How do you remember the name of the birds?
Can I find out, like you, by watching these blue birds?
He whistled a bird song
Something specific to me, not whistled too long
Pattern revealed, asking me how-I-do-song
I want my father, not a weight of nappies
I want to drift off on your warm lap, daddy
Name of my 'F'ather, I've drowned him, replace him?
I'm the one you seek to fulfill

Daddy can you show me how I’m nature?
daddy can you show me the world?
Show me where my skin begins and where yours ends,
show me where our feet connects to roots
show me how my hair looks like leaves
show me your heart beats in synch with the birth
and death of every child born
show me how my waist moves in time with the melody
of the ocean
show me how our waste replicates the running river
call me nature, bring me back to nature, show me how I am part of nature, show me how I am part of you, show me how we are part of everything
make me feel part of everything
make me feel part of you
make me feel part of every mountain, sea, and shore
make me your sensuous object of nature
you’ve said it once: I’m a naked nymph part of nature
rubbing you, a mythical man part of nature your head in my lap

and i wish there was another world this neverh appened
drin

and again the life seemed to be fleeting:
dreams slid away near another pipe fleeting way: back to the other goal where under the doors these men slid where I wear sparkles, triangles, neon green and round plump skin clap against each other, sweat bounces off in pearls from my thighs, heels clack against the porcelain: where they want a **** girl, and a dishonest one: green falls into the straps of my thong, and the string is platinum like worth of his G-Wagon: and he stands near me, worthless male and trying to figure out how my body became this way: but my mind is out of their sights and my heart is around the corner —(this felt like a break up, I dance the abandonment away: all I think of is his neck, wrapped around my vision and I wonder what’s he’s thinking, he’s drinking, I’m seeking the long life, and his easy one, and his pretty one, and I name all the men who hurt and loved me before, I never wanted to be more near a man before, and there came back to me before, and he called me before, before I came to this club, and they texted me before, before I got here onto this podium and a drink falls onto my back and I balance ******* and a martini with an olive next to me with a lobster, maybe sometimes clams that they will eat while I perform)  hips thump into the beat, and a grimace face going up and down watching my spine grind and the pole shakes with my hands wrapped around like a candy cane: stiletto lights sparkle in the night like a raid light, bomb lights and dust becomes visible within the light and something like a synth creates warning in the atmosphere with a bass and a trill and a hihat, (he’s back in my mind — I look away)
my mind is removed from him, and he doesn’t walk around near my long legs: he came by my pole talking about how he wanted “to **** me up,” **** my cheeks up? “I can show you these releases, my girl, I can show you what relief is—“ I collapse

and acacia curled up
and she cried
she grabbed her teddy bear
and into the soft brown fur
she cried into her own soft brown fur
and with the soft brown fur
tried to forget the blurry eyes
the clammy hands
the smells and the feels
but the smell became strong
and the memory of the touch became strong
and the way the wetness came out
and the way the ******* tingled
made her cry more and wished
to be removed from her body
so this no longer kept her
she touched her tongue to the ear
the furry ear of her teddy bear
and cried morning because this
is the same way it happened
why this little girl
why her, this poor angel
the poor sweet angel
curled up in a whisper
tears slowly falling and
her stomach becoming slowly nauseous
and the movements and memories repeating
on her lips, past her eyes
why did my mommy do this?
why did my family hurt me this way?
her body to be innocence
****** and vulnerable
in her papa’s arms acacia is safe
little acacia, the little angel, is safe
she wept to herself
pushed fingers inside of her
begging the fingers to make her forget
but she became more prone
more vulnerable and she cried more
into her teddy bear and all her stuffies
that were always there for her
and she knows she has sunshine in her heart
it’s always there, her papa’s always there
and she longed for the nights she could
rest her head in his chest and he’s wrap
his hands and arms around her ears and forehead
the way he did — now the numbness kicks
in and she must remember there’s sunshine
in het heart, it’s always there

sick and tired of these feelings, of the way that i feel — i’m always dreaming and it’s never for real. for this, i have to take my life in my own hands. i have to be the one i want and the one i need. i can’t rely on someone else anymore. things are changing in me and stirring even more. i don’t want this sad song in my sweet heart, i don’t like that i want love and attention. but because of this i have to change. i have to be stronger. i have to protect and nourish the flowers within me. i can’t allow the actions and words of anyone, anyone, to ever get to me ever again. i won’t let myself feel this way ever again. i won’t allow it.

