There you are ......
A lump
A lump of the kind that strikes fear in the breast of every woman
Hiding
Growing inside me
Like an embryonic cancer
Or a cyst
Or a symptom of age
Whatever you are
You're here .....
And I wish you weren't
I go about my mindless life
Left waiting to discover if I'm just
Old
Infected
or
Dying .....

(C) Pixievic

The last time I saw you
was in 2011

You tousled my son's hair
cupped my daughter's chin
in front of the museum
You met me
in your black business suit
as the thick heat
of New York City
coated us

Your grandchildren stared at you,
smiled in shy half-moons
before my mom
took them home.
Then,
just you and I.

We sat for a cold moment
in the restaurant.
I longed for
something more personal
than a swank Upper West Side
joint, and ate nothing
Only water could
slide down
my throat,
and words stuck there

I was thirsty
for the you I had known
A big bear hug
dancing in the living room
to Olivia Newton-John
How you swung me around
and we laughed, my hair flying

I was thirsty
for our secret language
created one summer
for our silly jokes
in restaurants,
people-watching
on Second Avenue
the 80s punks in
East European diners
eating potato perogin
after their long night out

You disappeared on me
             and then
after she, my sweetest star,
got sick
you reappeared
calling me every day
to check up on the flowers
in your garden
How you came back
to water it
in your own way

and now
I am only waiting to
cross the oceans,
fly straight into
your arms,
enfold your once-infinite
bear hug invincibility
into my fragile
heart

Knowledge is butterflies in flight.
A doubting caterpillar needs
Faith in metamorphosis—
Without it, his future: horror.

Mother’s gone this way before.
Father left before his time.
The only hope: whispered instinct,
A still sound in the face of fear.

"Those who’ve gone before me," says he,
"Loved me and wanted good for me.
They willed me to believe in life
Beyond the metamorphosis."

The Path

Every day, eat of leaf. Chew. Rest.
Do not wander far from safety.
Heed these rules, follow the way,
Know that they were made from love.

Brother speaks of tall adventures,
Wonders waiting, joys untold.
"Why wait? Why fear? Why hope at all?
Come—enjoy the world right now!"

The Temptation

"Metamorphosis is a lie,"
He says. "A tale they tell to keep
Us from pleasure, from delight,
From tasting all the world can give."

"The dark cocoon is but a grave—
A trap, a tomb, an ending final.
Now is time to discover!
What tastes good is the true good."

Brother leaves the path behind,
Feasts on leaves forbidden, rich.
"Come!" he calls, "the map is false!
The world is wider than they claim."

Sister listens, follows after,
Seeking flavors never known.
She is gone—he hopes she thrives.
But she has not returned.

The Choice

Yet here, our friend, the doubting one,
Has chosen dreams and chosen hope.
He eats the leaves of toil and faith,
Nourishing body, heart, and soul.

He trusts the wisdom passed through time,
Holds firm to instinct’s ancient pull.
A gentle voice inside still whispers:
"This road leads to something more."

The Chrysalis

Doubt still lingers, fear still fights.
The chrysalis looms, dark and tight.
No control—nature compels.
He spins his silk in trembling trust.

Unfair, afraid, the world grows still.
The walls press close—no breath, no light.
He faces his end. He must choose:
To listen to the still, small voice.

"I am not mad. I am not lost.
There is more beyond this dark."

Silence. Darkness. Stillness.

The Fulfillment

And then—wings.

Butterflies are knowledge in flight.
At their end, faith is fulfilled.
They rise, they soar, they drink the nectar
Promised beyond the cocoon.

the invisible weight
of blind transition
climbs my back
sits upon my shoulders
laughter goes silent
colors once vibrant
turn black and grey
I move in slow motion
every thought enslaved
every dream a nightmare
my monster has returned

Two broken souls
Trying to make each other whole
They were quite a mess when they found each other
Each had lived through torment, one after another

Her body was full of scars, just trying to maintain
His heart had been trampled and drained
They gave each other their own heart
They found it filled in all the parts

And together they where whole
They where connected, soul to soul

Her with all her worries of the future
He always tried to hush and nurture
He would slay all her demons and doubt
She showed him what true love was all about

They loved each other so
Like they had known each other long ago
They lived joyfully for many many years
There was only ever joyful tears
Until that one horribly sad day
The Lord took her away

On that day his true love died
He just wanted to be by her side
He just seemed to wither away
Without her by his side he didn't want to stay

Soon after he passed too
Even in death his true love he would pursue
They say he died of a broken heart
But I know it was because she had his missing parts

Your eyes are the most beautiful thing of my day.
That light brown eyes that lit whenever you see me,
I don't mind gazing through your shining stares the whole day.

Your skin looks so pale.
It looks very cold.
As cold as January,
I would love to warm you up as if I'm a Christmas sweater.

Your lips looks so delicious.
God, your lips looks so delicious,
I really want to have it for my dessert.

Your hair is as crazy as what I feel about you.
That dark brown hair, highlighted with tinted sunlight,
I want to stroke your hair every single of your sleepless nights until you fall asleep.

Baby, too bad. You live in my computer screen.

And I only exist in yours.