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#1
CMT Jan 2013
#1
Writing scares me,
But I always wanted to try.

Picking up a pen
and streaming fears and wishes
onto paper
always seemed like such a glorious pursuit
to me.

But me? I’m afraid that instead of a flowing river of words,
bubbling with secrets and sadness,
or a violent storm of expressions,
that pours dreams and desires,
I will dribble mere fragments of feelings on the page,
cough and splutter my words,
and choke on my idiocy and pretension,

And then pick up my pen
and then pressing down hard,
scratch thick black lines of ink
through my words,
through my fears and wishes,
and right through the page.
CMT Feb 2013
I forced pathetic and clumsy words from my mouth
because if I didn't try,
my stomach would have probably forced my lunch out of it instead.

My phone silently burns a hole through my lap,
as if it retains a record
of all the awkward silences and stupid things I said.

I think of how much my hands were shaking,
and how much I panicked
that you'd notice, even though you weren't there to see.

I'm not much good at making conversation,
I'm inarticulate,
and not remotely eloquent enough to make anyone love me.

But you, more than anyone, make me wish that I could
trade this copper-tongue
so that my mouth could shower you in silver sparks (instead of my lunch).
CMT Feb 2013
I'm just a story unread,
a dusty old book
left untouched on a shelf,
all yellowing,
with pages worn and frayed,
and frayed heartstrings to match.

You're just a boy,
who fervently flicks
through hundreds of stories,
without much thought
as to how the story ends
once you've tossed your copy aside.

If you wanted, I'd let you flip me open
at the chapter of your choice,
so you could pour over my pages,
devour the details,
and enter my story,
even just for a page or two.

I'm not asking you
to make the purchase, I know
this place is full
of stories better told,
with heroines more beautiful
and brave than I.

Just hold me momentarily,
reach out,
stroke my spine,
scan through my clumsy narrative,
let me hold your attention
for just a few minutes.

You can leave your smudgy fingerprints
on my blank, white spaces
and then you can shut my cover,
toss me aside,
back on the shelf and let the dust
gather on me once more.
CMT Aug 2014
I am damp spots,

I am difficulty breathing,

I am drinking alone in the middle of the day,

I am bent book spines,

wonky teeth,

just a little bit chubby with no *****.

I am mice nibbling at my toes,

fast food over home cooked meals,

envy over normaly,

and solace in art.

I am crying for nothing

and everything at all.

I am music none of my friends like

and I am fluccuating between comfort eating

and not eating at all.



I have grown up

I have changed.

I am ambition

and grown up relationships

and jobs.



I am nostalgic

and sad

and

I am drunk.
I am drunk. I was drunk when I write this and drunk when I posted it. It's not poetry. I don't think. Or is it?

Either way, it's about how, when I'm drunk and home alone and about to leave my hometown for my weird almost-grown-up life, I get strangely sad about leaving all the things I hated.
CMT Apr 2014
How did I ever find you
when you're so far away?
CMT Jun 2014
My double bed is bigger than normal tonight.
Cushiony expanses of miles, the stretching white,
Like the miles I’ll remember in tomorrow’s light.
CMT Feb 2013
Somebody said something about you today,

and I was momentarily mistaken

in thinking their words

were actually about me.


It made me think that perhaps you and I

are far more similar than we may appear to be.


Maybe, just maybe,

our lives reflect one another,

like sad, shiny mirror images,

pretending they are what they ought to be.


I soon remembered that I was never any good

at keeping a mirror, pocket or otherwise,

without accidentally smashing its surface,

the tiny silver shards eventually struggling free.



7 years bad luck multiplied  

by god knows how many times

honestly seems to explain a lot,

and I can't help but wonder

if you had the same problem as me.


None of this matters really,

because even in a mirror in which you can still see

identical images are incapable of touching one another

despite how similar they may be.
Another ten minute job.
CMT Dec 2013
I furiously scrub,
and sweep,
and spray,
as though I could wipe it out
from 90 miles away.
CMT Feb 2013
I lost something I never really hard,

I'm in mourning over something that was never alive,

I'm longing to return to a place I never visited,

I miss a person whom I never really knew.