i’ve spoke about this: you’re too good to be true,
slightly flawless, perfection ever near: something like an Ideal, something soothing like a crystal mirror
though after all, i day dream, i do:
when you see me, my face in your hands,
looking at me with those truffling eyes: whispered,
“come home with me, come home with me tonight — a one way ticket, come home with me”
floating figurines, floating notes: soaring falsetto, my heart skips beats
and after all, you mean this, you do
slightly flawless, you’re too good to be true

I want you
to take me
as if I am
your own
treat me
like I am
your own
see me
as if I
am your
own

how did I come back from this vision feeling more in love with you?
and just so much certain that I'm hopeless for you,
just so much certain that you what I want to do:
even if you're not, I can be hopelessly devoted to you.

cleanse me
bathe me
teach me how to be a strong woman
softly kiss me
nurture me
protect me with what you can give
you wipe my curls out of my face
just to see me more
you say nothing
your eyes soak me in
and we go home

by Jove, I want to sit on his lips: I’m his, I’m his angelic ***** —
I fill the hours, the nightly hours, in winter sitting by the bay — always a wonderful day
  when I see your sparks that light the dark,
   a million colors come out to play, astral orbs guiding my way

dark, mirrors, cut:
you didn't know you'd have this much fun
dark, mirrors, cut:
can you describe this feeling?
dark, mirrors, cut:
will you let me call you that?
dark, mirrors, cut [prolonged]:
you didn't know you'd feel this strongly

and you know you love when i'm your good pretty girl,
come on, you know you love when i'm your good pretty girl:
you feel like sugar in me, i'm like chocolate to you

dark, mirrors, cut:
you can be my daddy: light, camera, action: sparkles, crinkle, cut: your little sprinkle: feels like a nightingale in me: you can be my daddy::::: Lana Del Rey

i want to lock the doors
and shut the blinds!
no one else is gonna see me for nights:
now on, the door is closed
to you and the rest of you, world!
i dreamt in and out of a grand delirium,
grandiosity— of falsity, and shatter this illusion! it’s been shattered— and i see the reality;
i’ve wrapped her back in the blanket, where no one else may harm her::
she cries out to be back with the Other newborns, but i must keep her safe::
she will be torn apart over there, and i cannot and will not let this beauty be torn apart:
even if it is only i who think of her as this beauty,
this beauty will not be forsaken.
i comb her hair and wet her gills and mist her scales; her tale flops over the bed and her dewy celestial eyes look out with a knowing and a hope and an omniscience::
she challenges me to speak and sing, she tries to control the movement of my chords, and we recoil back into the house.

Love the feel of the braid against my finger tips
braided cords into twisted edges
******* my ears
hold enough down til you see her by the water
on the outskirts of town
drinking berry juices
holding horns
drinking wine
Butter gone

for all the nights I've slept
missing the opportunity
to kiss you and hold you —
the spot on my mind, my forehead,
my third eye, that glows with a hunger
I ask you to kiss me there! right there!
kiss me there so I can melt the pangs
of distress to make my needs met,
unmet needs and kiss my forehead
plant your seed of love so that it
may grow in my dreams
visions of love and healing
tension relieving and unfurling

lay in satin sheets: I'm longing to be near my dear somebody, who lies his head on a cotton pillow / my heart is hopeful to find some peace tonight with your ghostly arms. a sky blue my body drives over, filling up space in your heart, and I wouldn't mind taking up all the space: crevices filled with sunlight and this love. I reach up to grip the branches, you and your few gray hairs, charm me like something new; he's my old man, with creases in the way he does things; fabric plate shifting each direction my hips churn: my heart stumbles when I feel your wind, someone who I think I might need, and I'd want to be tied and true to you; I'm always true to you, darling, in my mind. blackened halls and pillows, something else to do. and when it is gone, the eyelashes I cry to and the colors of the walls are too white;

i throw away all my stuffies

rest assured, it is a new day. Feeling wrestle into an arthimacy, diplomicary shingles as if wind hit the walls. wasted momentum, mediocracy confers the word in my thought process: gentle as blankets, still cold my upper arms to freeze. thudding rise against the windows, forecasted five minutes ago: wind hit the walls. another ten-seconds ago. i (close( the gray landscape: within these walls are slaughtered names,

though,something changes like the flames intensity . . . I hear this blare,these blares of starlight, or better yet it is star dust that sprinkles all over me like snow, whirring hills float away like a powder: even better, a star powder coats me. there is dead grass being rubbed against another one: did she remember me? has this teacher remembered? for she pops from my memory and dreams into the soft crooning of the violin -- where did she come  from? where have you been, for once I read of you. such darling drops against the )opened) files:
              the thirst for their blood melted away, as if I didn’t really want it at all: pressured eyes and knitted brows, another dream of walking away. . . walking the same way. . . I called out to you higher being, in the midst of the night like I should have, and like I did have. I waited, it’s okay: higher vibrations I must seclude myself in: surround myself from. higher energies, higher milkings. dressings from an outer view, innerspace. let the landscape whir me into a completely hypnagogic state: no longer afraid.
              interferometric: study of the view. alternative mar: different ocean: analogous planet: this is the landscape.

