shocksthroughmybraincouldntfigureoutwhyiwassostressedneverthought­aboutthatiwouldseeapigeonontheshrubassoonasiwenttocaptureitflewaw­ay

is this only where I shine? is this only where my voice thrives?
being in such a place, a damp and humid place that I believe is vignetted in rosey pink and chewed up bubblegum with spits of purple hues slobbered and drooled everywhere, dripping down the ceiling with a few seldom splashes —

is this scene, is this all I can sing? can I only describe stench, hot breaths, milky penny-like juices, and slits and poles that play and buck? can I only dream of seduction? is my head only full of love-marbles? I shake my head and you hear them, bounce, jiggle, clink and *****, full of color and perfect circularity: a tautology between my thighs and why do I thrive as I call myself your bim b0? as I call myself your cocoa hued bim b0? why have I thrived as a mammy and as a jezebel when I should not? why must my strengths harm other women around me? I do not mean to set back time, no, but pieces and acres of my heart remained colonized, and I can’t resist the temptation of my sweet man holding me back into the bed, with his vein’d hand between fat burnt globes on my chest, as he wiggles his free hand inside my crevice, heavenly burning crevice — I can’t resist a good man, a man’s man, a renaissance man, as I allow him to carve me into him — why, oh why, is this the song I sing?

wet in braga, down in lagos
where we go to escape seeing eyes, knowing eyes
to escape to temples of the sea,
then once there, we step inside
toes first for you and for me, heels first, yet legs in sync,
and inside ****** temples is there marbled ash and sea vein'd patterns
and is there samphire growing along the corners of our coastal home
but inside our temple, away from the singing shine of the sun, away from the ringing eyes of the sky, sit we in a chair,
you under me, legs spread as a king with your hands squeezing the armrest
and my body rolling like waves on top of you,
vision is hazy as you stuff your face into anemones bound to my ribs,
soft and plush, lush and plump, fat jugs that move like seawater, that moves like soft coral,  
you kiss me with your tongue as a master and I grab onto your bearded cheeks as a slave,
a desperate one, who begs for your loving mercy and kindness
as I await your order to put you inside of me, as I await your order to mount you,
and as a jezebel, I lure you into a perfumed bed and I lay there
lolled open as a wildflower
I smell as a salsify and with a roaring pleasure that swells over my billows,
I wait to satisfy you and to swallow your troubles away as the sea



as we wade down old cliffs, roll through old cities, I drink from a bottle with water
coming from algarve, as it brings ripples into our existence,

it has fluttered away . . .

your eyes shine like jewels
your skin glows like marble

I am the luckiest girl in the world, I have you, beautiful man, why do you not see how beautiful you are? I have never been with such a beautiful man, beautiful man, beautiful man,

how did we meet? why did we meet? Italy was everything, now here I am, your wife: my calls have been answered, my prayers have been answered,

you are so precious, I was afraid to love you, you are so precious, I keep you safe in my chest,

I forgot the way the damp Flemish heat sticks to my skin,
the tossing and turning and half draped blankets in a warm night next to a warm man whose chest rises and falls slowly and deeply and steadily in a deep sleep,
my heart and ***** swells with a soft and settled joy, yet balloons my eyes with a lip licking lust — a lean man, thin legs and arms with the right hints of muscle definition, a strong and defined jaw : his nose, perfect; just how I’ve dreamed of a man since girlhood, and I have a man from my stories, from my dreams, showing me the world and filling me up to the brim with his love —
a honey man, a Taurean man, a man of Venus …

my husband.

if i was normal I’d
wouldn’t call you daddy,
wouldn’t want to cuddle with a stuffy
and wouldn’t need to be treated like a child,
maybe it’d be better, maybe it’d **** more

but I want it and I need it,
don’t deprive me

he looked at me with stern eyes,
the first man to stay with me while I grow up,
the first man who looked at me in my eyes and said,
"Babies need to grow up too," and he said it to me with fatherly eyes
and soft kisses and a stern holding hand, not leaving my side and holding me as
I bloom towards the sun and sky, tells me he is always my daddy and he is always going to love me
like a father does, but I must continue to grow. He wants to love me and nurture me, he is tending to me, I see it:
it's blossoming, his love, he did it, today, he has finally shown me his fatherly love, his husbandly love, he's done it, and now I know it,
now I see it, I know, you, I see you.

