to want someone
and then decide not to want them anymore is truly a crime

I thought that I was heartbroken,
you thought it was a clean break.

I knew this to be untrue, it is my heart isn’t it?

I went through the days feeling the same,
you thought I would get better.

But again, this is my heart it is not yours.

A stranger came upon this heartbreak of mine
I realized that my heart did not break.
You just left a gaping hole in my heart.

You drained my heart for a period of time
Sending the pretty swirling bubbles down the drain
And left me empty and cold


This is my heart and I am determined to fill it.

I’ve been telling everyone

I’ve been trying to understand

I cannot even begin to comprehend all of the thoughts that run rampant until 2 am:

I love you.
Or the idea of you, I am unsure.

I hate you.
For what you have done,
I am sure.

I love you.
I would go back to you,
if only you asked.

I hate you.
For who you have become,
I am the only one who asked if
only I could come back.

I love you.
You do not love me.
You will not say it back.

I hate you.
You are the one
You are the one who said
“I love you” first.

I love you.
I am the one to say
“I love you” last.

It was just a dress
But in the moment I knew that it was everything.

A mustard yellow velvet dress
graced my body as I stepped out
with a smile on my face.

My sisters looked at me with excitement

But I turned to you and you did not even look.

My sister called out your name, you said “what?”

It wasn’t just a dress that you didn’t care to see,

it was me.

Mental illness is not a joke.

I know that to be 100%
You know that I have anxiety.

I know that you hid things from me.
You know that you most certainly had.

Depression is a chokehold.

I know that to be 100%
You know that too late.

I know that I love you.
You know that you do not.

You always said:

I want you
to live your dreams.

Never in a billion years
did you ever believe:

You would be the one
who destroyed them.

I always thought it would be me
That I would get fed up
I would leave.

I never thought that you would be the one to do it,
to make me hurt
I didn't think you would do it.

You said you would always love me
Now it's "I love you but..."
You say "I still love you though."

You wonder if we're just friends
Even though we are so much more
You tell me you don't know if you want to be in a relationship anymore.

I'm trying so hard to save this,
this investment of us is so much
I'm scared and confused.

I don't know how many ways I can tell you, I just want us to stay.