                                   rocking, rock, waves splash into a corner: a choked cough, a sleeping hiccup. . . coffee machines whir with smoke whir, a shimmy. a shiver, a cash register dings. wading from side to side, hunched back. and doors open: revealing this mysterious alphabet, but with eyelashes and it seems to be growing smoother: striated discks linger into the atmosphere, it moves me did you enter me? we’ve begun to grind: strings plucked: staccato entered me: do you see the swift turnings and vibes: my eyes widen to see what it is within the picturesque writing away into little most of nothing
           you turn my cogs, the gears working and running as I shout into the busy bush: passerby exclaim back in a normalized ritualized setting. nothing’s unique: here there has been a union. . . colored.

        Regarding the imposter:        they’ve apologized. They are so beautifully ignorant, we have chosen to forgive. So routinely ignorant, it’s okay for they manipulate with appearance: zany, out there, so much fun to be around someone so ‘routinely’ so seemingly different. within the same faux-boundaries as you. my brows knit in anger, my fists clench: do they clench as your jaw?         You have let a monster out: you have forgiven the monster: not for me to judge once more as I know have regarded you as the enemy: my head rocks hard, as if I am : pitted against myself; it is not stable to the wall: the crown smothers against the wall, suffocating each pore of this walls: secrete a sweatbead from this wall’s pores: coinfusion reaching you, but as it has only a few minutes ago . . .
    all energy perhaps breathed
    at once, because this was
     a unified time for
      all. in a vacuum.

DARK piano: sneaking and dash. tip toe tip toe, cello cello. step step step step up up down down. this is how we play a double-bass. and then we bow, then and then we bow: low low and low. lower and rolling, and a melody: and i thank you. we turn, turn and go. rest-assured: these are all the things you are

IV.

A glass of still water
a trickling forest
knives whirl
a sound of breezes
pricking yourself to gear a squeeze of juice
Lemons -> no, not those
not a fruit -> bandits intrigue me in the most ways ->
not this pen, and not another cycle ->
you are too young to understand:
Relinquish my soul -> take away me from a starting point,
move yourself these synodic cycles.
One more solo one more refrain here also once more
A gain, wrinkles in the skin
A wrinkle.
A glass of still water
a trickling forest
knives whirl
a sound of gales

III.

A sun grooving, its tendrils and stagnations fidgeting under a rainbowic sky: included in the backdrop belongs an angel of the highest order: there is I, a 2D human admiring this Principle - embodying it in each morsel of my knowable Soul -> she sparkles radiantly, drinking the cream dripping from the Clouds. I swoon: They tell me otherwise, saying it [the Angel] is I, and to recognize that Self within the Reflection. The Angeled Me responds in a plié, the second position, and frills around: a bird eats from her skin, a new scale growing in place of the eaten cotton-candy -> I taste her skin in my mouth as it melts: a Sun grooving, its tendrils and stagnations opposing.

II.

Long fingers caress a cheek -
some footsteps in red kitten-heels
legs sway, a skirt walks down to the ankles - a dream:
men pick up a briefcase
and something shoots before him - a busy highway
a street filled with trees and a leaf makes way into the turn
a belly button ***** in breath:
a nod, a smile, trilling guests drink sparkling wine
trite until a little longer, a baby cries within a car seat.
"No!" Dad yells. "Yes, tomorrow." A retortist.
The Dad falters, deflating lungs, shoving his head on the window
pout. long fingers caress a cheek -
some hand prints from pink underbelly flesh

I.

i see stars fall behind me ... twinkles strongly smell of acid-rain tonight ... darling, see a see                     - scatting, again, a plea; a knowingly kindly understanding comment. a little group begin to lecture thee: and they leap, going, - shake their fingers. a bird tweets along in accordance - a stain on the shirt, as a mountain curls. i sing with smugness and a novel-longing
           |-> why did you ruin - monologue, no sir! this is my refrain. i see stars fall behind me ... uniform refrain: then it is ...

he looked at me with stern eyes,
the first man to stay with me while I grow up,
the first man who looked at me in my eyes and said,
"Babies need to grow up too," and he said it to me with fatherly eyes
and soft kisses and a stern holding hand, not leaving my side and holding me as
I bloom towards the sun and sky, tells me he is always my daddy and he is always going to love me
like a father does, but I must continue to grow. He wants to love me and nurture me, he is tending to me, I see it:
it's blossoming, his love, he did it, today, he has finally shown me his fatherly love, his husbandly love, he's done it, and now I know it,
now I see it, I know, you, I see you.

