maybe only now I'm getting this realization
This realization that being treated wrong is not something to oversee
Maybe these piles of books are my only friends in this lonely world

But there she is
A candle in the darkness
A butterfly that flew into the endless abyss of the world
A savior, even though she might not know it.

Deep down
I know that she is the answer
The replacement for the piles of books

After being treated wrong
For all these years
Her presence felt strange, but in a way, right.
She is always there.
Especially when you need her.

And now I know
She is my best friend
And she will always be there
Because I love her
And she loves me
Platonically, of course.

She's tired of a man saying her idea and getting praise when she got ignored
She's tired of being underestimated
She's tired of toxic masculinity from the people she used to trust
She's tired of loving and getting nothing back
She's tired of people using her
She's tired of giving thousands of second chances, without getting any change
She's tired of being mistreated
She's tired of being tired
She's tired
She's tired
She's tired
But she doesnt deserve to be

Sometimes I wish I could have chosen to be someone else
To be someone that people understand
To be someone that people like

But I now know that The people who don't understand me
The people that don't like me
Don't deserve my love.
They don't deserve my attention.

By the time I acknowledge this and leave, they come crawling back.
Funny that they didn't need me before.

People who take your love and don't give any back, they simply don't deserve it.
They are not worth your time.
They don't deserve you.
Remember that.

Writing this because I feel like there is so much more to be said

A for anagram
Because you rearranged my brain like a nonsense sentence
B for below
Because that's what my social status is compared to yours
C for complain
Because that's all you ever did
D for dread
Because that's all you made me feel
E for even
Because even now, you mess up my brain
F for freak show
Because that's where you thought I belonged
G for girl
Because even though I was out to you, you still called me one
H for help
Because I think you need some…
I for idk
Because whenever I asked you a question, that's how you responded
J for joker
Because that's what you are, like the card in a deck. Useless
K for kid
Because you act like a toddler
L for lies
Because those are all you told me
M for me
Because that's who you never cared about
N for never
Because that's when you will realize what you threw away
O for okay
Because you know that I'm not
P for power
Because i never realized, but you had it all
Q for quick
Because that's how our friendship ended
R for revenge
Because I know it won't help
S for sap
Because just like sap, you are sticky and annoying
T for thumb
Because I always had to be the one to give you a thumbs up
U for umbrella
Because I was always the one to protect you from the rain, getting nothing in return
V for vacation
Because I sure as hell need one from you
W for whatever
Because you keep saying that, thinking it makes you sound cool
X for xenophobia
Because I think you have that
Y for YOLO
Because I really hope that you do
Z for zzz
Because that's the noise you made when I needed you the most

I think we might need another alphabet…
I know this one is worse, but it still says a lot and was hard to write sooo…

Today
I was sitting at the dinner table
Behind a baked potato
Scared
Uncomfortable
Anxious
While my parents kept watching me
I sat there
While my brother
And my sister
Ate with no problem
No second thought
**** i wish i could be like that.
When everyone else got up
My mom looked at me
And said out loud
"can you just eat it? Its not that hard."
The dumb thing is
She thinks shes my savior
But she makes me feel like I belong in an asylum
Everyone was looking at me
Judging
While tears slowly fall
From my blurry eyes
The thing is
She doesnt even understand
She thinks i dont want to eat
But I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
"I cant."
I mouthed
Silently
And she said
"Yes you can! Youre just being dramatic."
No, not said.
Exclaimed
She told me to take a few bites
I did
And I got up and walked away
And set my 1/10 empty plate
Next to the sink.
I went downstairs.
She yelled down the stairs
"deadname, get up here. You need to eat more food."
I ate some more.
And then I went back down
To sit with the guilt
I know shes trying to help
But please dont tell me to try to be grateful
Because she is just making things worse
My therapist agreed
The hospital agreed
So now
I will sit
And cry
I'm my room
Try to avoid getting blood stains on my sheets
Try to hide my tool
Try to get better
Because I do want to
But these people dont ******* understand.
And they need to stop pretending that they do.

Folding paper cranes for you
Because I heard
That whoever folds the 1000th
Gets a wish
And I want you
To get whatever you need
Because you deserve it

Folding paper cranes
Because I need something to do with my hands
While my head runs away
Thinking thoughts that i'll never understand

Think about it
You could easily ****** someone and get away with it
Think about it
You could watch every movie there is
Think about it
You could marry your one and only love
Think about it
You could learn ever gen alpha term, including skibidi ohio rizz

Think about it
You could slash your exes tires
Think about it
You could spend all your life on a couch
Think about it
You could break every law
Think about it
You could walk never in a slouch

Think about it
You could fall in love
Think about it
You could run away
Think about it
You could fight off a bear
Think about it
You could only do these things if you keep living.
Every day.
Please dont **** yourself.

anxiety affects
my fragile heart
you can't make it stop
when someone already made it start

anxiety affects
my useless head
asking me "what's going on?"
and "why am i not dead?"

anxiety affects
my confused soul
makes it ask more questions
makes me want to hode in a hole

10 years of drawing
9 years of being friends
8 years of being bullied
7 years of being bullied by you
6 years of guilt
5 years of trying to fit in
4 years of writing poetry
3 years of letting you manipulate me
2 years of knowing something was wrong with our friendship
1 year of trying to tell you
0 years of freedom

it's just a bitter pill to swallow
one that should fix my mind
one that should make me happy
one that should make me kind

it's just 150 MLs of drugs
to put you to sleep
we've prescribed these pills
so that none of your problems leak

it's just a pill case that's bursting at the seams
no problem, no sweat
these pills are supposed to make me see nothing but smiley faces
but i still feel nothing but dread

if the prescription doesn't work
should we up the dose
or should we stop
because my mental health is a budding rose
making me want to drop

the pills have stopped working
well, i guess they never did
but i don't want to concern the doctors
so it's always something i've hid

pretend i'm doing okay
say that i feel fine
they write it down in their little note pad
i hope they don't know that i'm lying
i hope they don't know that i'm crying
i hope they don't know that i'm dying
every second i'm alive

if they could read my thoughts
would they send me to the hospital for the second time?
because if they do
i'll stay silent...
like a mime

no words
just like last time
running out of rhymes
so i guess i won't speak
poetry is how i talk