My birthday is coming up, and he wants to see me grow. Sorry, don't take it the wrong way. You are the only one who has ever encouraged my growth, who has never held me back.

can't you tell me how I'm so **** the way I move my body up and down? don't you want to tell me how beautiful I am?
from your hands I could leave, wouldn't even break your heart right there, don't know if you would care, you probably wouldn't stare, what kind of point is this?

it's the f'ck'in' saddest thing, you come out of the bath and your sick body, feverish but still I find you pretty in all your illness, in all your indifference, look what I've done: mythologized in my head, in my heart and especially in our bed / what have I done? / how can i get over this when I want you to see it too, take my eyes and putthem in your head and then I want you to do, all I want you to do, is stare, at me, and see the sparkle, see the lovely, see the divine, see it the same way, see it in your way but the same way, you know? You know? Why? Because you don't even try.

wandering through the dead, through the forest, thinking over clouds and how you smile,

how I treat you like your perfect because I believe you are despite your ignorance, despite your indifference - maybe I'm wrong.

but still, some part in me doesn't care, I want to stroke your hair, come right here.

pretend to give me affection, choke to use your words, and come right here.

don't you want to tell me how beautiful I am (I'm not hiding), why do you act like I'm no where to be found?

A form of self-punishment:

not eating. Allowing myself to rot.

I need to rot every once in a while, af en toe. To remind myself of ...

..... [intermezzo] .....

yerba mate, the bladden likens itself as my mouth, spreading across my tongue as a wave and, with a morbid branching, increases towards my throat and deepest parts of my kidneys: safety [you sit there, in the deepest part of my kidneys, I keep you there, my husband, for safekeeping]

.... [ lude ... enter ... ] ....

something. I'm playing dead!

That's it : the cold, the outside, the exposure, the no where, the tears, the pangs, it's playing dead.  I play dead. Here and there, now and then, af en toe, every few months, I play dead. Then I run back to my life, to my daddy, my husband, my love, where I am alive.

but when I feel that steel, there follows the Lull of [d]Eat[h]. the Lull to drink Your pond until I no longer swallow for the swallows fly down and find my body to drift me upwards, drift my body on a piece of a driftwood where all the peace the World knows climbs onto and into me -- a mortifying echo of a hurt little angel -- time to move on, time to move on -- time to prepare and less grief -- I'll walk towards the coast of Your pond, tiptoe towards it, ponder how my body twitches and twittles when my insides are fully submerged -- swallow me whole. Swallow me, Hole.

Somewhere I was sitting in a  room around wishes, hopes, insecurities, screams, and cries . trapped back to memories on a colored steel playground, rough breathing, and trust-finding tears ,

a distorted view and scarred brain . like a wilted lavender plant or a fallen witch hazel bud, sitting before You on the bench besides the forest-sea makes me appreciate the ice You've brought forth to drizzle itself across the surface /

to let my ears be freed from warm poly-cuffs, fluffy freedom, my friend, I'll cry to be like you

i told myself you’d be gone by midnight,

but there you were in my arms in the dim light

casting shadows on to my shadowed body, with white seas (velour and micro) , that manage we manage to swim through, through into the forest where we’ve climbed the boterbergen, climbing over electric fenses, on the heide and in the way, the wind pulled and came to, us and held us in its palm as it guided us to the sprinkled heart in the middle of the heide:

love in the castle, screams of terror, kisses under the sun: trekking up the viewing tower, we saw the trees dance with us, with the wind and under the wind, your soul vibrates, electrically, signs of Him, the Kabouter Koning, in the forest: he gave us a blessing for our love, he gave us his blessing, he gave our love his blessing

you stayed at midnight, you stayed the rest of my life

what would we do without

the tuin with the glowing witch hazels? you blend with the twigs and the leaves that grow in a golden pirouette-- grow with the golden mean --

you tell me we are like lichens, interdependent and in love,

you smile as you smell, not roses, but the cunning papierstruikjes. you follow me with a doting smile, glitter trailing your feet.