My birthday is coming up, and he wants to see me grow. Sorry, don't take it the wrong way. You are the only one who has ever encouraged my growth, who has never held me back.

all I can come to believe is I'm too in love ; I've been took my risk so long ago , I dusted the places in your heart and home; you took me for granted and now I feel alone, it's more than just if you notice . . . so many words that you seem to not act on . . . who wants to take me, this orphan, as their own?

where do these feelings come from?
would he still be here when i wake up?
i cant finish my food, i just dont feel well anymore
now everything keeps slipping
if i wake up, please be by my side in the morning
please
almost wanting to die by the beach: --> this is so embarrassing, please don't be ashamed of me for feeling this way please don't leave if i wake up

ask if i can stay with you tonight
ask me to not hang up tonight
so many technicalities and loops
it seemed like maybe you didn’t
want me to leave, is it okay to say
that you feel nice in my presence
at night when you sleep? especially when
i’m quiet and it’s peace
ful. can you say it please? just once?
for me? and i can make it
my duty to never leave you at night
again

when he touched me, when our bodies moved roughly, rawly, with a desperation that I could finally feel, I felt our love, I felt our happiness, I felt our sadness, I felt everything we've had so far, I've felt what we will have in the future: my missing part, my only part,

and I tried to wrap myself in that feeling while I cried in the night, tried to wrap myself in your arms, cuddling against your back, resting your head in my chest, while I cried remembering the love we made and how good that felt then to remember the lies and betrayal for so many months

I'm taking it hard just like you knew I would

move forward together, a step at a time, holding each other's hand, I'll never regret you, you'll never be my biggest mistake, sadness and happiness, that comes with a love like yours, that comes with a love like ours and I think I wouldn't want you to be any other way

Loving you is always easy, but you aren't always so easy, but that's okay. I like it, I love you

if we can't make it through this, then we can't make it through anything, and I'm not going to give up

Look at your wings: they’re crushed, broken, snapped, they’re in oblivion. How can an angel like you fly off to Heaven, now? You ought to stay here and I ought to sew your wings back. You ought to stay here and I ought to bathe with you. … Shimmery, glimmery, glinting, gun-metal your wings resemble. Dull earth your eyes are, little rocks protrude from your skin, aye; a mess you are, Angel, and a cleanser I am, Angel.

serving of three for the lord, serving of four for the ones who delay their rites of passage:
the young folks laid under the mist of this higher sphere, look and see only clouds: the illusion of the water and air blind them from the forces they also having coming.
a cord connects you, above below, beyond inside. . . thorough in the way you dig deep into these bodies: formed in material destroyed in material. though the HIDDEN god does not create or destroy, the craftsman does.

sunny: the bright days are here. for the HIDDEN INVISIBLE god is no longer eclipsed by the demiurge. pronoia and providence for all, always has been.

for things to be nonlinear: the essence of the trap . . . the circle in essence is the trap. shapes are the trap. forms are the trap. anything with form is the trap. the trap, or a womb? shall this be the womb, and when we are liberated we are to be truly birthed? but birth and death remain concepts within the material, for they are concepts of create and destroy: that is demiurgic. to be the demiurge is to create and destroy. birth and death are insights of him, the craftsman. the natural state is to be. the being is the true god. being is the true god. life and death is the demiurge. nature reflects the insight of the god and the demiurge. the demiurge is selfish: self-reflection, self-insight he did. he shows us God's self-evident nature: Self. Self. The Self . . . the Jiva and the Atman. the one and the many. join together to be divisible and indivisible. to be in and out.

the centre: dynamic and homeostatic
circumference: the boundary, the gates, a trap: a trap is enclosed, circular is enclosed.
astrology shows us the circumference: the boundary, and we are right in the centre: dynamic and homeostatic.
must use astrology, know it, to break through the gates, break through the boundary: go out of this sphere . . .

so this is the key: We, who We are, are not birthed nor do We die. but who we experience as, are birthed and die. the body is decaying. the soul is growing. the spirit is indestructible.

