough hands
give threats, sharp threats, sharp jawline
and felt nice to have his eyes on me
          felt nice to have eyes on me

ripening, falling off the tree, in my early prime,
getting better, I ate all stares, eyes caressing my
*****, my pressing lights, they gave short shallow breaths,
I gave deep volume, high volume, fluffy, ready to breed,
and fun dancing

still a teenager at heart, still young in mind,
still a girl at heart, still young in body, still
still in life

we were in a parcel
in idyllic france
and i was so probing in there and you
let me in there, in your sphere ; but our magic seemed to wear off
when you saw their trunks filled with gold and then
your heart turned green
now i can't ever begin to describe
this empty hollow rage and it hurts and it burns at my throat
i just can't stop thinking this ;  i could be so worried
and it all wash away with the worries
moons - - strong.

this is so embarrassing
now i can't even dare to look near him
i'm so ashamed to be like this
i put my head down to cry, and i will accept this inner lonely feeling
i'll take this advice: i'll spend some time away, some time alone again
i know the problem is me, but i need to cut the vines from them
selfish of me to burden others with my chaotic dealings
maybe i share too much: no one they need to know those hard sad feelings, alone again
i'll stay alone then, i'll sit outside in the sun with my sweet plant
they can handle it / i will not harm them by giving to them my dealings
if people i must hide from, the sun i cannot in nature i can confide

and i need to remain a level of detachment to get through these

I suffer in the heat for you
something little know of right now
sweat and **** on a photo of us
seal with wax and with an invisible psychic string
to secure the pneumena of the two of us

and I do this just for you
to truly understand yourself
and when you can't let go of me
please don't make a fuss
it will be alright with me
I'm fine with just the two of us

the spring's heat claps
and waves trigger chemical reactions
inside of your brain
you translate these things
into something material
when really it is spiritual
and I've traced it back to the Source

wind now shakes my house
and I know it is confirmation
of the power of a Love
from the One all around Us

i just wanna have fun
i like fun i like playing
let's play
i wanna be free, and know
you enjoy me while i'm vulnerable and free
put the sparkle back in your eyes!
get razzled! just don't lie to me,
make it genuine. say what's real,
say how you feel, make it real!
you are scared to go deep,
just so scared. i want to go deeper,
come after me. let me do this, let me bring you higher,
i'll take you higher. grab my hand
i can take you much higher,
much deeper, if you let me
i've read it in cards and in stars
how we will go, i've seen it all
i've read it all
my hand your hand
let's go
we can go, i have wings to fly
come on, let's go

\
the bizarre entices me,
the Bible takes me away
to a place where nothing can hit me.

[BLAST BEAT]
I want to draw The Tower, instead I draw The Star: I want to crash, instead I keep sailing in the wind.
My wings keep moving even though I remain static under.
Sailing to the same points like the small ready-knots, (ready-knot, i.e., the invisible atom that doesn't move but look as if it is moving because of our eyesight; didn't you pay attention when the world was created?) though I am the 10th house, the macrocosm.
I cover my face with my hands: my wings keep moving: I cover because fear.
I bite the skin on my knuckles.
I wish I could fall apart: I wish I could tumble like a grain of sand down the dune into a pile of build up, yet someone won't let me collect.
Sreda throws me into His hurrcaning gales, I remain the same. The Monad rotates me over His fire, I remain the same.
I step over Your coal, Your knives, Your deluge; clumsily, yet I do.
My wings keep moving: everything I have could fall apart, my wings keep moving, and I cover my face out of fear.
You can call me the lamb, you can say I don't listen, you can call me weak and misunderstood, you can call me the small turtle dove, for I cover my face out of fear.
Though I don't want it to, my feathered sails glide through the skyscape; though I can't control it, I sail through white and blue; though I don't want to, I sail through nebulae tinged with unfinished fevers;
I peak through my fingers, eyes bright as a new-born cosmos, and I sometimes examine the pretty color of You, Father of Shine, and I sometimes study the tracks of You, Prince of Buoyancy. [BLAST BEAT]
I peak through my fingers, rain drops fall through these cracks, and I sometimes like the feel of your rays, Sun, and I sometimes like the feel of your winds, Mercury.
I stay far and cold and remaining: my wings keep moving, I keep sailing.

* [note]
I speak to you, the world, and to You, the avatar and the avatar:
feeling special again, please, someone put me in my place /
the monopolization / the vanity / the selfishness /
look how many I's are in my name:
feeling special again, please, someone put me in my place.