*I hate you for the things you never really did to me.
CMT Jul 2013
He loves me
We stayed up talking until 6AM

He loves me not
You called me by her name again

He loves me
You made promises I thought you might keep

He loves me not
Your face interrupted another night's sleep

He loves me
You phoned and said you'd waited in the rain for me

He loves me not
Then told me I was cold and ignored me completely

He loves me*
Apparently even pretty flowers can be lying little *****.
Not very good, but I had the idea one day when picking daisies on a walk and despite not having enough skill to execute it well, I wasn't able to let the idea go. So here it is.
CMT Jan 2013
Letting people blow their grey ashy clouds all around me
so that the musty scent clings to me
the way I wish you would.

Finding my hands trembling once again for a pen or paintbrush
even though I thought colour never came naturally to me,
You smiled and made me believe it did.

Gazing upwards at watercolour sunsets and pin-pricked stars
while I hold my breath and wait for you
to appear under the same sky as me.

Rekindling my affair with old tunes and aged records,
exploring the worlds of melodies yet unheard,
because I want to find you in every song.

Feeling my ribs collapse one by one around my heart in silent shame,
remembering the blurred but honest words I slurred
and realising yours didn't feel quite the same.

Blindly falling into traps I refused to see,
burning red and ashamed that I let you own me so completely,
without you ever belonging to me.
CMT Jun 2013
How did such a destructive force
force my hands to create?
CMT Aug 2014
I wished you good morning
and you wished me good night.
Thousands of miles away,
But both sleepy eyed.

I like to think I send you kisses
with the sun when it goes,
And I swear I feel your lips
From the moon's silver glow.
Quick 1am draft I typed out on my phone when I felt lonely in my bed, where he should have been.
CMT Apr 2014
Morning and evening,
Pretty girl, I've watched you cry,
Subject to this Goblin world
That made you scared to try.

I hope you know that you're the sweetest fruit
Anyone could hope to buy,
And you've grown up on the strongest branch,
That lifts you close up to the sky.

My dearest little sister,
Please don't fear the dawning of each day.
I hope you know that I'll be there,
to hold your hand all the way.

For there is no friend like a sister,
And your friend I'll always stay.
For my little sister. Written very quickly, with nods to my favourite Christina Rossetti poem "Goblin Market"
CMT Jul 2013
"So, where do I fit in in your life?"

You want to know where you fit in?

You're every meal I didn't eat in the hope that those missing calories would make you miss me.

You're every coffee I buy from your favourite coffee shop and every point on my loyalty card that I'll never spend.

You're every walk back home that I craned my neck in the hopes of catching a glimpse of you only to be disappointed.

You're every time someone lit up a cigarette near by and I breathed it in because even though I hate the smell it's still your smell.

You're every awkward silence on the phone or in the street in which I tried my hardest to be funny or cool but never was.

You're every time I drunkenly cried in a bathroom and I didn't even know why.

You're every time I rolled my eyes at your name because I didn't know how else to react without letting them all know what they already knew.

You're every party we were both invited to that I would spend wondering whether or not you'd come or if you did, whether you'd chose to talk to me or not.

You're every time I knew I shouldn't think about you, or write about you, or kiss you, or even talk to you, but I did it anyway.

So there, that's where you fit in. In all the places and in all the ways that continue to fit into my days even though you yourself don't fit in them anymore.

"Uh, I don't know. What kind of a question is that anyway?"
X
CMT Aug 2013
X
I don’t know how I managed to stay so strong.

that desire for red, for torn flesh, that used to possess me in my early teens never won.

But oh god, it’s times like this that all my old thirsts come flooding back.

Right now all I want to see through my blurred vision is blood, and lots of it.

How I haven’t succumbed and drowned in crimson remains a mystery even to me.
Not really a poem, but I jotted this down on my personal blog just after I burst into tears over something and it kinda sounded better - to me at least - than anything I'd intended to be poetry.

— The End —