this body sits here in a bed
angled strangely
cradled like a baby
forged upon my mind
is a pure ecstasy
wanting to behold this
and truly get to See
and after all this, i sit here and think
whilst angled strangely
cradled like a baby
i would yell "please, never leave me" to the God in the sky
but now as i mature, i look inward with my eyes
I am not this, I am also not that
I am This, and I am That
my mind points to detachment
in the mountains in a tent
cut off my ties, float like a balloon
would i miss you? all of you, too?
angled strangely
cradled like a baby

began to come near the surface: at such a sheer change,
within rooms, the room there, he'll be there
licking my body clean as Kali did: he'll be there kissing my *******
and kissing away each scar, each stench, each pain, each violation,
he'll rest his healing palms upon my waist turning my skin to gold,
and place his lips against mine, plump and removal of achings,
removal of suffering: all for the chance to love the girl inside of me,
all for the chance to heal himself through me, to heal me through him,
to heal together: to touch upon the soul of the other as they do
in myth, as they do in legends, as they do in heaven—
to enter heaven through the other, to enmesh, to entangle,
to be w-hole together, one hole instead of two holes

I'm still saying please, I'm still asking for my plea to be granted:
but I don't know why I-AM saying please, I don't know why I plea.
I don't know what it is I'm asking for, but please: "Please." I still ask. I still beg.

And in my throat, in the heavy way you have before,
my throat responds as you do, your word and affirmation
wrestles into my throat, and you say through my voice in my throat, all heavy and gentle as you do: "Yes."

there are frogs in my throat
bees in my hair
brine in my eyes
wherever the tide takes me
I run away into these pools
mossy returns and powerful hues
I’m no one’s daughter

i must

that just a sea away lay you
more than a sea
more like two seas
I see
you be
next to me

the girl with round locks falling downwards facade
fire strewed crooning out of silkèd sleeves
peony-void mesh robe drapes on rocks, drapes swallowed lowes
dampened, glistened books of leaves
thrice-pierced woman and woman conjurer of Serpentine;
bow-legged with knees bent and soles perched ontop a whispered gray boulder, the girl of flames rustles the air with sprightly shapes
and slurred clouds of unbeknownst manipulation of dissipated energies, under the control of her fan like fingers and toes that
curl and stretch each perceivable duress of notion,
to descend into the flesh upon this leafy island in the midst of February
is the love and acknowledgement of acknowledgment and love itself;
Thrice-Arrowed eyes duplicate with the quality of Green leaking from the origin and the excrement of yellow orbiting around the planeta-orbis, all for the very sight of the fiery girl was enough to distort her corporeality,
a magnet to pull apart her metallic components, a magnet to lean into;
so devastatingly fluid the red female was, the conjurer of Serpentine
lotioned herself with venom, to repel the strongest meaning of sooth . .
harpoonèd seas, spears and columns to hold bonds of firth and consciousness:
the shore is the enemy,
the origin of infiniteless begins in the middle of the ocean,
inside the bubbles between the pillars:
the very death the women meet on land is to be the very birth they experience in the blue /grain and glass spills out the potato-sack of skin
the air to cling to is the shortsword in your back:
sea-foam cathedrals topple over sand mixed with aquafibers,
the sand stays below the waves, the water:
complete ringing,   ah! an immaculate mountain…

the girl with round locks falling downwards facade
fire strewed crooning out of silkèd sleeves
peony-void mesh robe drapes on rocks, drapes swallowed lowes
dampened, glistened books of leaves
thrice-pierced woman and woman conjurer of Serpentine;
bow-legged with knees bent and soles perched ontop a whispered gray boulder, the girl of flames rustles the air with sprightly shapes
and slurred clouds of unbeknownst manipulation of dissipated energies, under the control of her fan like fingers and toes that
curl and stretch each perceivable duress of notion,
to descend into the flesh upon this leafy island in the midst of February
is the love and acknowledgement of acknowledgment and love itself;
Thrice-Arrowed eyes duplicate with the quality of Green leaking from the origin and the excrement of yellow orbiting around the planeta-orbis, all for the very sight of the fiery girl was enough to distort her corporeality,
a magnet to pull apart her metallic components, a magnet to lean into;
so devastatingly fluid the red female was, the conjurer of Serpentine
lotioned herself with venom, to repel the strongest meaning of sooth . .
harpoonèd seas, spears and columns to hold bonds of firth and consciousness:
the shore is the enemy,
the origin of infiniteless begins in the middle of the ocean,
inside the bubbles between the pillars:
the very death the women meet on land is to be the very birth they experience in the blue /grain and glass spills out the potato-sack of skin
the air to cling to is the shortsword in your back:
sea-foam cathedrals topple over sand mixed with aquafibers,
the sand stays below the waves, the water:
complete ringing,   ah! an immaculate mountain…

the truth i can continue to receive
will be layered through illusions, revealed in a closer to pure truth than the revelations i can have through thinking alone:
                                               but the beings are the same of energy as i, but patterned higher or tighter, or maybe patterned looser . . .
                          the perception of the revelations are relayed through illusions, the angels appear to us and speak to us through illusions, and we cognize it and re-align through illusions... we see the fire in the dark because of the same thing it gives off: we know truth itself because of itself: truth.

