What is it for?
All this turmoil, the inner battles
I have with myself each day to try to keep floating

What is it for?
And what is the point of floating anyway
If it causes these controls?

What is it for?
Do I even have to be what I am?
What  they  say I am?

What is it for?
All my life's work to be seen as a life wasted


Unsure and confused
About what it's all for.

It ******* ****** me off
When people say something
Mumble something
Whisper something
Speak OneLongWord,
And because of a hearing loss
I don’t quite hear,
And they respond with
“It doesn’t matter”.

It does ******* matter
I just didn’t hear
And need you to repeat it.
I need you to repeat the whole sentence
Not just the first part or the last part
The bit I’ve already heard.
Sometimes I’m just missing a key word that makes the whole sentence fall into place
But without it
Confusion
Misunderstanding
Wrong end of the stick.

Or they mumble under their breath
A hint of exasperation in their voice
Annoyed you’re interrupting their flow.
Don’t you think I’m frustrated and angry too?
Missing subtleties and nuances of what import say you

It’s Discriminatory
Disrespectful
And hearing-ist,
I can’t ******* help
That I’m deaf.

It leads to
Feelings of
Missing out
Losing out
Feeling dismissed
Discarded
Not important
Not valued
- The story of my life.....
Disassociated
Feeling on the periphery
Never quite fitting in
Never quite getting the joke
Laughing along
Pretending
But no ******* idea what’s going on.

When I ask you to repeat something
I mean just that
Patiently
Slowly  
Compassionately
With
Understanding,
And. in. individual. words. not. one

I.

This, a final offering,
before the clipping of wings.
A love like blood,
oh anathema.
A grey declined to black,
oh herem.

It means salvation
knelt with darkness.


II.

So it be!
So it be!
So it be!

Ring the bell,
close the book,
blow out the candle.

Douse the sacred sun
and find belief caught in fishermen's nets.


III.

In silence of angels,
climbing broken ladders,
no ascent, no longer.

Salvation has
knelt with darkness.