What two* lucky days for me:
so star-crossed, lacrosse on the TV, and you both smiling

Every moving planet watches you sing light melodies into the air and they echo back
Every rotating star watches me dance to heavy beats on the balcony and they send another one

In the morning, the Sun shone on my mated mansion, preparing me:
Jupiter blessed you with an opportunity to blend our harmony:
Venus saw your Heart and gave you to me

Only fifteen minutes ‘til your birth, Venus wanted you to come see me:
Jupiter drove into your lot, ringing your seventh-door bell:
the Moon saw our hands in the Future

*[END NOTE]:
I misplace my gratitude for you men
Please, forgive me for nothing feels better than your touch,
nothing sounds better than your voice: I want nothing else
Please, forgive me for nothing feels better than holding you,
nothing sounds better than your laugh: I want nothing else

my man is holding out
a brave face in a drought
he pleads
on heavily
magazines
i fold zines
i draw three
my ends aren't means

why do i bother talking!
i’m always wrong anyway, i’ll be quiet!
distance myself from it all: i got comfortable way too quickly

how are you so gentle? how can you hold me so? how come you haven't let go? why do you kiss me so tenderly? hold me so tenderly?

then there are paranoid thoughts: the sink into these things: sediments of remnants and past: and somehow my mind floats above and in an under current, i taste the deep currents under my hands: are you thinking about the same things i think about? if i told you again will you remember again? these things impose a question of worth into my head: a possibility of giving up, and it is hard to repeat these cycles and know that autres will repay with their own pains and outbursts. the last thing i'd need, a cup of hot tea, a cup of being by myself: but the only thing i'd need, is to be with me. something like this pours, outside of a rain dust, coats on my, your shoulders are soft: if i was your little girl, i wonder if things would be split in two: three times are enough to make something transform into a one: take it and slash it ad watch it burn, and now that you know this hurts, can you take care? while i comb my hair? have we been entirely here? can you lift from this place? can you lift from this material? what if i took a chance, left everyone for You, i left this whole wide bed and i let the sprinkles guide me to you, will you hear the bells too? i've heard bells once before, and i wonder if you too. will hear these with me. can i accept these issues, can you do too? where else can a hawk spare time? break its legs and things move quietly through my memo, i promised by twelve i'd sleep  and lay close near you . . . near who? . . . near you . . . running checks, close to forecasting your death: and i'd like to see you, like to lick and hug you, and i'd like to be with you forever. where are the plates, sir? (sir, sir, sir, sir s,ri?) is this new? do we tongue? (tongue tongue tongue ) the flow, wretched it is, wrench and ******* a flow: reckless abandoned ship, make me question again, something that i'd do for a friend: can you take a hand and extend it, outwards into somewhere, else it has been made to sing. birds and feathers free from the art the curve of the architecure: can you tell me more about your thoughts? i tried to write out your thoughts and your hair and your eyes and your smile, yes i love your structure: saturn : you'll be at the end soon, not many years left, that perfect for us. you can settle down with me, choose to work it with me, accept all of me. maybe a rocketshoot can really pair well with god, do you see this too? two, and now a little more, somewhere the one was three, four of the many's things: yes you can try all night, to contemplate all with your might, are you catching on? you never tried to exclaim, the reasons your body's lame: in motion and movement: oil the joints and so, there you have, rolls upon pain, and tremendous spots of flames: half of you have disappeared - ; are you ready for me? sparkles of dance: are you ready for it? a roller coaster in your mind, your body flushing all the time, can you be ready for me? and if i was to touch you here, i'd like you grab me there: are you ready for me, can you be ready for this? are you prepared for it? a roller coaster in your mind, your body flushing all the time, can you be ready for me?  can you be mine?



dizzy i am
push away so much
run away so far
but you make me want to run into your arms
can you help me face it
can you help me swim
please dont let go
ill face it with my own eyes just please dont let go

came to sin
locked right in
drive the bin
through the upright kin
guilty boy
take all his toys
christmas joy
a smile real coy
sat on the ocean side

pushed to this point …
readily aching …
resting and, sure, …
maybe, I’ll end … up on this shore,