sweet, if you care keep us apart—
looking out the windows and blowing darts
passerby stay still as a lantern, watching over the mystic rents
bending over the whole driveway, backyard gasses fill the lane
I trusted a rat's stall, I give you my all,
I worked my way into romance
unrested and beauty, becoming moody
never the less we have our chance
taking dramatics and overreacted
over theatrics in drama class
meaning so well, the lights of the dell
between the armpits of something new
the melody fades me, life escapes me,
this song is sung under this moon  
only this moon and in this room,
these walls are who will hear me now:
the silent bombastics and medieval elastics,
all who came to feel me shout:
who came to see me out, who came by rolling clouds . . .

another love

i think the sugar only sweetened it for a little —
now i need something stronger, like molasses: something that’ll move slower, that will progress longer, something that’ll stick, that will last.
another petition, maybe, another spell — on a new moon: molasses, honey, sugar:: cinnamon, hibiscus, flaxseed, sage, dirt from a bank, *****, the memory, the love, *****. 5 day burn, carve the want into a green candle, wax spills everywhere.

sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for the world to go away
today’s a bad day

long skinny skating barefoot sunglasses beach shorts smiled at me, a second of timelessness in between us—chose the decision to walk away real quick—He: skates away, a better life I could have had, I: drives away, from a chance I just missed: hesitation took us separate ways, maybe he remembered me from the other Day, another month, another year, another life—that moment could have lasted forever.

ase' and abundance: i feel your power and i thank you: please, mote this be: grant my wish, allow me to see: please i know you see me, i know you hear me: bless this business, bless this household: my mother aches and i carry her heart and burden: so mote it be, greater lover, greater blesser, greater benefic: beauty in your name, herald the joys of doves for one to see the abundance you overflow with your *****: milk for all, sweetness cherished at last and only a drop of cheese to bring onto the world: nothing but doughness and gripes, grand cherokee drives and cold whetstone slabs: is this the price i pay? for your gold, silk, priorities.  .  .

i sleep in a bed of earthenware, moss, sprinkled with gold and lapis lazuli -- my house is ornamented with believer's sins and confessions, yet my swollen ******* and miraculous ***** and precious derriere moves and rubs against his warm ***** member, it is sewn out of his love, his eros, his psyche:

it overflows and joys onto me and my cheeks flush to know i feel your presence, Jove: we decree, I decree, i am humbly awaiting your gift:

here is my public awareness and my service to you, to make the world know of your swiftiness, your gaudiness, your lordliness, your bigness, your vastness, your richness, the chimes and dings and the orbs and the sparkles and the floaters and all the things you are that you send my way to remind me of the power you have bestowed upon me: thank you Jove: do not miss me, I will not miss you. bless my business, bless my household, my wares:

you love me, i feel this in my ******* that the lion-hearted man kiss each night, he loves to circle and twirl his tongue around my chocolate coated *******, squeezing and pawing at my *******: he yearns to ****, mote it be, Jupiter: allow milk to flow from my ******* and onto him, allow the seeds of your wealth and of his *** to flow inside of me: my ears ring for I know you hear and see my plea, the white flashes of light bring up to me that you are near: and my henads: beauty, beautiful, by Jove, don't leave:

he will never leave, for I am heaven: he lies here, ontop of me, thrusting inside of me, riches and security from his mouth and from my ******* comes forth love and creativity: he wills to desperately serving me, desperately worshipping me;

you have granted me the Gift, you have granted me as Seer, and you have granted me the form of a Goddess inside and out: an angel as they might say: inside and out, blessed be me by you, O Energies: please, do not see your way out, only see your way within me. mote it be, ase.

