Yesterday I noticed a few blonde hairs mixed in my chestnut brown hair

They blend in until I looked closer
Little strands barely there

They reminded me of when when I was a child

Sunny hair and a freckled face
Bright blue eyes and an always smile
Big front teeth and rosy pink lips

I forget what it felt like to have blonde hair
I forgot what it was to feel free

I know my childhood was not all smiles
Mostly rainy days and hiding away

But I cherish the moments when the sun came out
And I laid in the dewy grass talking to the trees

I remember now how I loved my blonde hair
That glowed under the shining stars

I remember now how I smiled when I looked in the mirror
Loving my reflection, my whole self

Now as I stare at those few blonde hairs
I remember how beautiful I can be
I remember the child that still lives within me

I hope she never leaves

Every time I lose my footing
I fall down and cry
Just like a little girl, tripping over her own feet.

I am older now but my tears never waver.
They well up in my eyes, I can not hold them back.
My anxieties overwhelm my thoughts
My eyes only see my failures

I am thankful that you watch me
even when I hide my face
You ask me what is wrong
even when I cannot speak

As tears run down my face you hold me close
You tell me you won’t ever let me go

You withstand my storms
and wake me from my nightmares
You listen to me, my fears and all
and calm my frenzied mind

My emotions are unstable.
Although I try so hard to function
I can not always

You told me you love me just how I am
and appreciate every flaw
You tell me I am more than I see
and that you’ll never leave me behind.

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?

I am a book
worn out and torn
read so many times the pages are creased
many have heard my story
few have read it all
but each word is meant for me
to speak before I fall

Dear Lady Moon,

I can feel your pearly white gaze,
It fills me with inner warmth

Your imperfections; your craters
They make you unlike any other

I find myself looking up at you quite often these days
I think she’s been watching over me with her midnight rays

She comes to visit me at night
With her moonbeams bright

Her light of comfort puts me in a starlight daze

I see her and she sees me
Her light shines gleefully

My protector; the watcher
I’m thankful for
my night time stalker

Piece by piece you took me apart

Beginning with my sanity,

then my loved ones

I watched as you took them away

Next my thoughts, no longer my own

Piece by piece you robbed me of myself

I looked in the mirror but saw someone else

Who had I become?

What have you done?

I began to collect each piece you stole

I gathered them up and arranged them like so

First my lungs so I could breathe

Next, my eyes to see, more clearly

Then my hands to hold on to theirs,
I couldn’t do it alone.

I may have put myself back together

But I am not who I was.

I waved goodbye to the self that I once knew,

To welcome the one that knows my weaknesses

Broken to the point of no return

Built back up to be who I am.

I wanted to die for a long time

To give in to eternal sleep
To end the constant anxiety
No more responsibilities
Only rest.

I even tried once.

Now I find myself wanting to live

For so long I lived for others
So they wouldn’t have to lose me

Now I want to live for myself

I know I won’t always have good days
And I will still struggle with anxiety

But if I can live for myself
Than it’s worth it
If I can stop fading
And start shining like I used to
I just might be okay.

Wandering in and out of what could be

I used to fear a missed opportunity

Now I’m thankful for what I lost
Despite the pain,
I grew into who I am.

My mirror looks back at me.

Sometimes I ignore it
Other times I stare

Green eyes are all I see.

I tap the glass
Only to fall in
For eternity

Slipping through

R

         e
  
              A
                  
                   L
                      
                      i

                      T

                    y

I tap the glass again
There’s someone else
Not me?

‘To be or not to be’

The question unanswered

Eventually my stare falters
Thrown off by fears

My face remains a mystery

My body warping as
A light flickers
—————————-
I tap once more
The glass
shatters.

A million knives in skin that doesn’t feel like mine

Smiling through the pain
It’s a flaw in my design

For when I’m bleeding
I forget the warped image in the mirror

Instead I feel free
I disappear
So happily.

The naked trees surround
A dark winding concrete road

They’ve lost their decor
Once bearing leaves with color
Now absent

Knotted branches resemble the *** holes
A few ghost towns

Abandoned souls.

Spirits sweep the path in a dust

Snowflakes appearing alongside
Intertwined with the freezing air

Falling slowly
Softly
Slowly

Just as
Snow
Found its home on the ground

So may I

Lost but not searching

Monsters lurking.