I’m turning a new leaf with no pictures of you,
I hope you understand,
the way I’ve been dreaming and trying,
someone who doesn’t fear my love,
mmm mmm, but you do

you do


scared, maybe you should be,
we … floating, too,

i get home, slam the door, and shut the world outside

https://youtu.be/9UVjjcOUJLE





You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold
So she took her love
For to gaze a while
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me?
Will you be my love?
Upon the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

when my mind is finally made up
now I can think clearly on this
and I am having an easier time saying good bye.
I will miss these things now, but I will have another chance to come
back with Venus' blessing:
the responsibilities on me will be passed onto another
for they will be able to execute.
I believe these will be key to helping the ones around me now,
for the immeasurable way of not being able to change
and low amount of money is surmountable:
for I think Venus will knock on all of their doors to deliver them a gift,
after I give my final gift of departure.
I don't think these things will be missed, not the messy room, or the messes made, or the tears dropped, or the smiles dropped, or the stressed caused, or the money spent, or the time wasted.
I can leave at peace knowing the Sun will continue to go out: for this message in the bottle should not reach the warmth,
this will stay in the cold void. Why would Venus be so far from me? Why would she be far? Why from me? Did I scare her?
And I know in this world we live in, in this material world, Venus reigns as the Queen and she is what gives us these things. She is what causes soothing and alleviation and distracton. She allows physical form to give distraction. To live in a world oh so shallow, I cannot bother to live in these waters and breathe these airs.
It's formidable.
Each twang of my heart: and for some reason, this time, today it is easier to contemplate this. It used to hurt my heart or make my jaw twitch, but not today. I feel as if I can ease into this, the only thing that happens is a slight ache in my head that makes tears fall, but my body and mind and heart has been preparing for this moment and day. I always knew this would happen, where Neptune would take me back. No scenes or dramatic, quietly, and in mist Neptune would allow me to leave: I can't help but feel so cold.

he kicked shout and screamed and remnants of how i won't leave either of them drowns everything out:
i'm making his heart break \        it's the last thing i meant to do
i'm sorry it's my fault : i made him calm, can we talk it out later? this can be mended with time: i'm making his heart break . i don't mean to be wicked, i don't mean to be cruel : do you want a conversation? can we talk it out later?

this is driving me mad:
he's feeling so lonely, i'm really making him sad
and this ain't alright with me, it doesn't sit well
i'd let him hold my hand, and run before we fell
he doesn't see how i'm his, his, his, his kind of woman
i'm his, his, his, his kind of girl
i'm his, his, his, his kind of woman
and he's down on his hands and knees
begging me, please, to stay, and to stay near him

of the psyche that pours out
and my ******* it lands on your words
i keep it there and i hope you can feel
my body's warmth; my milk flatters your voice
soothes your throat
can you let it break through the screen
through your skin
and to your soul
can you let my ****** warmth warm up your soul
can you let calmness come inside my soul
still up and i am the only one you'd want

i see colors and i see the sparkles in people's eyes
i see the curiosity of why the sky is blue
and why the ocean is so deep
i get tickled by the way the grass nestles against my ankles
i still blush at the moon
i welcome the sun when i walk
i still pick up leaves, rocks, flowers and hold
them in free wonder, examining the beauty
and spiral of nature: don't you too?
i smile and through my mouth echoes sounds
similar to a toddler who is so amazed at the world around them
and still i find comfort in rolling around on
a fuzzy carpet on a floor, freeing and free
while i roll on blankets and become wide-eyed
at the bluejay i saw once again. i love the colors
that rotate on my ceiling and wall; i feel
free within the confines of these four walls
because i can be free inside and outside
i feel free from those things outside, i feel
apart of every mountain, sea, and shore
the stomach pains and the body aches
are the same when the rain comes
and when the wind blows
and when flowers die and grow
still, i am free, free, free
always free, i am always free
the satin of my pillow the feel of water
free in my mind mind and heart
and when i am myself, curious
and soaked in colors, i am free from here