And I think to myself
don’t sit by the window so I don’t have to
take so many pictures of the wall
I don’t think any more
I wake up and I think to myself
look out the window so I can know where
to set up the camera with the perfect
angle; I don’t think what that could mean
I wake up and I think to myself
“Look at that star light’s view, such a beautiful scene of the city: city of nars,
complicated stars; so many complicated parts
sitting right there—take” it apart—drift them apart—so many complicated parts, always singing in the dark;
the shine howls, the screams intimidate
my eyes belong here. my Eyes belong here;
I think to myself listen to that howling dune; watch it attack with its voice, the sand flies, it flies as shrieks: paralyze, never dies, in my mind I stay.
Drinking a cup, I hope you’ve dreamt of me: sipping a bowl, I hope you visioned me: did it really happen? Was it really that way?
Boy: take it down, take into the ground, up to no where again: broil me to no where again, so grim. Reaching the other, the other here, reaching another, the mother fear, reach the cover, grasping a bear, reaching a mother: complicate the rules, break my heart in two: never feed me for the riled
up; never drowned me in the Sinned; never drowned in the Horse; never thought i’d Begin, I never listened to Dark, I never drowned again:

I died only once! I died only once! I died only once! I died only once. I died only once! And I felt that I would do it again! I would do it, I I would do it again! I would do it! I, I would do it again! You can’t stop me, no, you can’t stop me no! You can’t stop me no no no! You never needed me:
the cherries are flying down my hearts aching: you never needed me: You hold my lovers card down gone my ankles: you never needed me: I know it’s okay but I am here I am gone I’m scared: they never needed me: holding onto dark I am right here I never even cared but I’m right here: here I stand In right here: I’m just right, I just want to Right: did you need me?
Another one? Another son? Another love? Another son?
Did you see me in the dark? did you see me angry at some trees; are you a fake, boy, are you with me? Can you please give me your energy? I think I’m trusting you, Jordanian River... I think I’m needing you, Saturn’s Boy... I think I’m lusting you, Jordanian River... I think I’m in love with you, The Monad... The Monad, the Monad: all my life, all my Dad; aw, the Monad, he’s all I Have; yes, my Monad, I love you, Dad. Oh, my Monad, he’s all I Have: my lover, my holy force. Aw, my monad, he’s all I Have: He’s my lover, he’s...

whenever you hear me i know that you want me back: need someone who can handle that: pluto in my 7th house / descendant from matter : i didn’t know what to say ¿ questionable dinner entrees, just sat by myself all day \

soft humming, breathing like a whistle
sorting through sweet caves rendered with frosted crystals
auburn tundras; listen through the gales
listen to the hurried tones of their wings
the timbre in each flap, the warmth of each whip
wrestling each other with their drapes twilighting about
tumbling and plundering downwind, the stardeck

this moment as the chimneys continued to pile and smoke, plumage feathers, smoke settled as dust on the surface of bodies
arms legs stomachs sprinkled
my thoughts? closed back up, turned off in the presence of their Beauty
must be nothing more
undeserved

the light hurts
i feel tired and low energy
in a bed
conflicting ideas
light hurts
Waikiki by George Helm been in a constant loop for 12 hours
shadows are falling and trapped under blankets
feeling like a slug

his flustered face as I pranced around the forest with my bre asts out and bouncing in the dark, damp wind of the forest: dark green tranced around us and a meekish boy-like smile on his face as he'd grasp my brea sts with his hands and stare at me with his earth-brown eyes, smiles in his eyes and with his eyes, the smell of the forest as I skip and bounce him deeper into this isolated place: wind, breeze, grass rustling and howling: birds leap around us in song, and I let my breas ts dance among the mints, junipers and pines: he laughs and bashfully turns red, wandering along with me in the peace and isolation of the dim, green, and resting forest: my kind of afternoon, all I can think is what a man I prance with, I spin with — near the end of our dance among the woods, he sighs that sigh again: that sigh of satisfaction, of happiness, of love: breathing love into the air around we, the air we breathing of love life boosting: I stoop into the chapel, getting on my knees in the middle of the floor, thanking the maker of Theotokos for this wonderful life and daily mind for we get: have, him, in me, with me: inside me — a smile and a lily pad and an African nymph and a Germanic druid

your eyes shine like jewels
your skin glows like marble

I am the luckiest girl in the world, I have you, beautiful man, why do you not see how beautiful you are? I have never been with such a beautiful man, beautiful man, beautiful man,

how did we meet? why did we meet? Italy was everything, now here I am, your wife: my calls have been answered, my prayers have been answered,

you are so precious, I was afraid to love you, you are so precious, I keep you safe in my chest,

