Can I get a love so pure it synthesizes my whole being.
Untouched, unacquainted, real, syncopated.
Loneliness quivers, shaking with a merciless misery.
Alone in my secrecy.
Dare not come near me.
Love, seems anguished by my own monumental desires.
To feel something so pure….
It is rare.
I want it with him.
To whom I want to spend my whole life with.
Deep rooted passions imploding in tears.
Ridding myself, hiding in my fears.
My insides are painfully restricted, my eyes are tired.
My heart has melted.
I am broken.

Who am I to become?
What am I to be?
Where do I go now?
What is left for me?

Who do I have besides myself.
A washed away face of waste and misery.
Alone on a path, I feel defeated, left to rot, thrown out.
Evil monsters lurking everywhere I go, every corner I turn, faces that haunt me, taunt me, hurt me, forbid me, tell me what I am not.
HUMANS.
Cold and remorseless, petty mindless beings with no sense of realism, depth, purity.
Nothing, all reflecting of dark shadows that they themselves cannot even face.

Labeled, by superficial beings who think they have the right to know me and get into the secrecies of my life.
You know nothing of me, how would you?
I don’t want you to.
Stay away…
Let me lurk, an unknown shadow cursing your name.
Fear me because you fear why you cannot see, the unknown, the inner dimensions of life and death itself…
I see it all.
I’ve felt it all.
Dreaded myself for pain, only to be reborn, over and over and over.
An endless cycle that I am forced to go through, like a 90 year only waiting on the hospital bed for death to take her away.
I’m tired, I’m done.
Every inch of my soul, my mind, my being…
Has become nothing.
I have nothing left.
Left nothing to become.
Dead everyday,
Waiting for the grim to let me sleep eternally.
However, karma is my own debt, and for eternity, I have to suffer.
I am defeated
**** me/…
I’m already dead

If I were to try again-
I would change a few things.
The first being my silence as a child-
when He molested and ***** me.
The second being my maturing-
I was forced to grow up too quick.
The last being my habits-
If I had never self harmed,
I never would have become addicted to it.
That’s it. That’s all.

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?

my dreams
they are rekindled nightmares
of my most negative bits of life
they move like thick syrup along a cold plate
drawn out slowly with no resolution in sight
bringing me to the edge of madness
and then
I am awakened with a thud
as if I have fallen from the sky

perhaps a mechanism
or some caring soul slapping me into consciousness
to save me from the real dark stuff

I've experienced the other side in many ways
I've been touched
attacked
threatened
I have also heard the gentle voices of distant souls
allowing me a moment of connection  
I am not quite sure how dreams are intertwined
but I am quite sure that they are