A for ***
because that's what you were to me
B for *****
because that's what you are
C for crap
because that's your opinions
D for ****
because that's what you act like
E for eternity
because that's how long your words will repeat in my head
F for *******
because those are the words i held back for so long
G for game
because that's all i was to you
H for hell
because that's what you put me through
I for incinerate
because that's what you did to my self-worth
J for joke
because that's all our friendship ever was
K for ****
because that's what you made me want to do to myself
L for loser
because that's how you always saw me
M for mortician
because that's what you'll need by the time I'm done with you
N for no
because that's what i said but you kept insisting we should be friends
O for onion
because you act like one, always making me cry
P for promises
because you never really could keep them, could you?
Q for question
because i have a ****-load of those for you
R for real
because i wonder if you even know that i am
S for sacrifices
because i made so many for you
T for torch
because i was in the dark but you hid yours
U for ugly
because that's what you kept on calling me
V for vaccine
because you make me sick
W for war
because that's what's going on in my brain thanks to you
X for x-ray
because i want to dig deep into your mind to find out why you did this to me
Y for you
because that's what i blame everything for
Z for zip
because zip your mouth, you cannot be talking about pain

a whole alphabet about you. i feel like we need more letters
because there definitely is more to be said

I never think of life
As a wet on dry watercolor painting
Because its more similar
To wet on wet
You put a dash of color
Joy
Emotion
And it spreads
Like a virus
But a good one
Life isnt realism.
Life is abstract.
So treat it like that.
Imperfect
But in the end?
Beautiful.

Happy pills
Leave me feeling empty
Numb
And to be honest
Ive stopped taking my meds
Because id rather feel ******
Than feel like styrofoam

Happy pills
Leave me feeling nothing
Like plain yogurt
But ive stopped taking my meds
Because id rather feel like a plant without
W a t e r
Than an unsalted pretzel

Are the pills helping?
Because they are supposed to make me happy
But they somehow make me feel worse...

dance to the song,
you beautiful ballerina
we are all watching
don't mess up

move your feet,
you beautiful ballerina
or we will attach the strings
to your useless little limbs... again

paint a smile on your face,
you ugly ballerina
if you smiled more
more people will like you

why did you eat that,
you fat ballerina?
you'll just gain more weight
you wont fit into your size -5 dress

you made a mistake,
you useless ballerina
maybe you should just go
nobody even wants to see your show.

Quit hoping for freedom,
You disaster of a ballerina
You are our marionette
We have full control

Stop lying,
You rat of a ballerina
We have never hurt you
We just discipline

Stop being dramatic,
You drama queen of a ballerina
You dance
You don't act

Stop moping,
You hideous ballerina
Just because he doesnt like you anymore
Doesnt mean you have a right to frown

Start smiling,
You sad ballerina
Nobody will like you
If you frown...

you deserve better,
you precious, imperfect, kind, sweet, beautiful, nice, wonderful, friendly, injured, hopeful ballerina.
leave this awful place.
you deserve so much better...

Turns out
Crystal clear
Might not be as clear as we think

I look through glass
And I see a warped version of you
A twisted version of the person I once loved

I look through quartz
And I see a kind person
Someone who cares
Someone who loves.
That's not who you are.

I can see for myself.
I don't need any crystals that manipulate me into thinking you are good.
You're not.
Leave me alone.

I barely recognize my reflection
Who am I?
Who is the person in the mirror?
I don't look like myself. This isn't my body.

I'm not a girl
I'm not a girl
I'm. Not. A. Girl.

The mirror says the opposite of my heart.
A stranger looks back.
We argue.
My eyes verus my mind.
My body versus my soul.
My heart.
Glass shatters and breaks it.
I feel it fall to the floor.
Blood dries on the ceramic bathroom tiles.
So do tears.

I refuse to be a girl.
I won't be a girl.
I never have been.

I'm. Not. A. Girl.

The blade on my desk sings an alluring melody
Tempting me to cut
Telling me that I deserve it
I'm happy… anything but.

I try to ignore
Against the wall i lean
I try to hope
I try to dream

But the song draws me closer
Telling me to cut deep
Telling me that if I do
It'll help me sleep

The avoidance fails.
Blood falls to the floor
Staining the carpet
I close the door.

Silent tears
Hopeless dreams
A ruined life
ripped at the seams

Tears fall to the cuts
It stings.
Is it weird that I like it?
Is it weird the happiness it brings?

When I finish
I cover it with a sleeve.
A future Scar
That I know will never leave.

I didn't Want to.
It was an accident.
A beautiful accident.
A painful accident.
Not an accident.

Help me.