just to shed my body  / magdalene, that's when i'll think of you .. brushing againt a lip, sore thumb to be judged for that. and i lick your soul and let the cloud of necessity drape over me, feel like i can taste a bit of ocean-salt-drops, but something else i can't describe, like, dreams and ineffability, it tastes lke the word ineffable; forgiving me, for the driven waters of my condescension and precipitation breaks off at that worst times -- to read is to only make my vision blurry, and i hoped i would be able to get up today, but when i try to pull upwards, my body sinks lower, and i feel denser. ive been eating lighter and eating less but my body is denser, and i've been losing flesh and inches but my bones are sinking -- digging towards my grave, and even if i wanted to turn back, i can't face the sun. i look towards the bottom of the ever-digging hole, i keep track of how much the darkness grows, of how closer the darkness comes. i keep track of how much cold envelopes me and how the heat is no longer from the Sun, from the Godhead, but from the incinerating fumes and gasses from this declension-sphere, from the hell under here and i see and feel the archons and demons licking my shoulderblades with their tongues and claw at my body, talons tickle my neck, and it is all i can do, feel and see and hear and smell. i can't hide it, for the long way, they clip off my wings, and i've left everyone so i can allow them to fly for hours and towards the sun, and none of them will be Icarus -- but i will pretend that they cared, but knew to go into this hell would be the best for them and i, and i only want them to continue to fly. i will always love you for this, dreary singing sounds, i  need a sonic image of this yogurt-faced boy

beauty truly is never given in a hurry, for this I hurry to die by my own way / still my mind wanders towards the stench that resides by my bedside ; when Venus isn't near my sights or the sights of others : when I know the reaches of your eyes, as the triangle expands into the square / out of sight, out of mind / Venus resides in her own 12th, as she still is unseen and unremained, maybe for the better, as a mystery : death awaits the inner corners of my heart and my outer extension ; and I realize the best for the world and for thou who has dranken my nectar, for truly my beams to warm the world, is for the absence of this outer extension of my Spirit. this outer denser extension returns to dirt, and I give back to the World this way. \ the thought is easier to coddle, I can care for it and I can hug it, and yet I still wonder what is the point / why does my jaw twitch every time it creeps in my mind / nothing else can remedy this hurt, this Chironic pain \ Plutonian hits like its came to **** thyself each night for this / talk through pain and then sleep through pain and it drains me every day but I still fall for this \ will my body ever pay for This? is this how I repay my sins? \ an ugliness that perverts my spirits, hurts the outside of my core \ still I try to smile and to manifest what I truly want despite I lack this all / and for that lack I desire it, desire this, I manifest and try to test \ reality. / is there something I can give for This? what must I sacrifice for This? how much longer to pray for This? \


the visual of taking the privilege of Me away, comes during times like this: for some reason I cannot sleep and I am hesitant to do things, and I am speaking to the Spirits, and I am walking forwards to a new chapter, but still somehow despite all of the confidence and the happiness quickly my mind turns into a drought despite feeling quakiness because of all of this excitement and still I pile on more and more days without facing the times I must do things and I walk from it : throughout this haze, I'm not sure what to call this haze, an in-between of being manic and normal, hypomania : I think now. I think I can describe what my mood has been: though still a fumbling state, full of fillers that most can't relate, but can relate in their dreams, but not reality: I am out of touch, and I still touch the sky a hundred times

been a filter around my head, my eyes are glazed over, things feel like a blur and soon I stop whirring after purring for hours on end, like a machine I get overheated and angry I steam and puff, like a machine I extort all this data : but still my mind is awake and I still can't fall into the loop and I try to recognize mistakes before they are accidents, after they are on the list recognized as occident, this gives it five points dignity, I wish Venus exalted me, but I think she's faltered me: but how? she is my chart ruler, she wouldn't do that to me, I don't think she'd choose to hurt me, I still cry in this room / bubbled in this room / can I be **** too? can I be this lustful Goddess too? will I be able to bring my whole Self up -- I cannot bring this extension up, up, up, only my interior can carry on, on, on / this body must stay in this world , again a mysterious Venus she is in her own 12th, she belongs to the Spirit world, Astral Travel she does, Pleromatic she is. / that is nothing I would trade for this devilish body it stinks and yells and it traps us in this li / mited perception / wicked perversions

Beauty intrinsic and imitated by this material world / the material world's beauty is mirrored and flawed, impure as it is filtered from above, from the 12th: Dodekomoria and for this I will praise, I rush to consecrate the body and space with all of my time and resource / Beauty is given to those who are Unified, who Remember, who Gno ; Beauty is the Gift, and I received , thankfully for this death by my own hands makes no entry-scene

air swallows me
hair of leaves
i fall asleep
weakling
strong dormant
wave, please
air swallows me