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acacia 23h
Like a butterfly struggling to flitter and flutter its wings in the terrential Flemish rain, pushing her way through, with her tiny body and light wings, onto a bright green leaf: shelter for the moment, until its clear as day again. waiting for the rain to subside, and the sun to come and a breeze to strollby. that is I.
acacia 1d
I shake my head fast back and forth
my body rocks slow back and forth
I have to drown out these thoughts
drown out my own voice

pull in happy things,
I have to trust him, I cannot do this to him,
I have to listen to my heart and to reason,
I have to find reason: I have to trust myself and him,
I have to trust him, I have to be okay, I have to breathe,
I can get through this: I can be okay, I can get through this,
I am okay: I will trust myself, I will trust him.

Always. I have to. For survival.
acacia 1d
eyes closed within there's a scribbl,e
a monster, sideways, horizontal, sharp edges:
hard breaths, gray background, filtered: and it'll make me
run away, deep breaths, why did those things happen this way?
is there no other way? is there nothing else to do? all this way, all this way, I came all this way, I thought I wouldn't have to leave you again, I thought I would never have to leave you ever again, I came all this way, I came all this way, I tried so hard to prove to you that I was worth it, I changed so many horrible things about me and I'm still trying and changing, was it not enough
acacia 1d
your words are just words. I was right, it is all just talk:

you had no intention to take me

I gave myself up completely, I completely gave myself
to you, I said I would, body and soul only to be met with
lack of care, lack of drive for us, lack of intention, maybe even
being pulled along a string: just fluffy words, just words that
meant nothing.

this will be my silence, my silent thoughts.

once again, being denied devotion in my life. being denied giving my love, my devotion, my commitment, because others had no care for me,
no intention for me, no want for me. when the moment could have been ours, in OUR hands, in our control, it no longer is. and I'm the one most hurt. as always.

I'm always the one who loves the most. who loves more. who would do anything for the other. but never me.
acacia 1d
last night he showed the same ounce of care he
used to — my phone — away for the night

my heart was overjoyed, just give me the chance and I know I’ll always be good

I’ll do what is good for me if you do the same thing with me, routine over and over it is please in guises of newness and creativity and new places

my closest friend
acacia 1d
daddy i know you are reading this
yes this is my direct please to you

I want the most in the world
I want you as my father to treat me as your own daughter
I want you as my best friend to be your closest friend
I want to be your woman, your lovely loving wife
I want to be your lover to fill your life with joy
and I want us to be equals as human beings

I want to mean all of these things to you

I want you to be yourself in all these angles
treat me as your daughter as your wife as your lover as your equal as your best friend please

to me you are my lover, my closest friend, my father and my equal, another human being, yourself

it’s what I want the most. this is what i want from you. you want to make me happy, this is what will make me happy for life. this is all i’ve ever wanted. daddy. my daddy. your little girl.
acacia 1d
why can’t I have a second chance at having a father? a man who will love me more than anything (maybe not more than himself)—

why does everyone get a second chance at everything but when i want a second chance at having a father, a man in my life who can do that for me without a problem — i must forcibly allow my life to go on without these things?

i want a second chance at a childhood
i want a second chance please
seriously not for fake but for real please
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