there did I ever see someone near me: but then she sang so beautifully that it could be done, and that I could be One again
but the truth is, I was always One and my body seemed to forgot,
my mind floated around somewhere that wasn't where I was right now
my mind thinks and my body feels and I observe
my mind must be where my body is right now
my mind breathes in and out
my mind breathes in
my mind breathes out
my mind sees white walls
my mind types on a keyboard
my mind sits on a bed
my mind confuses and stumbles over words
my mind scans over keyboards
relinquished days my mind must be here
my mind is somewhere here
and my body is somewhere, where? it is here,
in a room? in a state? in the air? no, it's somewhere
here in this bed, on a cotton sheet with decaying green, yellowly orange, and a sweet little blue it reminds me of "you"
then my sheets, satin and in my nap this morning reminded me of water
yeah, thin layer of water above me, floating and squiggling like ripples in a rivet, rivet dream, river dream, rolling rivers, flowing and floating lonely: alone, all-one, dreams
and my leg hair stands slightly,
my body mutters to this song and smiles at the word lyrical
swinging sways, my body doesn't matter but my mind seems to think otherwise,
and my mind says hey! forget it!
my body looks both ways, and my mouth continues to chime out and mutters and sputters and spits and drips! i drool and i drizzle all the way into ... not town, into my bed. i'm in my bed,
and sometimes i feel free! I think I feel free! now!  i am free, the miracle breezes on me,
and i can feel this ceiling fan drizzling air on to me now and
frosting sifted through dreams and dawns the light is a dawn: the light bulb replicates the dawn, the strings are just strings and my body smiles my body coos and curls up into my shoulders, ooh my body swoons and *****, curls up into my shoulders, baby! my body moves left to right: presently, yes I am present! I think I am! i know! my mind smiles and my body smiles, fluttering unity and i am present my turls, toes, qworls and whirls! curl! they wiggle! words mean nothing to describe this madness and this chaos and this structure and the form and the beauty my head sways to sing and my body juts forward, backward,
sea of dainty leaves, thin water, a translucent daisy sky blue, a new blue, perhaps, a new one:
whiteish blue, translucent blue, ethereal light sky baby clear blue: what can words do? daddy, what can they do?
water blue? the water is the color of the water and the blue and my stomach rings with happiness joys that fills my dantian: and some tapping, my body smiles, curling lips and joyous flips!

call and see
the wounded goddess
any any time
don't let the words of pain fool you
when you're ready we can share the world
when you're ready you can see the real colors
that beam from me
when you're ready you can speak
the languages of love, chiama mi
when you're ready you can step into the bath tub with me
any time any place any where any way
any time any place any where any day
i'll always stay

who is that watching me in the water? who is that watching me by the waterfall now? who is panning around me like this?
who is staring from there? obliquely looking, obliquely placed --
is this the Other from within the body of mine being watched?
is the I that is visualizing and that resides in the body of mine being watched, is that not really me?
am i not this body? am i not under the waterfall?
Was it really your eyes? Am I looking at me this way, because I am your eyes?

Why don't I want some Body to join me in the cool waters? Why am I so scared for you to swim with me? Why do I not want to feel the eyes of Yours on me? Why Can't i be with you? Why won't i let you meet me in here?

I am obsessed with the idea of being so recognized: but my body still stays numb from the feel of Your Gaze, hoping yet repressing the fact you can find out Who I Really Am -- What i Really Am

sing in a higher pitch now . . .

like the swan in Genk, we swore we'd see,
the same one from 1999, wading in a
semi-shallow water, reading into the palm
of the water's rind. a reason to be near you,
anything other than love your blue mind zegt,
geel and, green whipped your heart open,
don't tell me I look like  my father,
he hasn't been around in years,
you tell me I have you instead of him,
instead of them, a bright life ahead of me,
een licht leven that way, this way, ik volg je.

lachjes

in my throat as the festivals in Diest en rond de lage landen,
beer: sour, sweet, something shaped like a nose—
neuzeken dropped on floors, sweeping up leaves—
your eyes, in the way they do, land at my feet,
eyes slowly float to mine, hard gaze in a sweet watery
daze drowning in a mudpit that is your iris,
manen in je ogen : in je ogen op de maan —
"a boring place it is, isn't it—Vlaanderen?" nooit.
beautiful, to me, as it's created a rarer jewel as you—
as a pearl pressed into form in the underside
of my tongue, as an oyster, clammy beds within.

THE GREEN QUILL-INK-PEN SYMBOLIZES MY NERVES -- and you want to change another page; I can't scape --> breezes away, wishes away . . . I need a little company, don't be so scared, I've got it, babe . . . all I need is for this bass to go a little deeper into economic gastric pain. Telephones ring and I still can't drive home by myself, those ends are permed -- calm your nerves.

nå gi meg etterglød liksom månen
gi meg elsker
gi meg en brann å brenne
og brenne kjærlighet inn min tuppene