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 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
seeing
my father waste away
is painful

not so much
because I may look through a window
into my own future

rather because
his dignity has become
so frail
dependent on body functions
he has trouble controlling

it was difficult enough
to live with aching joints & back
and only one third of heart power

after the stroke
breath is even shorter
eating has become a challenge
walking is impossible

no go at all
without the little pipe
that blows oxygen into your nose

he tells me
he appreciates my daily visits
I am glad

trying to cope with the pain I feel
watching his deconstruction
smiling through unshed tears
trying to encourage him

to get up to eat
and grip his spoon
firmly

        * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
mom
she takes care of you
and you are embarrassed
   because you want to be free

she pays for your studies
and you resent it
   because you want to be independent

when you are flat on your back
she flies in for the rescue
brings you home and nurses you
   back to life
and you hate her for it

because you know
you can make it on your own
   but will not do it
until
she sets you free

            * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
you sailed the seas
learned to survive
on water and on land

and when you met your Mary
you gladly put an end
to roving all the globe

and settled down
to toil the land
of ancient heritage

you always knew a story
you always had a smile

you also knew that life was hard
and never fair

you loved it anyway
and lived it fully
until the very last

Bon Voyage!

I think that we will meet again
at that Bass Corner of Eternity
   and have a blast!

               * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
you have done wrong
you know it
you hate it
you cannot undo it

how do you cope with it
how can you
look at your face in the mirror
and live with it
  
how can you heal
the pain and hurt you caused
the wrongs you did

guilt is a dangerous friend
strong for some time
full with repetant deeds
   you go widely out of your ways
   to make up for past mistakes

yet over time
this may become a habit insincere
  you do the proper things
  but in your heart
  the hope diminishes
that they will show
   eventually
an exit from the past
   into a brighter future

leaving you
   stranded
in a world threatened by fake remorse
   where penitence becomes routine
   the rituals of asccusation and defense
play themselves out like in a loop
   in endless repetition
    without relief

the pain you caused
the wrongs you did
are thrown up in your face
with unrelenting fury
each time a knife
   twisting in slow motion
   right in your heart

each twist draws blood
and gradually you feel
   your lifeblood flow away
with each renewed attack
   determined will
   suffers another blow

temptation to give up
grows stronger and
   at times
seems like the way
   to ease
   tormented souls
   to break
   the self-destructive circle

if you fight on
   a battered knight
   in shredded armor
it is not out of guilt
but out of love
   that wants to heal the wounds
   you cut in selfish moments
out of responsibility
   for what you did
of which you are ashamed
and cannot love yourself
until she loves you back

   again

          * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
we have found each other
   across thousands of miles
   across different cultures and traditions
    
we have found each other
   among seven billion plus people
   on this globe

   finding each other
   was the easiest part

   strangers in the night

   staying together
   has been truly challenging
   at times

idiosyncracies
failures deficiencies fears
hopes wishes dreams
illusions and taboos
pieces of history from previous lives
   keep popping up at crucial moments
   in often Freudian transfigurations

   innocuous words
   may trigger convoluted memories
   freighten new contexts
      with old pain and sorrow

   a gesture
   a tone of speech
   a situation
   suddenly turn into déjà vu
   twisting their present freshness
      beyond belief
   into habitual frames of order

   the prisons of our pasts
   do not offer easy escapes

yet we have found each other
   among the billions on this globe

there is no other but the each
   to build a life together
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
a grandchild
   for her 9th birthday
very happy
    to be away from her older
   as well as her younger sister
  for a while
spent a  long weekend
with her grands

   they picked her up
   schoolbag and bathing suit
   and guitar & everything else

she had already mentioned
   that French Toast for breakfast
would be REALLY nice
and that’s what she got
together with chocolate milk
   1 minute in the microwave,
   according to her wish
patiently reading her book
while the oldies got their act together
   in their slow morning routine

they all went birthday shopping
   & out for lunch
she read her book again while the oldies
    were snoring their nap
& then they all had great fun
    swimming and horsing around in the public pool

watching some TV  
   & improving her ping-pong game
happy & tired
after dinner some goodnight reading
doughnuts and hot chocolate for breakfast
next morning
   and then
    with grandma’s help
printing out a card for Mom on Mother’s day
AND baking real  brownies as a gift….

a happy & proud 9-year old
   was delivered to her parents
& presented her mother with the card
   & the brownies & the new dress
   & the homework all done

somehow
the guitar practice had gotten lost

yet she was the envy of her siblings
for the day

           * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
waking slowly to the singing of birds
after a hard day
      and a late night
finally granted deep sleep
     dreamless in memory
my lazy soul is quite happy
with being
   nowhere in particular
for a while

white walls enhance
   bright spots of sunlight
finding their way
   through time-worn blinds
from the radio alarm
   human voices send sounds
   as comforting and meaningless
   as the song of birds

it takes some time to re-establish
   a basic sense of time and place
moving through by now familiar spaces
my eyes record the necessary data
my hands prepare breakfast
my feet take me to the table
my senses register the sight and taste
   of coffee and ham and bread
and the luscious
   deep red
   strawberries I bought yesterday

when I kiss you good morning
   on the telephone
hear your voice
and wish you all the best for a day
   of enervating committee meetings
I cannot tell you of my joy
of waking to our world
that holds
    the sun    
    the birdsong
    the luscious ripe fruit

    us

            * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
out of a dreamless sleep
my wristwatch's chirping electronic beep
   brings me back slowly to the world

not without doubts of some primeval kind

I try to cautiously adjust my mind
and turn
   with sudden fear and apprehension
and find
   the world is still alright
and you are here

         * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
how hard
   under earphones
   oozing Viennese waltzes
to accept
   your absence

suspended
   in blinding sunlight
some 37,000 feet
above the Atlantic

          * *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
treading carefully
uncertain of whether
   the unfamiliar ground would bear
   its new burden
the first steps
soon turned
into a dance & tumble
   of happiness & love
   & letting go
celebrating the wonder
   of a newfound world

further explorations
brought some tough encounters
   with the Other
after a while     though
it could not be denied
that this was more
than just a fantasy
   or momentary wish fulfilment

it was real

ever since
the joy of coming home
has mingled with
   the awe of new discoveries
and the pure happiness
of feeling
this new world
expand into the future
of our lives

* *
 Sep 2016
Walter W Hoelbling
you, father,
after your escape
   from Lemberg's deadly POW camps
on your long march through Poland
braved the terror of secretive days
and endless nights
and did not simply stop

you, mother,
were holding your own
   against death from above
alone with your mother

I thank you
for finding each other
   in a world half-dead from war
for following your youth
and not those old in mind
   of whom were many
who then could only see
   the end of crazy dreams

that you brought me to life
   without my will -
this willful act
   I gladly do forgive
as you have bravely shared
   in bearing the results

for, what I have become
    throughout the years
your love, your care,
   your wisdom,
   anger, disappointment,
   patience, and your grief
have shaped me as I am today,
   even though
   I did not always understand

from all of this have grown
   for me
      perhaps for you
belief in self
and trust in life

I thank you

         * *
• My parents were born in Austria, in a little industrial district town 100 km southeast of Vienna, steel mills and skiing area. Father, born in 1925, was 17 when ******’s army drafted him & sent him to fight the Soviets on the Eastern Front. He became a POW of the Soviets in 1944 and made it home in December 1946. Mother, born 1926, completed her education as a grade school teacher under the threat of assorted air raids. -  I gave them the German version of this poem at Christmas 1992, when both were stiil alive.
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