i hold your hand and glide through the Calm Wood’s tuin, the Calm Wood’s squeaking forest: the bamboo clutters and sings for us, a rhythmic song for our new love, our marriage: proficiat! says the birds as they wallow by, the butterflies follow too, they sing, “Proficiat!” and they toast, “Schol!” and they stomp, “Gefeliciteerd!”

the most beautiful man, where the angels brought you to me, god, brought you to me: you kiss my cheeks, said, you’ll always be my daddy,

you kiss my cheeks, said, you’ll always stay by my side. witch hazels grow from your ears, lichens pool my tongue, your hands are warm despite the cold, I slip, full puddles, like a half-moon that’s folding under a full-cloud, or a half-sky, like blood, your blood and my blood, your ***** and my hair -- wrapped with a cord, smothered in dust, smothered in marjoram, smothered in spirit: forever, unbreakable, we’ve consented: we’ve participated in our ritual, breathing, looking, touching, tonguing, together... whenever... whatever we want to do...

a witches scent, following the sneeuwklokkjes, following the pretty dew...

stuffed a witch hazel in my pocket. stole it. toverhazelaar.

that's what you used to call me : you're little witch, prancing down and around in the dark. with the big ***** and a full smiled cutie, youthful talkin' on the phone all day. at first I ignored you , then you came walkin all around , tryna make:


until you saw something else, shiny and nice that maybe caught your eye, a little:

I used to think you were crazy, you know, loosed up screws and a few bolts missin' .


now I'm here wonderin' how I can get, a few bucks offa ya and make ya regret it, make him come back on his knees and get it,

get it, get it,


get this sweet dark ***** all on your mouth then make me roll ova, I miss the attention and things I would get, from you

when I came here today

I saw light coming through the windows and I missed it

a pause --



all I did , was wait for her , to exit and leave with , her kid .


when you came back today, all  I wanted to do was run , to you , and hug you .

I'm red - eyed 'cause of my insufferable nightmares that happen in the day time because I think too much about how I look and how I want to mold myself to be the one you love even though I have all of your love sometimes I just want to be me'


be more ,be more , be more , than I am, than you want: so I can always have you , be more be more, be more be more, be more, be more be more be more than I am, beyond me, beyond you, beyond anyone: It's from a hole in me, my love, don't you know? the hole in me , the hole in me

Make you beg for it:

But as someone said once: a militant black Madonna with the ‘fro, with the bush hair, the bush ‘doo – a black Madonna, golden grills and hot like lava, angels sing that I’m the heiress to the son of David – butterflies vast to my hair, lavender coils around my cobalt body, cerulean clouds echo into ultramarine, ultra-rays

to induce in you the passion I feel, yeah, magical and enthusiasm divining on your glowing skin, soft pinky white and fleshy: extended open vowel with a minor ending, jumping to a resonating and resolving major chord, no dissonance

I've got his last name with the ring on it: calling myself his wifey and him my daddy, pushing up against him with the butterfly in my hair, just enough combo with our bodies dancing in Kalmthout on the logs, glowing logs, paddenstool and we're never in a hurry: we told everybody and nobody, just like lovers do: alone and together, staring into eyes, kissing, rubbing, holding, best decisions we ever made: work my body, work your body, work my body, work your body, work my body, work your body

I shake it all for you, I grow it all for you, can you feel me?
Softness and imperfect but you know I'm worth it, I'll come right here: lick me softly between my fluffy legs and my chubby waist, my dear: I'm the real thing, don't you notice this: can you hold my hand? I'm the real thing that they pretend to be with corsets, bra, and more: my body is real, it's all for you, don't take this for granted come have it: I can't spend my life without you, crawl here and see what this mouth do:
daddy, my husband, you see me and you have me: all of me

can you hold me in your arms? I feel safe with you in me, near me,

you bundle my pain and pull it out of me, through me and like wires, sinewy like, dew sprinkled on your head, morning haze: dew and wood, and I know your smell so good, so

I smiled when I see you at night, your dizzy face, your pretty face, nose, eyes, lips:

you think the worst but I know how to: go into you, no
where you love , where you go:

I' sleep in our bed, you too, we both do: we sleep together, and we love, we live, love,


my husband, your wife: I 'm always yours, forever, my love

our life is going to be grainy photos, rolling grass, blades of clouds, curling toes into mud: pedaling down hills and falling over onto our tummies guffawing with red faces and sun-soaked skin: fans breezing by your face, heat and smallness inside: rings on our fingers, I love you forever

sometimes I hate it all, such love, until you kiss me
until I wake next to you, until I feel your face, until I lay my head in your chest

I want to dive like a falcon and pluck the features out of every single woman's face and body on the street, with my beak, until  I see every man and I use my talons to rip out every extremity

thank god I married you

want to make you lose control, I want to **** you inside, build you back up and destroy again and we can both play destroy -- we can play life and light, we can be natural with the world we are in tune we are in touch together we can sacrifice ourselves for each other, each other for ourselves, look me deep in my eyes, let go of your mind, let go of your binds, consume into me, indulge engulf, breathing real close

through dark smoke and mirrors in the window i watch you with cherry drunken lips that tingle under the moonlight sipping wine to smolder my body into your reflection wishing it was a way to solder us together yearning with desire a shy meek desire feeling like I’ve just met you for the first time; like we barely know each other and I’m crushing on you from afar wanting to spread my legs wide open for you because you’re the right one and you make me grasp onto the handles of this fridge and my chest is fronted forward tingling ***** and excited for you; slither forward and I’ll even crawl to you and my knees are weak and I’m a tiny bit just drunk, daddy

when will you be mine I know my jealousies are silly but I want you to be all mine in these ways and I want you to protect me can you tell me you love me more than I’ll ever love you and I just feel I need you

I tried to be big here
I tried to be slim there
— your eyes go up and down
— your eyes go up and down —
on her, on them — me? I go here and there
and your eyes go up and down —
do you even see me?

I think I just want this to be clear: that,
I just want to come and stay, in a warm,
secure, and loyal place… love…

one for sorrow,
two for you,

sometimes I drink
sometimes I sleep

three for marriage,
four for us,

what about me?
what about me?

Don’t even go there —
won’t be alone there —
can’t we just stay right here
until the next dawn?

it doesn't matter how it changes, it doesn't matter where it stays but you, this time, were the one, watching me walk through the door, you watched me scurry away with my pigtails, you watched me in your socks, your things, and watched me run away from there. a way of alienating, sad way of isolating, can you save this poor girl that i am still? changing.

that sting a little bit
I should have grown wiser, I should have grown much more older
I should be not so hurt by such petty little things

but still I did, and it hurt me to see that sparkle, to see that smile, that should have been me

Even when I'm this sick, standing up and kissed with snot and ick, you come over and wrap your arms around me and let me rest my heavy head in your chest. Soft chest, thin arms, strong hold on me. Feeling safe, coddled, and like a little girl in your arms. Breathing your cotton and wool in, looking into your patterns and swirls. Even now, soft glances at you across the table, diagonally, and watching your sharp eyes and sloped nose, like a soft mountain or hill with a pointed cliff, beautiful in your way as I love you and feel you are beauty, soft skin that glows a warm pink and brown hair peppered with gray strands and a five o'clock shadow to cloak and hug your jaw: such long lashes and I see why they all stare at you, at such a pretty handsome face, and I remember to look a bit deeper from your skin but I get distracted by the thin wrists and blue veins roped around your hands and leading into your thin fingers that toy with coins and fiddle with hairs and twirl around my tepels.

circling around the room, wondering where it goes to after dark, dressed in claddalily pinkadaisydilly— lily ponds and pads wet with moisture wrinkling my face to a soft mesh and unfolds quickly hoping you also write my name on every page and we try and try again, one day, you’ll see I was probably the best thing to happen to you and you can say it with certainty one day, that it’s my touch that you need, become entranced with me and enchanted with me, breathe me and smile at me: what’s the need for everyone else when it could be just you and I? breathe me in, let me be the touch that you need, the only one, only me, find yourself in me, come inside me and fill me, everywhere

pushed to this point …
readily aching …
resting and, sure, …
maybe, I’ll end … up on this shore,

