I pretend that I don't care
When really I am screaming
From the frustration of failure
And the disappointment of
Letting you down
I brush off the hurt
With a flick of my wrist
Pretending it's not a big deal
When on the inside I am crying

Fake it till you make it
Has become my new motto
Except I am excellent at the fake it part
But have yet to make it anywhere
All I am good at
Is building up my walls
And constructing masks
To hide what I really feel
So I don't seem like I care
But I assure you
I most definitely do

Maybe it's because I feel as though today's work hasn't been completed.
Or possibly because today has ****** and surely should have been better.
Depending on the day, sometimes I don't want 11:59 to sneak up on me because my bad days seem to out number the good and I want the good days to last much longer than one more lousy minute.
I can't quite put my finger on what it is I hate the most about watching the time change from 11:59 to midnight.
Perhaps what I hate the most is, like it or not, I  will never have a chance to live this exact day again.  
Whenever 12 am rolls around, I can't help but cringe.

Gosh, this silence kills me.
Call me crazy but I can perfectly hear faint whispers of all my past mistakes.
****--I keep reminding myself that my past doesn't define me.
Surely, the past that I am not fond of was a consequence of a ghost.
That ghost was and is me but not the better version of me that is attempting desperately to stop ******* up.
I am forced to live with all ghosts of myself whether I fess up to them or not.
Somebody please save me from what I am becoming, I'm so scared.
I don't know what happened-- I swear not too long ago I was a not well understood, ***** 17 year old.
Then, ugh. Man, life suddenly hits hard and it *****.
I want to go back in time- before I knew you existed, before my heart felt so heavy, before I was so bored that I would run back to anyone not to be lonely.
Speaking of loneliness: This cold, sickening late May Chicago weather makes me wish I wasn't so alone.
Seems impossible that my life is going to fall into place at this point.
Not trying to be dramatic- just don't know how to not let the people haunting me in my past affect my relationships with others I have yet to encounter.
I wish I could go back in time to my old self and hold my hand.
My last wish is impossible of course, yet I can pretend.
So here I go pretending I know everything and I'm just going to say this once and for all..............ITS OK.


I think.

and the things I've forgotten
will line the seams of my mind,
and every last nail driven
into the coffin of my memory
will echo in my ears
just like they always have

so I'll quietly stare at these
photographs of tomorrow night,
when everything is alright,
and I'll just keep trying
to remember that they are
underdeveloped and overexposed