I’m turning a new leaf with no pictures of you,
I hope you understand,
the way I’ve been dreaming and trying,
someone who doesn’t fear my love,
mmm mmm, but you do

you do


scared, maybe you should be,
we … floating, too,

i want you to tell me you’ll never do that again
i want you to tell me in your words that i’m the most beautiful to you
i want you to tell me in your words that now it’s just me, that now it’s only me
tell me over and over again
convince me of it
convince me that it’s just me
convince me that’s it’s only you and i
convince me of it
make me feel it
convince me

in this zoom you feel my love, moment who takes and tackles what is true: what's truth? the truth lies, speak your truth, my, oh my, your heart reaches into your throat, you speak, i rub: you now touch your toes, you hide and i pry; shy away, from crumbling: out of your mind, where is your mind? not in your mind, not in your body: dreamy, hazy, life is but a dream, we're dreaming, feel hazy love, that feeling you feel is your love, it's your feelings, it's your door it's open as wide as i spread your legs, moving you, moving you, then we both say: I do.

i’m feeling trapped, alone, and weak
i cry by myself because the noise made me
in such distress, i felt myself leave my body
to escape the crowd and noise
and just shut down from the world
i want tenderness and someone to understand and to kiss me gently with protection until it goes away
tell me it’s all better until it’s all okay

all I can come to believe is I'm too in love ; I've been took my risk so long ago , I dusted the places in your heart and home; you took me for granted and now I feel alone, it's more than just if you notice . . . so many words that you seem to not act on . . . who wants to take me, this orphan, as their own?

cold coffee in a morning dew, brewing near the farm and you can see the doves flying in from holiday, next neat row to the next,

pouring her water into the drain, somewhere it ends up where the man in the high tower suckles it for a green that he secretly knows grows from the trees in his garden, the tree with bark made of flesh, branches of veins, sap of blood, leaves of fibrous sinewy muscle mixed with hair and veins, and fascia that reminds of moss and lichens that crawl over its roots: there we go, into the garden, to smell the burning scent of flesh, the creeping scent of melted waste

I can’t help but wonder

how true it is — you had no problem online,
in Italy all the other women came to your mind,
but now, when you have me, you can’t say anything,
I’m invisible somehow

I came back upstairs to be near you again, to finish working,

but I just felt bad, reminded of the past mistakes and the lies that I uncovered: it's the lies. the continuous lying, the faking, the pretending, the big lying, that hurts. i saw you as an honest man, a man who told the truth. and i thought you were cuz you could say mean things, i thought it was the cold hard truth but you lied out of fear, like a coward. i thought you were honest.

now i have to recollect the pieces, help us move forward. day by day. maybe another sleepless night for me.

My love, I hate to hear and see you so miserable. It hurts me almost as much as it hurts you : but we will get through this. You said it yourself, things will calm down. It will. All emotions, all struggles, all happiness passes eventually. This will pass too: I firmly believe it. I might make you feel worse because I'm also sad, but let's both swim through these seas: the misery, the pain, the sadness won't last forever. I know you're stressed from work, from our house, from our problems with ourselves: we will fall into place, our life together is in the making, we make it, we are going to do just fine. Not a hopeful wish, but a certainty.

A promise to you: today, we will quickly eat a light lunch. Another promise: after, we'll go into the forest. A nice time, relax, let go. Then, when we come back to our little garden house, after work, we'll clean the area of negative energy by cleaning the dishes. Vacuuming. We can clean our selves while we clean our home.

It'll take a lot of energy, but we can get through it. Taking care and love.

when he touched me, when our bodies moved roughly, rawly, with a desperation that I could finally feel, I felt our love, I felt our happiness, I felt our sadness, I felt everything we've had so far, I've felt what we will have in the future: my missing part, my only part,

and I tried to wrap myself in that feeling while I cried in the night, tried to wrap myself in your arms, cuddling against your back, resting your head in my chest, while I cried remembering the love we made and how good that felt then to remember the lies and betrayal for so many months

I'm taking it hard just like you knew I would

move forward together, a step at a time, holding each other's hand, I'll never regret you, you'll never be my biggest mistake, sadness and happiness, that comes with a love like yours, that comes with a love like ours and I think I wouldn't want you to be any other way

Loving you is always easy, but you aren't always so easy, but that's okay. I like it, I love you

if we can't make it through this, then we can't make it through anything, and I'm not going to give up

I cried all night until there was nothing more,
what good will I do as a heap on a floor?
I will keep with my devotion, but it’s just no good
I’m taking it hard just like you knew I would
What can I do with my broken heart?
I want to piece up our puzzle because you’re my missing part,
I’ll do whatever I can to fix our broken hearts

Using tape and glue and soldering us together,
There’s nothing broken that can’t be fixed: cried in my chest and whispered that I could fix you,
With all my tools, I’ll fix your broken self, with all my tools I’ll fix my broken heart

I want to be kissed gently
my ******* to be kissed with care and love
my waist to be held by your soft delicate hands and fingers
to feel your gentle touch, your light licks at my *******
I want my body to be feeled up by you, with affection pouring out of
your finger tips and palms and into my skin, attaching yourself
to me, I want you to latch onto me sometimes. I love when you do that,
it makes me feel loved and wanted: you don't have to say anything,
just show me with your body. When you do that, I love it. I'm not
complaining that you never do it:
just now, I crave it. I yearn to be latched onto, I yearn to be held
gently and even a bit desperately.
Latch onto me, and for a good while. Latch onto me for a good while.

all of me: can you tell me you want all of me?
you want to take all of me, and that you’re no good without all of me: tell me that you want all of me and not all of someone else, can you keep your pieces on the floor please? we can really put you back together, not hide your mess under the bed — so stay like that, stay in pieces, so we can put you back together.

be your self, don’t pretend, no more pretending please, no matter how i react, no matter what i say, take off your mask, stop your charade, honestly, be authentic, I want to hold you

I almost felt good to know that you needed me, that you felt maybe you couldn’t go on without me for a bit, but is that what scares you about us being close? that you need me? that you can’t go on without me but you can’t control me, I could leave you — and now I feel as if this is all in smoke even though I have your love, at least, even if you lie and cheat and betray me, at least you’ll somehow say that you love me.

seeing you cry and curled up into my chest, I saw the real you. for once, I saw a real peek into you. the things you said, the way you held your head down, the snot in your nose, the cries — you spoke and expressed but each word came out with a stutter, with a hesitation, with a breathlessness — i finally saw, clearly, how unnatural it was for you to speak and open to me.

i’m selfish because i want to see more of that. i want to see more of this real you. i want to know more about this real you. i don’t want you to lose yourself but i think you’ll find more of your pieces if you show me, if you keep your mask off, if you let yourself be broken.

but what about me? all of me? it’s worse that you don’t remember, that you don’t know why, that I have to take a leap of faith, now maybe you know how I have felt, so scared I’d lose you. but it was because you were on the edge of completely leaving me. you have such an advantage, knowing i’m too weak to leave you though part of me almost will say “I want to go,” but that part is quiet and hurt and angry and has to pick up my own pieces by myself — the person I thought I knew seemed to do something devilish, and I was hoping I’d never find out that you are like those other men.

don’t close up now, I don’t deserve that, I don’t deserve you to close up, I do these things for you, I’ve done these things for you, I held you like my own in my arms, held you like a newborn out of love because even though I felt so betrayed, I’m too weak when I see you cry when I know you wouldn’t move. Even though I felt so betrayed, I walked up to you because I knew you wouldn’t move because I knew you’d let everything fall and wouldn’t try.

and I thought i felt your love, things changed so much in Spain. something in you changed when you saw me again, changed where I finally felt your love, I finally felt like you wanted me at least a little bit. I want to feel your feelings by your laughter, your crying, your restless legs, your sulking body, your breathless and difficult words of expression, say the scary things. say you need me, say the scary feelings. say the outlandish irrational things. say them to me. say it to me.

But I have to try, I have to do something, because I needed your support because I wanted support because I wanted the truth because I wanted you and only you and to be meshed together in a union and to be ebbing back and forth together and I have to believe you when you say it like that, I have to believe you when you say you don’t know why, I have to believe you when you don’t say anything at all, I have to believe you when you freeze, I have to believe you when you close up, I have to trust you and believe you I have to trust and believe that you really love me

I love facing the sun
the burns she can give
I love facing the sun
with the messages she gives me
being in grass and inside a gentle nature
no care for the rest of the ego in the world; with such a tight embrace and a care for, the way he held my head like a newborn, inside his arms under the sun, and in that moment I won, and in that moment I won, and in that moment it’s one, and in that moment I’m one

everything he touched turned to gold, right then that moment was mine, it helped her believe it was mine, he helped me believe it was me

I wanted to swallow into his arms, soak in his skinny long arms, throw myself out by the ocean, his ocean into his houses and waistbands

I want to swim away to a way where I can be again
available and a little bit swimmingly, be a little bit little, be little,
little into the moment
swaying with me into the time
music into the life, speaking music into my belly
re-poised so I can no longer hear it, be here, in there — crying into the arms of another, into your chest, into the realms of another, into the days and life into another, that man who smelt of earth and bees and dirt and even a bit of garlic— something like cooking, something like trust, something like love, swim into your love — can’t you sway me that way, be with me that way, stare at me that way — sometimes, only sometimes — pretend with me sometimes, sometimes, pretend with me some of the times

restless in the way you move, restless in the way you love her — restless in the way you swoon me,

don’t want to treat her now — wasting away and how . . .

coughing here, I come and go …

resting, no, though I… know…

so, what about, the wind it blows….
goes terug toe — too and fro….

blame it on her, blame it on your speel kast
never believing half… rest of the study stays and pretends I’m nothing, bend to my will, no. . .

asking me will it grow — diamonds shine in the dark

when I’m sad treat me like your daughter

cutting myself on, with a peach, bleeding alone, bleeding around indifferent people:
indifference, always indifferent, never different, never so-changing:
even a bloodstain on my shirt, makes no difference, makes no change
leaving *****, numbness spreads throughout my toes and head, body flinging, flying
simmering on my skin

how did it feel? this time to be somewhere green, to be seen as one of the older women, amongst the table of young ones: where as then, she embodied the small angel alone whilst the one who noticed glided over with wings; thus, so did I, once again, since birth, become the ook small angel, alone yet no one notices—no one noticed but for others, it was noticed: who am I kidding, why am I kidding, the thoughtful eyes he gave there, what I'd do for those eyes to watch me now, with that same interest, that same intent: but this is why I feared my own children, for that same intent and same interest, no longer lied within me, something I've always wanted: but no longer around me or within me or by me or for me or through me: no longer. no longer. nothing else, no longer. never more longer. can I have those eyes? please? can I get those stares, please? you express through the eyes, the body, so can I have it too, please? am i blinded when its me? are you blinded when its me? me too please, please, me, too, I want it too, please, yes, please, give me some too, share it with me as well, please, I would like some too: small, delicate, quiet, in the wind: flowering, please, share some with me too, yes, please, I'm asking quietly and nicely, for me to have some too: yes, please, me too. but I said it with a harsh tone, I don't know why, it wasn't really me, it was a deflection, a defection, not a real me, a shadow me: not the real me, the real me was ... is ... trapped many years ago, yeah... in the same state many years ago, yeah ... many many many years ago. many many years ago. besides today? yes, many many many many years ago: would he know what I mean in here? would he know what I'm saying in here? would he know what I'm doing in here? would he see me in here? can he see me in here? does he see me in here? will he?

All The Things I’ll Do


I’ll burn it now
burn it to smithereens now
never holding it again
never touching it again
never rubbing it again
never kissing it again
never squeezing it again
never crying into it again
my own, my own
my own, my own
for me, no one else
my own, my own,
no one else’s
no one else’s eyes
no one else’s touch
my own imprint
my own energy
no one else to sully it
no one else to destroy it

Like a butterfly struggling to flitter and flutter its wings in the terrential Flemish rain, pushing her way through, with her tiny body and light wings, onto a bright green leaf: shelter for the moment, until its clear as day again. waiting for the rain to subside, and the sun to come and a breeze to strollby. that is I.